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cemetery

Most things work in the movies. See, that’s because movies are not real. The Juice could be wrong (hah), but it sure sounds like these bank robbers thought they were in a movie when they pulled off (briefly, any way) a bank robbery in Houston. As reported by khou.com:

The robbers were armed with semi-automatic handguns, according to the FBI.

Marquis Garr or said he saw them run out of the bank with a bag of money.

“It was really crazy because it was my first time seeing a bank robbery,” Garr or said. “When they came out, I just seen ‘em laughing.”

Yee hah! We did it! We did it! We …

The suspects ran into a nearby neighborhood, but police spotted them a few minutes later in a Buick.

The cops tried to pull them over, but they sped off.

Cue the movie move.

Officers cornered the suspects after they drove into the Forest Park Westheimer Cemetery.

You drove into a cemetery? Brilliant!

Cemetery worker Don Phlegm heard the commotion.

“I hear a lot of police sirens coming in, and you hear boom, boom, boom,” he said.

The “boom, boom, boom” Phlegm was the sound of the suspects taking out tombstones before they bailed out of the car. At least five grave markers were damaged.

“It looks like a disaster,” Phlegm said. “Maybe 5 or 6 tombstones, they’re all cracked up and broken, and it’s gonna create a lot of work for us.”

Desecrating graves too? Not cool. Here’s the source, including some scene photos and a video news story.

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laser beam

Someone hits your car on purpose. Of course, you get all the pertinent information. If you’re this guy, that would not be the license plate, type of car, etc. Per sfgate.com:

A woman intentionally rammed her car into a man’s car while arguing over a parking spot in the Haight, but the victim was so focused on her low-cut dress that all he could describe to officers afterward were her breasts, San Francisco police said Thursday.

The woman drove away after hitting the man’s car at Haight and Cole streets at 5 p.m. Tuesday, said Park Station Officer Al Wu. The man couldn’t tell officers what kind of car it was, let alone supply a license-plate number, but he “was able to give a detailed description of the suspect’s cleavage,” police said.

No one has been arrested.

And nobody every will be. Here’s the source.

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At least according to Merriam-Webster, a “fetish” is defined as “an object of irrational reverence or obsessive devotion,” or “an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification and that is an object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression.” Given this man’s behavior, think he has a toe fetish? Per The China Daily:

A woman in Dalian, Liaoning province, was attacked by a man who wanted to bite her toes.

The woman said the man, who looked about 25 years old and was well dressed, chased her as she was climbing the stairs of a residential building.

To the woman’s surprise, when the man caught her, he took off her right shoe and bit two of her toes. He fled after the woman kept hitting him with a plastic bottle.

Yikes. So many strange people in this world. Why toes? Sure, The Juice could google it, but he’ll leave that to you.

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Sure, it’s illegal. But can it possibly be that this is a judicious use of police manpower? Unlikely. As reported by The Morning Call (Lehigh Valley, PA):

A detective from the Monroe County district attorney’s office made arrangements to meet Brian K. Ryder Friday after reading his ad on Craigslist from a male seeking a female to “smoke with.” The ad read, “Any females into 420? It’s nice out. Let’s go smoke. Email if interested.”

Investigators made arrangements to meet Ryder at the Stroud Mall on Route 611, but Detective Joseph Coddington pulled him over in his pickup truck prior to arriving at the mall. Ryder was charged with possession with intent to delivery marijuana, possession of a small amount of marijuana and possession of drug paraphernalia. He also was cited for having an expired inspection on his truck.

Yes, that’s him. [The photo is from the Monroe County District Attorney's office.] Dude looks like he’s thinking “Really? You did all that for this?” Here’s the source.

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The Juice is feeling it just thinking about pounding 20 beers. But that’s exactly what a 26-year-old Kalamazoo, Michigan man did. Fortunately he did not succeed with what he set out to do after the binge. He did do some damage though, including a pretty disgusting grand finale. As reported by mlive.com:

Kalamazoo Department of Public Safety Assistant Chief Brian Uridge said the man told officers he was feeling depressed, went to the top of the Radisson [Plaza Hotel & Suites] ramp at 100 N. Rose St. and drank 20 beers to “get enough courage to commit suicide,” Uridge said.

The man, whose name has not been released, then proceeded to drive out of the ramp and struck eight vehicles, causing $75,000 worth of damage.

You’re probably wondering about the grand finale?

The man then got on top of a car and defecated on it, Uridge said.

Perhaps it was a symbolic act, with the car representing his life, or him, or … who knows. At least he didn’t kill himself.

Uridge said the man was arrested at about 3 p.m. on suspicion of drunken driving with a blood-alcohol level of 0.17 or higher, which under state law is called “super drunk.” Police did not release the man’s BAC Friday.

Here’s hoping he got some help. You’ll find the source here.

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A bender? Not uncommon. Driving while on a bender? Common, but thankfully not as common. Getting busted while driving on a bender? Less common. Getting busted TWICE IN THE SAME DAY while on a bender? Fortunately, extremely rare, but it does happen… As reported by The Beaver County Times (Pennsylvania):

Around 9 a.m. that … morning, [Yvette L.] Cavallo [29] was charged by Harmony Township police with driving under the influence of a controlled substance and possession of a controlled substance.

In that case, police said, Cavallo admitted to taking a combination of pills and then texting while driving. Cavallo hit a telephone pole in the 3700 block of Duss Avenue in Harmony, police said.

Texting too! And then …

Cavallo’s car was towed to Chris Automotive Repair and Towing Service in Conway, where police were called at 9:57 a.m. because Cavallo was in the towing yard and had climbed onto a flatbed truck in an attempt to take something out of    her car, Conway police said.

Conway police cited Cavallo with defiant trespass and public drunkenness. She pleaded guilty to both charges April 9.

So that’s 2 sets of charges in 2 jurisdictions, and it’s not even noon!

According to a police report, Chippewa police were called at 6:45 p.m. March 24 about a reckless driver on Darlington Road. Police found the vehicle near Get-Go on McMillen Avenue with a flat tire, the report said.

Cavallo, who was driving the vehicle, had glassy eyes and was responding to police “sluggishly as though she was having difficulty understanding,” the report said. There was also a smell of smoke and cologne coming from the car, the report said.

Cavallo was taken to Heritage Valley Beaver hospital, where she tested positive for marijuana in her system, police said. Cavallo also had a baggie of marijuana and pipe in her purse, police said.

[She] was charged by Chippewa Township police with driving under the influence of a controlled substance, possession of a small amount of marijuana and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Cavallo is still awaiting preliminary hearings on the charges filed by Harmony and Chippewa police.

Let’s hope she used the time she probably served to get herself together. Here’s the source.

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toilet sign bathroom

Nobody has to go to the bathroom this badly. To what length did this man go to try to get his wife to leave the bathroom? You won’t believe this one. Per The Northwest Florida Daily News.

According to the Fort Walton Beach arrest report, the couple was arguing inside of the bathroom of their residence on Windsor Lane on Dec. 8 when the husband [age 38] asked the woman to leave the room so he could urinate. He threatened to urinate on his wife if she did not leave.

Yeah, like you would ever …

She refused and the husband turned toward the wife and urinated on her, according to the report.

Ewwwwww. Yes, that’s why this is posted in The Juice’s “Gross” category.

The wife shoved the husband and told him to stop several times then began to hit the man on the shoulder causing him to stop.

Please, tell me this is a crime.

The man was charged with a misdemeanor domestic violence battery and his court date is Dec. 26.

Yes! Think he’ll agree to a plea, or choose to appear in court? Here’s the source.

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Sadly, lots of shoplifters use their kids during the perpetration of their crimes. But this lady, she’s in a whole ‘nother category. Per The Belleville News Democrat (Illinois):

Mykala M. Bator was charged by St. Clair County prosecutors Saturday with felony retail theft over $300, felony possession of a controlled substance and a misdemeanor charge of endangering a child. She is accused of shoplifting from Kohl’s around 4:55 p.m.

And if you’re wondering how she endangered the child …

According to the police report, a loss-prevention officer at Kohl’s confronted Bator outside the store on suspicion of shoplifting merchandise. She had a 1-year-old infant with her during the incident and when confronted, she ran to a waiting vehicle, tossed the child into the back seat of the car through an open window, and fled the scene as a passenger in the car.

Yes, the lady threw her one-year-old child through an open window. The kid could have suffered a brain injury. The Juice is angry.

Luckily … The child was not injured, according to Fairview Heights Police Lt. Steve Evans.

Whew. You’ll find a mug shot here.

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question mark question

If you blamed your mom for severing your pinky, would you sue her? A contractor in New Jersey did. As reported at NorthJersey.com:

In 2006, John P. Garrity was installing hardwood floors for his mother, Nancy, when the accident occurred, according to court papers. While working with a miter saw in her garage, Nancy came up behind John and tapped him on his right shoulder. In depositions, John Garrity said that when he quickly turned around, his finger slipped into the saw’s path and severed his pinky.

Yikes. The case went to trial. The verdict? $95,500 for Mr. Garrity, plus $18,500 for medical expenses. The actual award was double that, but the jury found that Mr. Garrity was 50% responsible.

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gun handgun small

True, it was a really, really small gun. But when you’re trying to board a plane, size doesn’t matter as this gent found out. As reported by wmbf.com:

Officers with the Transportation Security Administration found a loaded gun in a backpack at Myrtle Beach International Airport.

A 59-year-old Murrells Inlet man, David Joyner Kelly, was arrested and charged with carrying concealable weapons into certain restricted areas, a misdemeanor.

The gun was a 9mm, loaded with two bullets. It was found in the backpack of the passenger at the security checkpoint on Wednesday, Sept. 4.

Maybe it’s a misdemeanor because of the size of the gun? To see the gun, and the perp, click here.