Squeezed On: September 30, 2012

If A Man Could Suffer A Greater Humiliation, Name It!

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There's not enough money in the world ... Per The Courier & Mail:

French police say they have arrested a 63-year-old woman who was leading her 40-year-old companion along a busy shopping street by a leash attached to his exposed penis.
The couple were detained on Wednesday afternoon in the southwestern city of Carcassonne and were due to appear in court in April on charges of public indecency.
The couple admitted to being sex addicts and said they were in the middle of a game when arrested, police said on Thursday.
Only in France (until The Juice hears otherwise). And if you do hear otherwise, let The Juice know so he can create a new category (e.g. "Say What?", "Just Weird", "Odd Cases") ...

Squeezed On: September 29, 2012

That's My Story, And I'm Sticking With It!

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Forget about "I only had 2 drinks ..." or "I was looking for the Easter Bunny..." Wait, that's what this dude said he was doing. As reported by The Union Leader:

John Fowler, 50 ... claimed a man had come to his house with information about the location of the Easter Bunny, and Fowler said he attempted to follow him.
What, like you wouldn't do exactly the same thing?
When he lost the Easter Bunny informant, he tried to return home but crashed his car, Fowler reportedly told police.
Fowler did not sustain any injuries in the minor crash in the area of 105 Main St. around 1:30 a.m., but faces numerous charges, including driving while intoxicated, reckless driving, driving after suspension and misuse or failure to display plates. He was also arrested on two outstanding warrants from the court, police said.
Fowler was released on personal recognizance bail and is scheduled to appear in Candia District Court on Dec. 13 for arraignment.
Personal recognizance for a guy busted for drunk driving, on a suspended license, with two outstanding warrants? The Juice is not so trusting.

Squeezed On: September 28, 2012

Woman Pretended To Have Breast Cancer To Raise Money For ...

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This woman who pretended to have breast cancer to raise money for a certain elective surgery deserves some jail time. Think she got it? Read on, as reported by The Arizona Republic:

The Phoenix woman accused of pretending to have cancer to raise money for breast implants was sentenced to a year in jail and three years of probation Wednesday.
Jami Lynn Toler, 27, accepted a plea agreement in Maricopa County Superior Court in Phoenix. The agreement included paying restitution in addition to her sentence. The jail time began Wednesday.
Well done, your Honor. That sentence works for The Juice.
Toler pleaded guilty last month in Superior Court to theft, officials said. She told her former boss and her family that she needed a double mastectomy and that breast reconstruction was uninsured, according to court records.
Authorities said Toler raised more than $8,000.
What about the money?
Medical records had shown she did not have cancer and paid for the operation in cash.
So, so low. Here's the source.

Squeezed On: September 27, 2012

You're Really Kicking Him Off The Ballot Because Of Porn On His Website?

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Sadly, this story is not about a U.S. politician. This gent hails from Bosnia. As reported by Reuters:

"Seven days after my campaign began, the whole planet is talking about me," Mirad Hadziahmetovic told Reuters. "I think I have had a super campaign and proved to be the best market expert in Bosnia."
The self-proclaimed "innovator" had been running as an independent candidate for mayor of Zenica, the fourth-largest city in Bosnia with a predominantly Muslim population, in the October 7 ballot.
The innovative marketing?
The election commission removed him from the race last week over pornographic material accessible on his campaign web page.
Porn!
After each question visitors to his web page posed about local election issues, they were allowed to proceed to links with pornographic content, which had to be removed after the commission's decision.
Hadziahmetovic appealed against what he said was a "shameful decision" to Bosnia's state court this week and voiced confidence that it would be overturned.
Add "eternal optimist" to "market expert" and "innovator."
Unless he is re-instated as a candidate, he will file a suit to the Strasbourg-based European Court of Human Rights, he said.
In an open letter asking for support from Western ambassadors in Bosnia, Hadziahmetovic said he only wanted to turn Zenica into a Hollywood instead of a Tehran.
"I know boys and girls in my country want to make love freely, have fun and enjoy life. They all dream of Hollywood, not Tehran," he wrote, refering to Zenica's current mayor, who comes from a Bosnian Muslim party with post-war links to Iran.
You'll find the source here.

Squeezed On: September 26, 2012

No, You Don't Love Your Cat As Much As This Woman.

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No way you love your cat as much as this woman. Or maybe you just love your husband more than she does. As reported by www.khou.com (Houston, Texas):

Deputies said [Audrey Deen] Miller [42] and her husband were arguing at their home in the 6700 block of Seaton Valley Drive around 7:30 a.m. when he threatened to shoot her cat with a pellet gun.
Big, big mistake.
Miller, an animal lover with several cats and dogs, pulled out a .40-caliber semiautomatic handgun and shot her husband in the stomach.
Hmm. She brought a real gun to a pellet gun fight. Guess who won?
“The husband was trying to do something to the cat and the wife was just trying to protect her cat,” said Assistant Chief Mark Herman, Precinct 4.
"Just trying to protect her cat"? By possibly killing her husband?
Miller was arrested at the scene [and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon] and her husband was transported to Ben Taub Hospital in stable condition. He returned home from the hospital later Tuesday afternoon, clad in a hospital gown and without keys to get inside.
In case you're wondering about the cat (in addition to what life in that house is going to be like!):
The cat was not harmed.
Here's the source, including Ms. Miller's mug shot.

Squeezed On: September 25, 2012

So Much For The Carefree Golden Years ...


In Readington Township, New Jersey, a 59-year-old man actually went to his 88-year-old mom's senior center residence - apparently drunk - and got into it with her. So what did she do? She put the hurt on him! Per the Hunterdon County Democrat:

An incident between a mother and her son brought police to the Mirota Senior Residence on Van Horn Road on Friday. Police were called around 8:30 a.m.; they gave the following account of the incident.
An 88-year-old woman and her 59-year-old son got into an argument and then the mother assaulted the son, causing visible injuries to his face. The son appeared to be intoxicated and was being loud and disturbing other residents at the complex.
The son was arrested for harassment and disorderly conduct and was released after being detained for several hours.
The mother was also arrested and charged with simple assault. She was released after being served with a summons.
Both were offered various forms of assistance provided by the county, but they both declined.
Who needs assistance? Everything is totally under control ...

Squeezed On: September 24, 2012

A Strange Day For This Utah Man

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The Juice has had his share of strange days, but nothing even close - fortunately - to this Utah man's very strange day. As reported by The Deseret News (Utah):

Cottonwood Heights Police responded around 6:30 a.m. Saturday to reports of a man with a gun at a hotel, which police later determined were unfounded.
During the investigation, 38-year-old Wesley Glenn Velasco began acting strangely and was asked to leave the hotel. Police found drug paraphernalia in Velasco's room.
Saturday afternoon, Velasco was treated for drug use at the Salt Lake International Airport, and left with paramedics to be transported to the hospital. En route, Velasco assaulted two paramedics and jumped out the back of the ambulance near 2700 South and Bangerter Highway in West Valley City.
Not cool.
Just after 1 p.m. West Valley Police officers made contact with Velasco near the Stonebridge Golf Course, who was nervous and acting strange. According to West Valley Police, Velasco told officers he had used drugs earlier, and after he tried to fight them, an officer deployed a stun gun to no effect. Velasco then ran to the police cruiser, which he used to flee the scene.
It's never a good sign when the stun gun has no effect.
Police chased Velasco to 4100 South and Redwood Road, where they called off the chase due to his reckless driving and alerted nearby agencies.
Good call.
Using tracking technology, a Cottonwood Heights police officer saw the vehicle behind a strip mall on 3100 East and Big Cottonwood Canyon Road around 2:10 p.m. and Velasco fleeing on foot.
From there, the officer pursued him on foot around a retention pond, over a wall, and to a UDOT parking lot at the mouth of Big Cottonwood Canyon, where he surrendered to Cottonwood Heights Police.
After all that, you just surrendered? Well, sort of.
Cottonwood Heights Police Department Sgt. Mark Askerlund said that Velasco complained of some pain after his arrest, but they were unable to determine the cause.
While being transported in a patrol vehicle to the Salt Lake County Jail, Velasco again attempted to escape, this time by trying to kick through the vehicle's back window.
What a day.
Police said drugs were involved in the man's behavior. He was booked for investigation of aggravated robbery, fleeing, assault on a health care provider, assault on a police officer, damage to a jail and criminal mischief.
Here's the source.

Squeezed On: September 23, 2012

Not The Best Landlords

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Certainly it's natural to want to maximize one's real estate investment. But we are still, for the most part, a nation of laws. San Francisco landlords Kip and Nicole Macy apparently didn't care much about the law. They were trying to clear out a 6-unit building they bought in San Francisco. As reported in The San Francisco Chronicle:

When one of the tenants, Scott Morrow, successfully fought eviction, the couple allegedly told workers in September 2006 to cut the beams that supported his apartment's floor. They also shut off Morrow's electricity, cut his phone line and had workers saw a hole in his living room floor from below, prosecutors said. Morrow has since sued the Macys.
That's not all. Two other tenants paid reduced rents because they thought the Macys were charging them more than they were legally allowed to under the city's rent control laws. I think it goes without saying that the Macys did not take kindly to this.
Prosecutors said the Macys broke into the tenants' apartment last June and stole $2,000 in cash, a Gucci watch and a cell phone. The tenants, Erik Hernandez and Jason Lopez, later filed a lawsuit accusing the Macys of first changing the locks on the apartment, then illegally entering their unit and dismantling some of their furniture.
When Hernandez came home and confronted Kip Macy as the landlord was ransacking his apartment, Macy kicked him in the chest, the suit says. Threatening notes then started appearing at the tenants' door, and the water was shut off after the Macys stopped paying the bill, the suit says.
In October, Nicole Macy broke into the apartment and poured ammonia on clothes, bedding and home electronics, prosecutors said.
What became of the Macys? They were "arrested ... and charged with felony stalking, felony residential burglary, conspiracy and other counts ... They posted bail after their arrest." To read more, click here.

Update! It looks like they fled the country! Read all about it here.

Squeezed On: September 22, 2012

Wait, You Mean This Isn't Burger King?

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He's The King! Stop hassling him! As reported by The Rome News-Tribune (Rome, Georgia):

Rome Police were called to the [McDonald's] restaurant at 2215 Shorter Ave. at approximately 1 p.m. by a manager in reference to a suspicious person.
When they arrived, the manager said that a man dressed as the mascot for Burger King entered the restaurant with bags of hamburgers and began handing them out to several customers.
But The King wasn't quite done.
He danced while inside the restaurant and stopped to take pictures with children. The report states that one child took a picture with him and ran away as he appeared to be scared.
When the manager approached the man he said he was collecting for children’s charities. She noted that he had not collected any money during his time inside the restaurant.
Peasant! Don't bother The King with petty details.
The subject then got into a white Acura. The manager saw him take off his mask and he appeared to be a middle age white male with dark hair.
Here's the source.

Squeezed On: September 21, 2012

A Really Petty Crime, Except For That Gun Thing

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You did not just pull a gun on the clerk for that amount of money. As reported by The Chicago Tribune:

A Cook County judge set bail at $50,000 today for a man charged with displaying a handgun to a convenience store clerk who refused to give him 99 cents.
According to court records, Christopher Tisley, 34, walked into a convenience store in the 2800 block of West Lawrence Avenue in the Ravenswood neighborhood around 3 a.m. Saturday and demanded the money. When the clerk refused, he displayed a gun.
Tisley, of the 5800 block of South Morgan Street, exited the store after a customer walked in, allowing the clerk to lock the door. Tisley then returned and repeatedly pounded on the windows of the store, court records state.
He returned to the store! But not for long ...
Police were notified and arrested Tisley a block away. The gun Tisley allegedly displayed was not recovered, but prosecutors say police found 3 grams of methamphetamine in his possession.
Tisley is charged with aggravated assault and possession of a controlled substance.
Here's the source.

Squeezed On: September 20, 2012

So A Guy Walks Into The Police Station ...

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It's not that unusual for someone to walk into a police station seeking information. The question that this gentleman asked, though, was quite unusual. As reported by The Beacon-News (Aurora, Illinois):

An Aurora man who has been convicted of at least 14 crimes and traffic violations over the past 11 years was being held Tuesday in the DuPage County Jail after going to the Lisle police station to ask whether there were any warrants out for his arrest.
Dustin A. Nelson, 28, of the 400 block of South Fourth Street, was being held on $24,000 bail, Lisle Police Watch Cmdr. Ron Wilke said.
What what what? [Turn volume on - Funnier for South Park.]
Nelson went to the police station on Monday “to inquire if there were any active arrest warrants for him,” Wilke said Tuesday in a release. He was told two warrants had been issued stemming from an incident the night of Sept. 3 in the 4400 block of Blackhawk Lane in Lisle, Wilke said.
The warrants were for assault, failure to report striking an unattended vehicle, improper backing and disorderly conduct.
He's not exactly a hardened criminal, though he has developed a body of work...
DuPage County court records show that since 2001, Nelson has been convicted of at least 14 crimes and traffic offenses. He served jail sentences in October 2002, March 2005 and May 2006, after being found guilty of shoplifting in Naperville, Elmhurst and Villa Park, respectively, court records indicate.
Here's the source.

Squeezed On: September 19, 2012

You Can't Bust A Guy For The Tooth Bit, But ...

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Your home is your castle, right? And your garage too? Not always, as this Florida man found out. As reported by tcpalm.com:

Port St. Lucie police on Sunday went to Francisco Rojas' home after his wife told 911 dispatchers her 49-year-old husband was "drunk and in the garage trying to pull his tooth out with a pair of pliers, and she needs the police to respond."
Yeow!
Three officers made contact with Rojas. "We observed him attempting to extract his tooth and there was vomit on the floor from his attempts," an affidavit states.
Rojas' wife lifted the garage door at an officer's request to dispel the barf smell.
Asked what was troubling him, Rojas started cursing and was asked to calm down. "This is my [fucking] house, I can say and do whatever the [fuck] I want," an affidavit states. "I'm [fucking] drunk and you can't do nothing about it." [expletives reinserted]
Another officer asked Rojas to calm down, but he's accused of more yelling and cursing that "affected the public decency as well as the peace and quiet of the children playing in the neighborhood."
Rojas, of the 1000 block of Southwest Firestone Avenue in Port St. Lucie, was arrested on a breach of peace charge.
Breach of peace? Wasn't the guy quietly trying to pull out his tooth (and puking) before the police came and stirred things up? Ay ay ay. Here's the source, including the charging papers.

Squeezed On: September 18, 2012

So, You're Saying I Shouldn't Let My 2-Year-Old Sit In My Lap And Drive?

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Cars are not toys. Facebook is not a toy. These parents, hopefully, have learned these lessons. As reported by khou.com:

The parents allowed their two-year-old boy to steer their moving car while sitting in his dad’s lap. They posted the video on Facebook, which caused someone to turn them in.
No legal action was taken, but experts say the parents violated child restraint laws and other traffic laws.
The video showed the boy with both his hands on the wheel. His dad’s left hand was also on the wheel, helping to guide the car.
The boy’s father, who is in the army, fears he could get kicked out of the military because of his actions. Both parents said they were sorry for what they otherwise thought would just be a cute idea.
Kicked out of the army? The Juice hopes not. A parenting class, though, is definitely in order. Here's the source, including a video news story about the incident.

Squeezed On: September 17, 2012

You Broke Into A Store That Gives Everything Away For Free?

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Why would anyone break into a store that gives everything away for free? From the CBC ...

The Free Store, located near 84th Street and 118th Avenue, opened earlier this year. People pay a $2 fee to drop off unwanted items, and store customers can take whatever they want for free.
Co-owner Brandon Tyson came into the store on Thursday night and found two men inside. They'd kicked out the front window, leaving a lot of glass to clean up.
"For the most part, being a free store, we wouldn't expect someone to come and rob us because they can come back and get it all free the next day," Tyson said. "But I guess apparently some people do."
"For the most part"? No, for the WHOLE PART!
Tyson chased the two would-be thieves out of the store, caught one of them and called the police. He said the men were drunk.
Alcohol was involved? Shocking! Here's the source.

Squeezed On: September 16, 2012

Robbery, With A Happy Finish?

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For those of you not familiar with a "happy finish," have you not heard of Google? But back to today's story, which takes us to an Australian Subway. As reported in the Northern Territory News:

A female robber surprised staff at a fast food restaurant with a strip, before fleeing with more than $500 in cash.
Before some of you get too excited, the term "strip" is used a little liberally.
Staff at the Subway restaurant in the Darwin suburb of Berrimah discovered a whole new meaning for "one with the lot" during the brazen daylight robbery at the weekend.
Police said a woman - believed to be between 25 and 30 years of age with dark hair - walked into the Subway on Sunday at 11.15am, demanding money and "waving a knife".
Police said the woman then removed her top, exposing a black bikini top, before running to a waiting getaway car.
Now that's an exit.

Squeezed On: September 15, 2012

Police Immediately Became Suspicious When They Saw A Line At A Subway ...

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Clearly The Juice is not a big Subway fan. And while it may be true that there are now more Subway "restaurants" than McDonalad's "restaurants" worldwide, it's also true that Subway has an incredibly low franchise fee.

Anyway, back to the Subway in question. It's in Florida. And if you asked for "extra meat," you really didn't want extra meat... As reported by tcpalm.com:

Undercover investigators for the St. Lucie County Sheriff's Office said a sandwich artist [ha!] was doubling as a drug dealer at the fast-food restaurant in the 1900 block of U.S. 1, Fort Pierce. The investigators said Elizabeth Hunt, 47, would slip a bag of marijuana to customers who asked for extra meat with their subs. They said Hunt gave them two grams of marijuana on two occasions last month when they used the code. The investigators dropped $10 into the tip jar for each purchase, according to her affidavit.
Hunt, of the 600 block of Grand Club Place, Fort Pierce, was being held Thursday in lieu of $55,000 bail on two charges of sale and delivery of marijuana within 1,000 feet of a convenience store, possession of marijuana with intent to sell within 1,000 feet of a convenience store and possession of drug paraphernalia.
And once again, many people have found that there is no good reason to go to Subway ... Here's the source, including a mug shot.

Squeezed On: September 14, 2012

"I'm Not The Best Criminal"

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That may be an understatement. Sure, if you're in jail, maybe it's not a big deal to steal from another inmate. But what about stealing a computer from the jail? Yup. Per the Kalamazoo Gazette:

Kalamazoo County Circuit Judge Gary Giguere Jr. sentenced [Western Michigan University student William K.] Bradley on Monday, telling the Kalamazoo resident his jailhouse theft was "the dumbest crime I've heard today" and "may be in the top half-dozen in my career."
Bradley, who has racked up six felonies and four misdemeanors by the age of 25, agreed with the judge, saying, "I'm not the best criminal."
This had to hurt ...
Bradley asked for home arrest, but Giguere instead ordered him back to jail for six months.
Not a good sophomore year for Mr. Bradley.

Squeezed On: September 13, 2012

VERY Unhappy Wendy's Drive-Thru Customers

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It was not a good night for employees at a Kalamazoo, Michigan Wendy's. Why? A drive-thru order turned into a melee - outside of, and inside, the restaurant. As reported by The Kalamazoo Gazette:

Kalamazoo Department of Public Safety officers said they were called to the restaurant at 2814 Portage St. at about 12:17 a.m. Saturday to quell a large fight.
Upon arrival, officers encountered a loud disturbance between unsatisfied customers and frustrated employees inside the business, according to a police news release.
Remember, these were drive-thru customers.
During their investigation, officers were told the incident started outside when four customers in a vehicle, voiced their displeasure with an employee at the drive-up window.
According to the news release, customers said there was a discrepancy between the food that was ordered and that what they received. Wendy’s workers said it was simply a communication breakdown that could have been easily fixed.
But it wasn't ...
... officers said they were told that as tempers flared, fountain beverages, hamburgers and fries were all hurled through the drive-up window and the food struck an employee inside.
Well, the customer's always right, right?
The employee allegedly then threw food items back out at the vehicle, striking it with carbonated soda, ketchup and fries.
Oh no you di'int.
Officers said two of the vehicle occupants went into the restaurant and began fighting with employees . Punches and chairs were thrown.
Wo. And?
Two of the customers, Kalamazoo residents, were arrested on charges of assault and excessive noise. The employee received minor scrapes and abrasions during the melee.
Shazam!

Squeezed On: September 12, 2012

So You're Saying This Started Over Grass Clippings?

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Yes, a real fight, with weapons, began with some grass clippings. As reported by The Review (East Liverpool, Ohio):

Two men were charged with felonious assault Sunday after they got into an argument over grass clippings that evolved into a fight with a machete and a club.
Whoa there, fellas.
City police charged Raymond C. Link, 63, Anderson Boulevard, and Collin Neal, 82, South Park Circle after officers were called to Anderson Boulevard Sunday afternoon for a report of a machete attack.
There, they were advised by Link that he had had trouble with his neighbor, Neal, over grass clippings blowing into Link's property.
So your neighbor is responsible for the wind?
Link said when he confronted Neal, he was assaulted with a wooden club, with Neal hitting him in the head.
Doink!
Link then armed himself with a machete and injured Neal's left hand, according to reports.
Neal then got his AK-47 ... (kidding)
Neal told officers he was trying to remove the clippings when Link struck him with the machete, so he went and got the club, but he denied striking his neighbor.
Think this is over? Unlikely. Here's the source.

Squeezed On: September 11, 2012

Is That A Loris In Your Pants, Or ...

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Sure, the "is that a ... in your pants" is not a not totally uncommon theme. Still, a loris? As reported by the BBC:

Two of the men were found with slender lorises concealed in pouches in their briefs, a customs official at Indira Gandhi International Airport told the BBC.
Yes, they had lorises in their underwear! How were these clever gents caught?
The animals were uncovered when security guards noticed a bulge in their underwear during a frisk.
You can read more (a fair amount) here.

Squeezed On: September 10, 2012

Not Your Average Case Of Husband Abuse

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No, she didn't hit him with a frying pan. She didn't throw something at him. You can keep guessing, but you won't get it. As reported by The Northwest Florida Daily News:

On Aug. 30 two Okaloosa County Sheriff's deputies were called to a Country Breeze Lane residence about a disturbance. Once there they interviewed a husband and wife, the apparent source of the disturbance.
The man said he'd been involved in an argument with his wife over a text message. He came about 8:30 that night and the argument continued, with his wife following him around the house, yelling in his face.
While in the bedroom, she allegedly jumped on his back and put her arm around his neck. He removed her arm, but then she grabbed him from behind and placed her fingers in his mouth, pulling his mouth apart, the arrest report indicated. This was said to have caused a small cut in his mouth.
She jammed her fingers in his mouth and pried it open! Yikes. So what did she say happened?
The woman told deputies she had found out her husband was cheating on her and she'd told him not to come home. As they argued, somehow her fingers "ended up in his mouth," the deputy wrote.
Yeah, that happens to The Juice all the time. Next thing you know, your fingers just end up in someone's mouth!
The woman was charged with misdemeanor battery.
Here's the source.

Squeezed On: September 9, 2012

Maybe The Dumbest Police Chase Ever

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You hear "police chase," you think of police cars chasing a car, usually a drunk driver. Not this time. Sure, the police were in cars, but not the "perp." He was on foot, and naked! And the cops bothered to chase him way too long, as reported by wpxi.com:

Police in Beaver County said a naked man led them on a three-mile foot chase through several communities.
Three miles!
Investigators said the man was first spotted near a busy intersection with a lot of traffic on April 20.
A groundskeeper for a nearby cemetery said he was shocked when he saw the man without any clothes on roaming the streets.
"We were working and I saw out of the corner of my eye this flash go by. I looked and I saw his naked butt go by. I didn't need to see anymore," said Mike Zorich.
Zorich said the man ran past him and kept running through Beaver Falls Cemetery. "He went by in a flash and that was the end of it," Zorich said.
Well, maybe that should have been the end of it. But no way would the fuzz let this naked guy get away with it!
Police estimate he made it through three townships and ran about three miles completely nude through several wooded areas before they were able to catch up with him.
Investigators said they eventually were able to catch him while he was wading through a creek. Police said they have no idea why he was in the water.
The charges?
Carlos Noel Pena, 24, was charged with open lewdness.
Really? Open lewdness? Truly an excellent use of police resources. Here's the source.

Squeezed On: September 8, 2012

You Do Know That 911 Is Not A Confession Hotline, Right?

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You call 911 when you are in trouble, not when you're going to cause trouble. Who doesn't know that? Well, there is this one guy ... As reported by Lancasteronline.com:

At 11:45 a.m., [52-year-old Dennis] Auker called 911 and said he was going to beat up his neighbor and put him in the hospital, [Ephrata police Lt. Tom] Shumaker said. (The two neighbors had a verbal dispute earlier Thursday morning, Shumaker said. He did not know what it was about, but said they have had ongoing issues with each other.)
Auker told the dispatcher he would call 911 back when he was finished with the assault.
That call? Not such a good idea.
Police responded to the 100 block of East Walnut Street to ensure the neighbor's safety when he returned home.
When he did, police arrested Auker. He was charged before District Judge Tony Russell and was committed to Lancaster County Prison after failing to post $5,000 bail.
Here's the source.

Squeezed On: September 7, 2012

This Judge Was LUCKY To Get A Reprimand

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It probably went something like this: "Don't worry, honey. I'll call my friend the Judge. You'll be out in no time." Or not, though the call was made to the Honorable James (“Jim”) Patrick Sharp, Jr., Justice on the First Court of Appeals in Houston, Harris County, Texas. Here's what happened, from the State Commission on Judicial Conduct's Findings of Fact:

On January 17, 2012, at approximately 8:00 p.m., Justice Sharp received a telephone call from a family friend informing him that her 15-year-old daughter had been arrested for shoplifting at a department store in Brazoria County.
The friend informed Justice Sharp that her daughter had been taken to the Brazoria County Juvenile Detention Center (hereinafter “Juvenile Detention”). She further informed Justice Sharp that Juvenile Detention staff had advised her that pursuant to standard policy, her daughter would not be released until the following morning.
The friend asked Justice Sharp for assistance in securing her daughter’s early release from Juvenile Detention so that she would not be required to spend the night at the facility.
So what did the Judge do? Plenty.
During all of the calls, Justice Sharp identified himself as a Justice of the First Court of Appeals; he stated that he was calling on behalf of his friend’s daughter (hereinafter the “juvenile”); and he sought information on how to secure the juvenile’s early release from Juvenile Detention.
During all of the calls, Justice Sharp was advised that Brazoria County had a policy that required the juvenile to remain in Juvenile Detention until the following morning, at which time a judge would magistrate her and/or review her case.
Policy? Fuhgeddaboutit!
Not satisfied with the response he had been given, Justice Sharp repeatedly and persistently asked Juvenile Detention staff what could be done to secure the juvenile’s early release, and offered to drive to the facility to magistrate and/or “sign orders to release” the juvenile that night.
First up?
During his conversation with the Assistant Director, Justice Sharp referred to the possibility of Brazoria County being sued for failing to release the juvenile that night, stating: “[Y]our county is going to be sued for hundreds of thousands of dollars for this. You’ll have picked the wrong little girl that has friends in high places to mess with.”
Justice Sharp also stated to the Assistant Director, “Well, I can tell you this, things are about to change in Brazoria County. You guys are a bunch of back woods hillbillies that use screwed up methods in dealing with children and I can promise you this, things are about to change in Brazoria County.”
Charming. Moving right along ...
At approximately 10:00 p.m. that night, Justice Sharp telephoned a local District Judge and left a voicemail message advising the judge that a friend’s daughter was being detained in Juvenile Detention, and that he hoped the judge would “make a call” to release her.
Justice Sharp also sent a text message to the District Judge asking if he would call Juvenile Detention to help “get [the juvenile] released tonight.”
Next up?
At approximately 10:30 p.m. that night, Justice Sharp telephoned a Brazoria County Commissioner and left a voicemail message identifying himself as “Justice Jim Sharp in Houston,” and advising the Commissioner that his friend’s daughter had been arrested for shoplifting and was being held in Juvenile Detention.
In his voicemail message, Justice Sharp asked the Commissioner, “What can we do to get that girl out tonight?” Justice Sharp further expressed his opinion there was “no sense” in having the juvenile spend the night in jail, and that, “I need your help. You will probably know who to call to make the keys go open.”
At approximately 11:47 p.m. that night, Justice Sharp sent a text message to the Commissioner, stating as follows: “If I were Brazoria Co. commissioner, I’d be on [the] look out for some serious lawsuits arising from your juvie [sic] facilities. . . You don’t release 15 yrs olds accused of simple shoplifting (bra and jeans) to their parents on the request of an Appeals Ct Justice? Serious problems there, Dude. Call me pronto, please. Justice Jim Sharp.”
Props for being such a good friend?
In voicemail and text messages to the District Judge and the County Commissioner, Justice Sharp made the following statements concerning a Juvenile Detention officer, who Justice Sharp accused of being “rude” to him:
a. The officer was the “most arrogant little prick [he] had ever talked to in [his] life,” and that if he had met with the officer “in person,” the officer would have known that he “had visited.”
b. If he had spoken to the officer “in person,” and if Justice Sharp had been in possession of a “baseball bat . . . that son of a bitch would have been cracked upside the head. Fucking little cocksucker.”
c. “Brazoria County Juvie Folks are [not] just arrogant but ignorant. When an Appeals Court Justice calls and identifies himself and then they refer to me as ‘Mr.’ Sharp, it bespeaks a fundamental misunderstanding of respect and pecking order!”
d. “[S]ome county paycheck functionary . . . call[ing] me ‘rude’ also is totally unacceptable and that stupid asshole need find [a] new job that never has him communicating with appellate court justices. Had I been there personally, it would have been damn ugly for him.”
Yikes.
During this same night, Justice Sharp unsuccessfully attempted to contact a former State Representative, a senior district court judge, and a local criminal defense attorney, all in an effort to secure the juvenile’s early release from Juvenile Detention.
Shazam! Like The Juice said, the Judge was fortunate to only receive a public reprimand. You'll find the full document here.

Squeezed On: September 6, 2012

Epic Shampoo Battle

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Remember The Juice's post 2 days ago about the epic thermostat battle between 2 sisters? Well, this post involves 2 brothers who got into it over a bottle of shampoo! As reported by The Sheboygan Press:

Two brothers were charged Monday with disorderly conduct for fighting over a bottle of shampoo, according to a criminal complaint.
Jonathan R. Pippert, 32, and Jared J. Pippert, 27, came to blows Sunday at their home at 2728 S. 10th St., where both live with their mother. Jonathan Pippert faces up to two years behind bars due to prior offenses, while his brother face a maximum of 90 days.
2 years! Shazam!
According to a criminal complaint: Police called for a reported disturbance found Jonathan Pippert was on the lawn swearing at his mother. He and his brother both had scrapes and bruises throughout their upper bodies.
Both brothers said the fight began when Jonathan Pippert went into his brother’s bedroom and took a bottle of shampoo while Jared Pippert was in bed. Each claimed the other attacked him, forcing him to defend himself.
The Juice's call: offsetting fouls. Dismissed!

Squeezed On: September 5, 2012

In The Pokey For Slapping A Horse?

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Yes, you can end up in jail for slapping a horse. As reported by wmbfnews.com (Wilmington, North Carolina):

Authorities in Wilmington say they were trying to break up a crowd after an assault Sunday outside of a night club when Seth Andrew Bishop apparently decided that slapping the horse of a mounted police officer was good idea.
Slapping any horse? Not cool. Slapping a police horse? Brilliant!
He's being charged with injury to law enforcement or assistance animal.
He posted bond, which was set at 500 dollars and is out of jail.
Anyone else think the community service will involve working in a barn with a shovel? Here's the source.

Squeezed On: September 4, 2012

What? I Can't Drive Stick! You Can't Drive Stick Either?

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This was not a well-planned crime. As reported by wate.com (Knoxville, Tennessee):

Police say the victim was stopped at a red light on Davida Lane at Merchants drive around 1:30 a.m. when the suspects walked to his car and asked for a cigarette.
So far, according to plan.
The victim says one of the suspects pulled out a handgun and ordered him out of the car. Both suspects tried to drive off, but the car stalled because they could not drive a stick shift.
Doh! Run!
The suspects both ran off, but officers were able to catch up with them on Clinton Highway.
Jamel Wilson, 18, and a 15-year-old accomplice were charged with aggravated robbery.
You'll find the source here.

Squeezed On: September 3, 2012

Maybe If This Juror Had Been Listening To The Judge, He Wouldn't Have Gone on Facebook And Tried To Friend ...

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Let's just ignore the fact that the judge explicitly instructed you otherwise. If you were a juror, would you try to friend one of the parties, in the middle of the trial? A young man in Texas did, as reported by The Fort Worth Star-Telegram.

[Jonathan] Hudson was a juror on a Tarrant County civil case last month when he tried to "friend" the defendant and discussed the case on his Facebook page, according to court records. The woman notified her lawyer who, in turn, told the presiding judge, Wade Birdwell.
Dude! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? And about the judge's instructions ...
Texas recently added specific language to jury instructions that bans jurors from discussing the case on social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter, which was in the instructions given to Hudson, officials said.
Doh! After attempting to weasel out of it ("saying he thought she was someone else"), Mr. Hudson pleaded guilty to contempt of court, and was sentenced to 2 days of community services.You can read more here.

Squeezed On: September 2, 2012

Tell Me You Did Not Call The Cops Because Of That

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Everyone, and I mean everyone, has had a haircut they have been unhappy with. But, unlike with virtually every other problem, this one actually does go away with time. A man in Norway couldn't wait. So, as reported at newsenglish.no:

A man in Drammen was so unhappy with his new haircut that he called police, demanding assistance because he didn’t want to leave the hair salon.
News bureau NTB reported that according to the Søndre Buskerud Police District’s logs, the man claimed that the hairdresser had done such a bad job that he couldn’t go outside without a cap. He apparently didn’t have one.
He also had complained about the result of his haircut to the salon’s proprietor, but was told it was too late to do anything about it.
If only the owner had told him he could take care of it ... and then shaved him bald!
The police receiving his call for help told him they had many duties in the course of a day, and responded to many calls, but his would not be one of them.
Here's the source.

Squeezed On: September 1, 2012

Don't Bring Pruning Clippers To A Hammer Stapler Fight

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This robber's weapon of choice - pruning clippers. It shouldn't come as a big surprise that the endeavor didn't go so well. As reported by The Bellingham Herald (Washington):

Police released photos of the robbery Thursday, Aug. 30. They show the masked man walking into Starvin' Sam's, 1101 Iowa St.
He brandished a pair of pruning clippers with 3-inch blades, said David Kassner, the clerk working the graveyard shift at 2:50 a.m. Aug. 20. The suspect, who wore a black ski mask with eyeholes, strode toward the cash register and demanded money.
He probably didn't know the clerk was a Vietnam vet.
"But I wouldn't do that," said Kassner, a retired U.S. Army staff sergeant who served in southeast Asia.
Instead the clerk backed up and grabbed a hammer-style stapler that happened to be sitting on a countertop. Employees at the service station use the stapler to tack up posters.
Oh it's on now.
The suspect grabbed the register and tried to take the whole thing with him. Kassner swung the stapler at the man's head. He missed his target but must have made contact, because the man "ran out real quick" clutching his wrist, Kassner said, and without any cash.
See ya.
The man was last seen running northbound on Moore Street, said Bellingham police spokesman Mark Young.
Police dogs tried to track him, but the trail quickly "evaporated" - meaning he may have hopped into a car or rode away on a bike, Young said.
Here's the source, with a surveillance photo of the perp.