Legal Juice

If you want to vote for Eddie Gonzalez for Congress, you can't. But you can vote for VoteForEddie.com. As reported in The Miami Herald:

Unknown independent Eddie Gonzalez probably knew he'd get little money, no attention and have almost no shot against popular Republican incumbent Rep. Mario Diaz Balart.

So Gonzalez did the logical thing. He legally changed his name to “VoteForEddie.com.”

Wait. You can do that?

Gonzalez.....er... VoteForEddie.com petitioned a Miami-Dade judge to have his new name on the ballot and, viola ...

Here's the source.

It's almost like someone said "cue the drunk driver." As reported by cbslocal.com (Sacramento):

Reporter Doug Brauner, known as “The Car Czar” and host of his own show on cars, was reporting live for Good Day Sacramento Thursday morning when the incident took place at the intersection of Bell Street and El Camino Avenue in Sacramento. Brauner, along with CHP officer Adrian Quintero, were giving viewers tips on crosswalk etiquette.

And ... action!

Brauner was standing on the corner and had a green light to cross the street. He was about to step into the crosswalk when the driver of a black truck failed to stop and peeled out as the truck made a right turn and sped off.

As Brauner said in shock “Really! Really?,” Officer Quintero turned on his patrol car lights and took off after the truck.

And?

Later, in another live television segment, Brauner reported that Officer Quintero had pulled the driver over. After conducting a field sobriety test, the driver was arrested for drunk driving.

Here's the source, with a video of the story.

If you send nude photos of yourself, to ANYONE, it really is on you if they end up being published. But Instagram? By a "friend"? It's still on the vic, but man is that cold. As reported by the Burlington County Times (Pennsylvania):

Police are investigating a case of privacy invasion during which nude photographs of a 22-year-old woman were posted online without her permission.

The unidentified victim told authorities that someone created a fake profile in her name with the photo-sharing application Instagram and uploaded the photos to the website, police said Friday.

The victim had taken the photos herself a few years ago and sent them to some of her friends, according to police.

Maybe one day kids will learn (and adults too), that anything you send can end up published for all the world to see. Here's the source.

Some folks just don't know when to give up. Some do, though, even when they're hammered. As reported by The Bee News (Western New York):

Police responded to an accident on Northwood Avenue, where a car had run over a metal sign. The suspect was located on a nearby street and admitted he had been drinking. After failing his third field sobriety test, the suspect said, "Let's just call it a day."

Uncle!

Throughout the years since our nation’s inception, the American courtroom has been the stage for some rather formidable legal battles. Marbury v. Madison, Brown v. Board of Education, and Bush v. Gore come to mind. Sometimes, however, it is highly unlikely that some of the biggest match-ups ever make it to the Law School curriculum. Such is the case of a recent Seventh Circuit decision (remember, these Judges are just below the Supreme Court) between two competing individuals: Pull My Finger® Fred and Fartman.

As described by Circuit Judge Wood, Fred “is a white, middle-aged, overweight man with black hair and a receding hairline, sitting in an armchair wearing a white tank top and blue pants.”

In contrast, Fartman “is a white, middle-aged, overweight man with black hair and a receding hairline, sitting in an armchair wearing a white tank top and blue pants.” Did I say “In contrast”? My mistake...

OK, OK, so neither Fred nor Fartman are actually individuals who appeared in the courtroom. Each are, however, plush dolls who “fart” when one squeezes their respective extended fingers. They also make crude jokes following their flatulence, such as “Did somebody step on a duck?” and “Silent but deadly.”

A copyright infringement case against the producers of Fartman, JCW Investments, Inc., d/b/a Tekky Toys v. Novelty, Inc. provides some rather humorous reading. As the Judges come to the surprising revelation that “there is a niche market for farting dolls, and it is quite lucrative,” they must embark upon rather philosophical debate about the difference between the “idea of” and the “expression of” the “comic archetype [of] ‘a typical man wearing jeans and a T-shirt in a chair doing the ‘pull my finger’ joke’”.

Alas, Fartman’s legacy comes to a disappointing end as the Court decides that he is, in fact, too close to being Fred’s twin to have not violated the copyright. Quite humorously, though, and in a possible foreshadow of the Judges’ own venture into that “niche market for farting dolls,” Judge Wood posits his own expression of that comic archetype:

Novelty could have created another plush doll of a middle-aged farting man that would seem nothing like Fred. He could, for example, have a blond mullet and wear flannel, have a nose that is drawn on rather than protruding substantially from the rest of the head, be standing rather than ensconced in an arm-chair, and be wearing shorts rather than blue pants.

Right on, Judge Wood, right on...

For a picture of Pull-My-Finger Fred, click here. To read the entire decision, click here.

Okay, so that's a slight exaggeration, since the sound barrier on land is about 761 mph (it varies with the atmospheric conditions). But perhaps The Juice is in a state of shock after reading that a nun in Italy was busted for going 110 mph! Really, and with 2 other nuns in the car. Why? Well, as reported at news.com.au, they were ...

... on their way to visit the Pope after a bathroom fall.

Demon driver Sister Tavoletta, 56, was at the wheel of the Ford Fiesta, while two other nuns aged 65 and 78, who have not been named, were with her when shocked police pulled them over.

When stunned officers asked them why they were speeding, Sister Tavoletta said: "We had heard how the Pope had fallen over and we were on our way to make sure he was OK."

The nuns were stopped on a dual carriageway at Quincinetto, near Turin - just an hour's drive from Pope Benedict XVI's summer holiday chalet at Les Combes.

They had heard that Pope Benedict XVI had slipped and fractured his wrist at the Salesian convent where they live and immediately got into a car to try to visit him.

A Turin police spokesman said: "The officers involved were amazed to see three nuns in the Ford Fiesta when it stopped - it had been clocked at 110 mph.

"Hopefully, Sister Tavoletta will be making sure she confesses her bad driving the next she goes to confession but in the meantime she will have to pay the 375 Euro (A$659) fine she was given."

Unlikely, since she is fighting the fine (and the one-month suspension she received), having retained "Italy's best known lawyer in driving cases, Anna Orecchioni."

She said: "I will be taking this matter before a judge to get the penalty removed and the nun's licence reinstated."

Here's the source.

When you think of petty crime, what do you think of? The Juice thinks of stealing something of little value. Here's a petty crime you probably wouldn't have thought of, out of New York, as reported by northcountrynow.com:

Jon L. Larue, 21, 5701 County Rt. 10, was charged with petit larceny by St. Lawrence County Sheriff’s deputies after they received a complaint from Perry’s Bottle Redemption Center in Oswegatchie.

They told deputies that they had given Larue cash for the seven rolls he brought in, but what he said were dimes were actually pennies.

Query: How do pennies fit in a dime roll? Answer: Not easily.

After charging him with the misdemeanor count, deputies released Larue on an appearance ticket calling for him to be in Oswegatchie Town Court on June 13.

You'll find the source here.

In a 6-week span, this New Jersey man was charged with driving while intoxicated FOUR times! Each time, he was charged and released. As reported by The News of Cumberland County (at nj.com):

[Anderson] Sotomayor [age 45] began his alleged traffic crime spree on April 2, when Ulrich said he collided with a school bus. Though not charged with DWI for that accident, he was charged with improper passing, leaving the scene of an accident and failure to report an accident.

And then ...

A week later on April 9, Officer Phillip Martinez charged him with DWI on the 300 block of Axtell Avenue after he collided with a police vehicle.

And then ...

Two days later on April 11, Officer Luis Rodriguez charged him with DWI after responding to an accident during which Sotomayor had struck a utility pole by the intersection of Main Street and Landis Avenue.

Two days! And then ...

Two weeks later on April 25, Officer Adam Shaw charged him with DWI and several other offenses after stopping him by the intersection of Delsea Drive and Park Avenue. He said Sotomayor was swerving and had a cold, opened 40-ounce bottle of Budweiser on the floor behind the passenger seat. Sotomayor asked Shaw to either give him a ride home or follow him home as he drove, an offer which Shaw declined.

Seems like a question only a drunk guy would ask a cop. And then ...

Just over two weeks later on Saturday, May 12, officer Adam Shaw again pulled over Sotomayor on the 200 block of Grape Street. Sotomayor refused to take a breathalyzer test and was again charged with DWI. He was released on a summons pending his case in municipal court.

And finally (hopefully) ...

... Sotomayor ... received his fourth DWI charge on Saturday and was again released without bail, said Captain Thomas Ulrich of the Vineland police department.

And before you go getting mad at the police, they're not pleased either.

“Bail is a matter for the Court System. The Police Department or its officers do not set bail. In this case, bail was not approved,” responded Ulrich.

Here's the source, including a mug shot.

You seriously threatened a judge on the phone, and on Facebook? Brilliant! As reported by Courthouse News Service:

Ezra Osman [age 28] is the ex-husband of Iris Guillen, who works as clerk for 312th Family Court Judge David Farr, according to Harris County court records.

After Osman called the court repeatedly on May 9, Guillen told Judge Farr that Osman was harassing her, records state.

"The judge picked up the extension and told the defendant that if he continued to tie up the phone lines he would be in trouble," according to the charging document signed by an assistant district attorney. "The defendant then told the (judge), 'Fuck you, mother fucker. I'm gonna' come down there and fuck you up.'"

Pure genius, only to be followed by this ...

Guillen later showed a Harris County sheriff's deputy that Osman had made a threatening post on his Facebook page. It said: "Got my ninjas ... so heads are going to roll started with that punk ass judge," according to the assault charge.

Very effective use of social media.

Osman is currently jailed on a $20,000 bond.

Here's the source, including a link to the charging document.

As a regular bicycle commuter, it pains The Juice to have to say this, but it's not looking too good for this fellow cyclist. As reported by The Union Leader:

Police [in Somersworth, New Hampshire] arrested a Maine man riding a bicycle Friday in connection with a bank robbery across state lines.

Noooooo!

Scott Marshall, 46, of 132 Airport Road in Sanford, Maine, was charged with being a fugitive from justice after police noticed he matched the description of a man who robbed Kennebunk Savings Bank in Berwick, Maine.

And I suppose you have some evidence?

Officer Gary O'Brien, who responded to the reported robbery around 9:21 a.m., apprehended Marshall, who was riding the mountain bike on Market Street. Police found an undisclosed amount of cash and a bank bag, which led to the arrest, according to a release.

Doh! Here's the source.

If you don't recognize the title of the post, go watch "Animal House." Now. Since you've seen the movie, or at least the clip, The Juice can tell you that Dorfman has nothing on these two. As reported by the Volusia County (Florida) Sheriff's Office:

Volusia County Sheriffs investigators have put the brakes on a two-man vandalism spree believed to be responsible for damage to nearly two dozen vehicles in the DeLand area over the past month. The two people arrested this week by investigators -- 20-year-old Keith Dekoeyer and 21-year-old Christopher Jackson -- said they were drunk during their escapades, acted out of boredom and for the most part hit vehicles at random.

And things were going just fine (for them, anyway), until they got really stupid.

But mad at his boss over some workplace issues, Jackson told Dekoeyer one night to drive to his boss’ apartment complex on Ayesbury Circle. Once there, Jackson got out and slashed all four tires on his boss’ truck and then the two fled the area. The very next night, they drove by the apartment complex again and saw that the victim had replaced his tires. Jackson thought it would be funny to slash the new tires, so he did. But after Jackson started bragging to co-workers, word got back to the victim, who contacted the Sheriff’s Office.

Shades of the wet bandits.

On Wednesday, Investigator Amy Smith confronted Dekoeyer with the evidence -- including the fact that a Jeep Wrangler had been spotted fleeing from a couple of the crime scenes -- and he confessed to his role. At the same time, Sheriff’s investigators who had Jackson under surveillance spotted him driving down the road and pulled him over as he drove into the Winn-Dixie in DeLand to report to work. Jackson was arrested Wednesday for driving on a suspended license. During questioning, Jackson initially denied being involved with the vandalisms, but later confessed to Investigator Smith. He was arrested Wednesday for driving with a suspended license and taken to the Volusia County Branch Jail in Daytona Beach. After bonding out, Jackson was re-arrested on Thursday and taken back to jail on a felony charge of criminal mischief connected to the first incident on April 23 involving his boss. Dekoeyer also was arrested on Thursday and charged with being a principle to criminal mischief.

Here's the source.

Sure, things would go a lot more smoothly for you if you could just pepper spray people who don't listen to you. But you can't. Or, can you ... Okay, you can, but it'll cost you, as a Georgia teacher discovered. As reported by 11alive.com:

According to a Macon police news release, officers were called to the Elam Alexander [Academy] ... last Friday.

The release says a school video captured [teacher Barbara] Neeley spraying the 14-year-old boy. Police say two boys were disrupting a classroom and Neeley told them to return to their seats.

She warned she would pepper spray them if they didn't sit down. They didn't, and police say Neeley sprayed them. One boy closed his eyes and was not affected; the other boy was treated by a nurse and his parents were called to school.

And what happened to Ms. Neeley?

Bibb schools spokesman Chris Floore said Barbara Neeley resigned from Elam Alexander Academy on Wednesday, after school officials completed their internal investigation of the pepper-spray incident. Neeley still faces a charge of cruelty to children, according to Macon police.

Here's the source.

It was hard to decide whether to put this story in the "Uncool" or "Gross" category. The Juice went with "Uncool," though it was a tough call. As reported by The Bastro Enterprise:

A video that went viral on the Internet appeared to show someone in a University of Alabama jacket abusing an unconscious Louisiana State University fan after Alabama beat LSU for the BCS football championship, Jan. 9.

Downing, of Smiths Station, Ala., was later booked on charges of sexual battery and obscenity. He was videotaped Jan. 9 "placing his genitals on an LSU fan's face. The LSU fan appears to be heavily inebriated and practically unconscious," a police statement said.

Here's the source.

It is abundantly clear that you just don't mess with Malone. That dog can flat-out smell, as a gent with a full cavity discovered. As reported by kvia.com (El Paso, Texas):

The seizure was made at approximately 1:30 p.m. Monday at the Paso Del Norte pedestrian crossing. A 35-year-old U.S. citizen from El Paso entered the port from Mexico and was selected for a secondary exam by CBP officers. CBP drug sniffing dog "Malone" alerted to the man. During the course of an interview with CBP officers the subject admitted that he had heroin concealed within his body. The subject removed a single oval shaped pellet from an internal cavity. The contents of the 136 gram bundle tested positive for heroin.

CBP officers took custody of the subject and turned him over to U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement HSI special agents for arrest. Federal prosecution was accepted and HSI agents booked the subject, Paulo Alfredo Macias, into the El Paso County Jail where he is currently being detained without bond.

"From an internal cavity ..."? Why not just say it was in his anal cavity, or his anus, or his butt? Is there any other plausible "internal cavity" other than the one he used to fess up? You'll find the source here.

Although there are occasionally extenuating circumstances, generally being late is just plain rude. In this case, there were definitely extenuating circumstances. Late would have been just fine. In an attempt not to be too late, this lady really, really screwed up. As reported by sfgate.com:

A California Highway Patrol officer was on duty on southbound Highway 101 near Golf Course Boulevard in Sonoma County about 8:50 p.m. Friday when Katherine Russell, 34, of Rohnert Park sped past him in a Toyota 4Runner at 90 mph in a construction zone, authorities said. By the time he caught up to her, she was going 100 mph, said CHP Officer Jonathan Sloat.

Russell exited at Highway 116 and stopped. She told the officer she was late to her child’s birthday party, Sloat said.

Really? That's your excuse? Are you high? Well ...

Tests showed her blood-alcohol level was more than twice the legal limit of 0.08 percent, the CHP said.

She was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence, driving without a license and traffic violations.

Maybe she's an alcoholic. She's definitely an Idiot. Here's the source.

In a country where past cases have made it quite clear that one may not insult police officers with impunity, this would seem to be a no-brainer. But what is considered an insult is unclear, as this case demonstrates. As reported by DutchNews.nl:

A homeless man has been cleared by the High Court of insulting a police officer by calling him a mierenneuker - literally ant-fucker - a term used in popular speech to describe people who stick obsessively to the rules.

The court said it depended on the context in which it is used whether or not the word should be considered swearing. Only if mierenneuker is used with the intention to insult or cause offence is it a swearword, the NRC quoted the High Court as saying.

The case dates back to 2010 when the man, known as Sietze J, called a policeman a mierenneuker for throwing away his can of beer. Lower courts ruled J had insulted the police officer and the case went to appeal.

This is all stupid, but really? Just to show you what a stupid and subjective mess the Court has created, check out these cases:

In 2009, a 31-year-old man from Tilburg was fined €170 for insulting behaviour after wearing a t-shirt combining the word 'corrupt' with the police logo. People have also been fined for waving a middle finger (the Dutch equivalent to the two-fingered V-sign) at a police officer and calling a policeman 'homo'.

And these ...

Last January, the High Court ordered the retrial of a man who was given a fine of €200 for wearing a jacket featuring the letters ACAB because it was insulting to the police.

The letters are said to stand for All Cops Are Bastards. Earlier, three other men were fined €330 each for wearing t-shirts with the numbers 1312 printed on them, which stands for the same thing.

To borrow a word from the Dutch, too much ant-fucking. Here's the source.

Sure, lots of folks pick up a few keepsakes when they're on vacation. Maybe something to remind them of the fun they had on the trip. Well check out what this man picked up in Tibet, as reported by The Highline Times (Washington State):

A traveler was stopped at the Sea-Tac Airport by a dog that smelled something funny. Customs and Border Protection agriculture specialists contacted the man and he told them he had four yak skulls in his duffel bag. The traveler told the specialists he found two of the skulls while hiking in Tibet. He also bought two yak skulls at a village store to keep as souvenirs. Two of the skulls had dried flesh on them, which is what alerted a federal Beagle named Woody. An Agriculture program manager said the skulls were destroyed under high-pressure steam to prevent the introduction of animal diseases.

Nothing like a fleshy yak skull to start that stroll down memory lane.

The scale of this formal postal worker's thievery is truly mind-boggling. As reported by 9news.com, he stole about 11,000 packages over a 2-year period!

Schmauder targeted packages sent from retailers like Amazon.com, looking for DVDs and CDs he could re-sell. Additionally, Schmauder stole Victoria's Secret lingerie which he gave to his wife. He admitted to stealing as many as 50 packages a night for two years.

What did he do with all that stuff?

Schmauder resold the stolen items to Angelo's Movies, Music and Gifts, a Littleton store which bills itself as the largest independent music store in the Denver area. Receipts showed Angelo's paid Schmauder $85,174 for 11,829 items.

Sweet Mary! The sentence?

U.S. District Court Judge Christine Arguello sentenced Schmauder to 30 months, or two and a half years, in federal prison, the maximum according to sentencing guidelines ...

You can read more (a fair amount, including information on his mental illness defense) and see a video of the story here.

After this experience, it's hard to imagine any of these young men snorting anything again, EVER. Although they thought they were snorting drugs, turns out they were snorting dogs and a man. Yes, you read that correctly. As reported in The New York Post:

Waldo Soroa, 19; Matrix Andaluz, 18; Jose Marrero, 19; and two juveniles broke into a house in Florida, spotted white powder in two urns, decided it was coke or heroin, and promptly began snorting it, officials said.

Nope.

... the "drugs" turned out to be the cremated remains of homeowner Holli Tencza's dad and her two Great Danes.

The [young men] said they eventually realized their mistake, and had a brief attack of conscience.

"Brief" being the key word ...

They talked about returning the ashes that were left, but then they decided their fingerprints would be pulled off the urns, so they dumped the evidence in a nearby lake.

[HT to a regular reader (who wishes to remain anonymous - can you blame him?) for bringing this story to The Juice's attention.]

You are a 77-year-old man, unloading groceries from your car, when a guy comes up to you with a gun, demanding that you empty your pockets. You do it, right? Not if you are Pat Gillespie of Flint, Michigan. As reported by mlive.com:

Gillespie had a bag with a two-liter of Pepsi, and he took a swing and hit the man. The man got a shot off, hitting Gillespie in the groin.

Your weapon against a gun is a two-liter Pepsi container? And?

The man, who was with another male, ran off empty handed.

UFB. Said Mr. Gillespie ...

“I didn’t want to give them nothing.”

What about that shot to the groin?

...Gillespie was taken to the hospital but later released.

There was little appearance that he was shot, other than a hospital wristband. He said he feels fine, although he is just a little sore.

That's one tough dude. You can read more (a fair amount) here.

Like everyone else (except the perps), The Juice is pleased when drunk drivers make things easy for the fuzz. As reported by The Beacon-News (Illinois):

A 43-year-old Oswego woman was charged with drunken driving after police responded to calls about a woman throwing up out of her car at 6:40 p.m. Monday near Ashlawn Avenue and Circle Drive West, Oswego police said. Officers found the car driving in the 0-99 block of West Jefferson Street. Tessy Callas, of the 0-99 block of West Jefferson Street, Oswego, was also charged with illegal transportation of liquor, police said.

Other than vomiting, what else do drunk people do? Here's a hint: zzzzzzzzzz.

Selina Nieto, 33, of the 200 block of Abbeywood Lane, North Aurora, was charged with drunken driving last week after police were called for a woman asleep at the gas pumps in the 500 block of Montgomery Road, police said Monday.

Perhaps the only time it's safe to laugh in open court is when the judge does. A North Carolina man thought otherwise, and paid for it in a big way. As reported by The Fayetteville Observer:

A Cumberland County judge didn't find it funny when a man kept laughing in her courtroom Friday.

Judge Toni King asked Johnny Montgomery, 47, what was so amusing. According to the Sheriff's Office, Montgomery told her, "It's none of your business."

Um. It is now. Note that Mr. Montgomery was in court for misdemeanor charges "of communicating threats and trespassing."

[Judge] King ordered him removed from her District Courtroom. As deputies searched Montgomery, they found more than 3 grams of crack cocaine on him, Sheriff's Office said.

Oh my. Those misdemeanor charges are looking pretty trifling.

Now [Mr. Montgomery] is charged with felony possession of cocaine. [He] ... was taken to jail where his bail was set at $1,500.

Here's the source, including a photo of Mr. Montgomery.

How can The Juice be so certain that Jennifer Bibby, a 63-year-old neighborhood watch leader will catch the person who vandalized cars in her neighborhood? Because she did it! CCTV may be intrusive, but it doesn't lie. As reported by swns.com:

Police officer’s widow Jennifer Bibby, 63, is an upstanding churchgoer and well-respected as a neighbourhood watch leader in a tight-knit community.

But she has been arrested and cautioned for criminal damage after being caught on CCTV attacking the cars of neighbours Clare Leverton and Suzanne Hoole.

Clare had suffered a number of vandalism attacks over recent years and believed hooded yobs were responsible for the latest damage, which occurred on Bonfire Night.

But Clare was stunned when the CCTV system she installed to catch the culprits spotted Jennifer covering the vehicles with flour and eggs.

Single mother-of-two Clare, who runs Attitudes Hair and Beauty in Hoddesdon, Herts., admitted she was ”shocked” when she saw Jennifer on the footage.

Clare, 44, said: ”The vandalism had been going on for years at my house so we decided to put up some CCTV cameras as a last resort.

What did Ms. Bibby have to say for herself?

”She denied everything to the police until they said ‘you are on CCTV’ and then she admitted it."

Doh! You can read more (a fair amount) here.

Or else what? If you don't follow Legal Juice on Twitter (@LegalJuice), Kenny gets it.

And don't forget to like Legal Juice on Facebook.

When you get excited, you sometimes forget things. Even when you're robbing a bank? As reported by The Chicago Tribune:

The heist happened around 9:45 a.m. at the Citibank branch, 539 N. Michigan Ave., police said. A man walked into the bank and told a teller he had a bomb in a bag he was holding and demanded the teller stuff cash into it, police said.

It's working! It's working!

But then the man left the bag behind with the cash, police said.

Doh!

FBI officials said there was no bomb found and no one was injured.

The man is described being between 6 feet 2 and 6 feet 3 inches tall and clean shaven. He was wearing a baseball cap and wore one blue latex glove.

Here's the source, including a still from the bank's video surveillance.

Of all the places he could have picked, check out where this gent chose to expose himself, as reported by phillyburbs.com:

A man exposed himself to a woman inside the Bucks County Association for the Blind.

Newtown Township police said the incident occurred about 2 p.m. Friday inside the bookstore at the offices at 400 Freedom Drive.

The woman told police the suspect is a skinny, black male, between 35 and 45 years old, about 5 feet 10 inches tall and was wearing a black track suit.

Officers checked the area along with Newtown Borough police and could not find the suspect.

Crazy right? Or was it? Here's the source.

Seriously, are you ever going to escape from the police armed with a dildo? From The Chicago Tribune:

Carolee Bildsten, 56, of Gurnee, will plead not guilty next month to accusations that she charged an officer with the "clear, rigid feminine pleasure device" described in a police report, defense attorney Neil Calanca said.

Mr. Calanca was not pleased with the inclusion of a description of the "weapon."

A former police officer, Calanca said the officer involved in the incident "should be ashamed of himself," and that he would have been embarrassed to include such information in a police report. Gurnee police Cmdr. Jay Patrick countered that such reports "are required to be a factual account of an incident."

So what led to the brandishing of the "clear, rigid feminine pleasure device?"

The alleged assault occurred when the officer went with Bildsten to her apartment in the 5300 block of David Court on Nov. 9 after employees at Joe's Crab Shack in Gurnee accused her of dining without paying for the second time, according to Patrick.

Bildsten reached into a dresser drawer for what the officer thought was money to pay her bill, but instead pulled out the "pleasure device," police allege. The officer deflected the sex toy with his hand, and he was not injured, Patrick said.

The charges?

Along with the aggravated assault charge, Bildsten is scheduled to appear in court on Jan. 27 on the Crab Shack-related theft of services charge and an unrelated charge for aggravated driving under the influence of alcohol.

Click here for the source.

Kids play. Balls go into neighbors' yards. No big deal, right? Normally, yes. Here, it was a BIG deal. As reported by the Flagler County Sheriff's office:

A 56-year-old Palm Coast man was arrested Tuesday evening and charged with three misdemeanors after deputies said he fired a gun after a basketball rolled into his yard.

Bam!

Deputies responded to 80 Providence Lane around 8:22 p.m. after several residents called to report hearing a gun shot in the area. Theodore Van Beveren was arrested at his home on charges of breach of peace, culpable negligence and discharging a firearm while under the influence of alcohol.

Drunk too. Well done, sir.

A 16-year-old witness said he was playing basketball at his home on Providence Lane when the ball rolled over into the yard of Van Beveren.

Van Beveren, according to deputies, was sitting inside his garage. He walked out of the garage as the juvenile walked over to retrieve the ball. It was at that time that Van Beveren walked down the driveway with a firearm and fired once into the ground. The juvenile told deputies he ran away from the man and was not injured.

Deputies found two fully loaded firearms in the garage. They were located on separate tables alongside the chair where Van Beveren was sitting.

Deputies said the homeowner appeared to have been drinking and a half empty bottle of vodka was found next to the chair. He refused to take a breathalyzer measurement. The firearms were taken into custody by the deputies.

Van Beveren was released from the Flagler County Inmate Facility after posting $750 bond on the charges.

$750? Why bother? Here's the source.

A bender? Not uncommon. Driving while on a bender? Common, but thankfully not as common. Getting busted while driving on a bender? Less common. Getting busted TWICE IN THE SAME DAY while on a bender? Fortunately, extremely rare, but it does happen... As reported by The Beaver County Times (Pennsylvania):

Around 9 a.m. that ... morning, [Yvette L.] Cavallo [29] was charged by Harmony Township police with driving under the influence of a controlled substance and possession of a controlled substance.

In that case, police said, Cavallo admitted to taking a combination of pills and then texting while driving. Cavallo hit a telephone pole in the 3700 block of Duss Avenue in Harmony, police said.

Texting too! And then ...

Cavallo's car was towed to Chris Automotive Repair and Towing Service in Conway, where police were called at 9:57 a.m. because Cavallo was in the towing yard and had climbed onto a flatbed truck in an attempt to take something out of her car, Conway police said.

Conway police cited Cavallo with defiant trespass and public drunkenness. She pleaded guilty to both charges April 9.

So that's 2 sets of charges in 2 jurisdictions, and it's not even noon!

According to a police report, Chippewa police were called at 6:45 p.m. March 24 about a reckless driver on Darlington Road. Police found the vehicle near Get-Go on McMillen Avenue with a flat tire, the report said.

Cavallo, who was driving the vehicle, had glassy eyes and was responding to police "sluggishly as though she was having difficulty understanding," the report said. There was also a smell of smoke and cologne coming from the car, the report said.

Cavallo was taken to Heritage Valley Beaver hospital, where she tested positive for marijuana in her system, police said. Cavallo also had a baggie of marijuana and pipe in her purse, police said.

[She] was charged by Chippewa Township police with driving under the influence of a controlled substance, possession of a small amount of marijuana and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Cavallo is still awaiting preliminary hearings on the charges filed by Harmony and Chippewa police.

Let's hope she'll use the time she'll no doubt be doing to get herself together. Here's the source.

Can you really be charged with a felony for throwing a soda? At a machine? Yup. As reported by The Gainesville Sun:

Upset that his order wasn't prepared correctly, a 30-year-old man is accused of throwing his soda on a cash register at a Taco Bell in Gainesville on Sunday night, shutting down the restaurant's computer network for several hours.

Doh! The whole "computer network." Hence the felony ...

Suresh A. Chapman, of Gainesville, was charged with damaging a computer resulting in a loss of $5,000 or more, a second-degree felony.

Police said he threw his soft drink at the register and credit card machine at the Taco Bell at 3408 Archer Road at about 8 p.m., causing an estimated $2,500 worth of damage.

The damage to the computer network meant the store lost about $3,000 in revenue, according to a Gainesville Police Department report.

How much time could you get for that?

GPD spokeswoman Cpl. Angelina Valuri said Officer Sean Borges was right to charge Chapman with the second-degree felony, which can carry a 15-year prison sentence.

Yikes. Adding injury to injury ...

Because of the arrest, Chapman also was charged with violating his probation on a 2011 child abuse case, according to the arrest report.

Mr. Chapman is cooling off in a jail cell.

While the bond was set at $5,000 for the computer damage charge, Chapman was being held Monday at the Alachua County jail without bond because he had been charged with violating his probation.

Click here for the source.

Whatever your opinion is on the legalization of marijuana, it goes without saying that it's illegal in many places. It also going without saying that you shouldn't try to sneak it on a plane and into a foreign country when you know it's illegal in that country. Or does it? As reported by The Boston Herald:

Harvard is being tight-lipped after one of its instructors was busted with pot in her underwear after landing in Bermuda for a weekend getaway with her husband.

In her underwear! Brilliant! Nobody has tried to hide anything there before ... except the Underwear Bomber, and probably scores of other folks!

Drug-sniffing dogs alerted authorities to the 6 grams of marijuana in a small plastic bag stuffed in Mey Akashah’s underwear on Friday.

So you're saying the authorities have dogs that can smell pot? No way! Okay, she's busted. Do you think this woman will go down without a fight?

Akashah, an environmental health instructor at the school of public health, told the arresting officers a doctor had prescribed the pot to treat her nausea after a colon operation, according to the Bermuda Sun News.

Whew. So there is an explanation for all this. Or, is there?

... at a hearing yesterday, Akashah failed to pony up any documentation showing she’d been prescribed marijuana for medical reasons. The Harvard instructor acknowledged that she knew marijuana was illegal in Bermuda but said she “responded illogically due to the amount of pain I was in.”

A senior magistrate said he found it “strange” she couldn’t provide any proof, but he discharged her from custody with no fine. He said a conviction would have had an “overwhelming effect” on her.

Wow. That was incredibly nice. The Juice is totally fine with this outcome, unless she was lying. The Juice despises liars. Here's the source.

Sure, you might wield a gun. You might scream. How about barking like a dog? From The Athens Banner-Herald:

A Simmons Street woman scared off a would-be burglar about 11 p.m. Saturday by acting like a dog, an Athens-Clarke police report said.

When a suspicious man tried turning the woman's door knob, she got on the floor and began scratching at the door and acting like a large dog, police said, though what dog-like behaviors she specifically mimicked remains unknown.

Talk about thinking on your feet (all four of them) ...

The man, who wore an olive jacket and appeared to be homeless, quickly ran from the porch, according to the report. Police searched the neighborhood for him, but to no avail.

Who needs a dog when you can just imitate one? (Dog people - please - no hate mail!)