Legal Juice

Clearly, the attorney asking the question needs to get out more. Not so for the responding attorney. From an actual case...

NTERROGATORY NO. 16: Please describe how “beer pong” is played, including the needed equipment and/or materials.

RESPONSE TO INTERROGATORY NO. 16: Defendants object to this Request as vague, ambiguous, overly broad, unduly burdensome, and not reasonably calculated to lead to discovery of admissible evidence. Subject to and without waiving the foregoing objections, Defendants state that the term “beer pong” appears to refer or relate to at least two different activities, each of which require different equipment and/or materials, and both of which are subject to substantially varying “house rules,” depending on the players and/or location of the specific instance of the activity.

Defendants further provide the following information, available from www.wikipedia.org, catalogued under the title, “Beer pong”. In providing this response, Defendants do not vouch for the veracity, accuracy, or validity of the information contained within the online resource www.wikipedia.org. ; Neither do Defendants claim the response as their own, but have merely provided the information to respond to this Interrogatory to the best of their ability based on diligent research and investigation:

Setup

1. Teams

Beer pong is usually played with two teams of two players each, though it can be played with two teams of one person each, or other numbers of players. Each team begins the game standing at either end of the table behind their rack of cups.

2. Playing field

Although the game is typically played on either a ping pong table or a folding banquet table, enthusiasts may create a personalized table for use by friends and visitors. In general, this will be a plywood board cut to proper size, sometimes painted with sports, school, or fraternity symbols and given a liquid-proof coating. Some companies sell tables, and there are companies making portable or inflatable tables. The game can be played on any flat surface, such as a door or dining table.

3. Equipment

The most common cups used are 16 ounce disposable plastic cups (such as red Solo cups) with ridge-lines which can be used precisely to measure the amount of beer to be poured into the cup. On each side of the table, teams assemble equilateral triangles, with a convergence point focusing on the other team. Games typically use either six, ten, or twelve cups. Each team usually has a separate cup of water as well, used to rinse off the ball.

38 mm or 40 mm table tennis (ping pong) balls are typically used for game play.

This diagram illustrates a standard set up for a game of Beirut, with either 6 or 10 cups being used.

4. Alcohol

An inexpensive pale lager or light beer of 3.2–5% ABV is sometimes preferred because of the large quantities of beer which may be consumed during the course of several games. For non-drinkers, the game may be played without beer, as is done at Utah State University, where alcohol is not allowed on campus—root beer is used instead. The game may also be played with water instead of beer, or with cups full of water that players do not drink from, instead using another cup of beer or alcohol. Water pong has been banned at some freshman Dartmouth dorms due to a possibility of water intoxication.

Game play

There are very few universal or “official” rules. Typically, players abide by a uniform set of "house rules", which are often consistent within one university or region of the country (e.g., "Ivy League rules" or "West Coast rules"), or may vary on a "house-by-house" basis. Number of cups, bouncing, amount of alcohol, the distance shots must be taken from, et cetera, may all vary.

In some house rules, players must immediately drink any cup that has been hit. Failure to do so incurs a penalty, such as drinking more beer or losing the game. Some rule sets allow for "re-racking" (also known as "rearranging", "consolidation", and other names), which is a rearrangement of a team's remaining cups after some have been removed. The formations, number of cups, when to rearrange and so on depend on the rule set. For example, a team with three remaining cups may ask the other team to "re-rack" their multiple targets into a single triangle formation.

Teams have many possibilities for reracks.

Some other house rules allow swatting the ball away if it bounces and if the ball spins around the cup. Other rules state that if a team makes both shots in a round, they may shoot again, sometimes called a "repo" or "rollback". With WSOBP rules only one repo/rollback is allowed and is a single ball. If this ball is also made the three consecutive shots are referred to as a "splash-trick".

After shooting, teams may dunk the ping pong balls into cups of water in order to wash off the balls. However, research showed that the wash cups still hold bacteria, such as E. coli.

1. Shot techniques

There are three key ways to shoot in beer pong: the arc, the fastball (or "laser"), and the bounce shot. The most common throwing technique is the "arc" shot, where one grasps the ping pong ball with the tips of the thumb and forefinger, holds the arm at an angle with the ball upwards, then throw by using gentle elbow motion, holding the upper arm parallel with the table.

Some players throw "fastball" style, which uses more of a hard chopping motion to send the ball in a more direct line to the intended target cup. Also, a fastball shot may be favorable if house rules dictate a cup that is knocked over is taken off the table, in which case a fastball can eliminate multiple cups if thrown hard enough.

A "bounce" shot is performed by bouncing the ball toward the cups. Since (depending on house rules) the other team may have the opportunity to swat away a bounced ball, a bounce may be worth more than one cup. In some rule sets, bouncing is not allowed; in others, it is required.

The typical path for the different kinds of shots.

2. Winning the game

If the opposing team makes the last cup, the other loses unless they can make either all remaining cups or simply one cup, depending on "house rules"—this is called a rebuttal or redemption. In some rule sets, if the opposing team hits the last cup with both of their balls, no redemption is given to the losing team.

A shutout rule is a house rule usually stated before a game or during the game in the midst of a shutout. If the shutout does occur the losing team must do whatever the two teams decided on, such as going streaking or drinking a large quantity of beer.

Defendant further provides the following information, available from www.wikipedia.org, catalogued under the title, “Beer pong (paddles)”:

Game play

No "official" codified version of the rules of pong exist, and many "house rules" variations exist. In general terms, players start by assembling cups of beer or other obstacles onto either side of a table and a median in between. Like table tennis, pong requires one side to serve the ball and the other side to attempt to return the ball and begin a rally. Both the serve and the intra-game volleys generally must propel in an arch trajectory. Players may not return the ball until it has struck their own side, objects on their side, or the floor. Following the serve, players attempt to hit or sink in the opponents cups, whereby the opponent will lose one or more points. Once all points for a cup or obstacle have been taken away, the object is removed. The game is won when all objects have been removed from the opponents side.

1. Equipment

Pong requires a table, paddles, a ball, cups, and beer. Also, a median is sometimes utilized.

The table is not a regulation ping-pong table but is made from one or two sheets of plywood, usually measuring 4'x8', 5'x9', or 5'x10'. However, a regular ping-pong table may be utilized, as long as the net is removed. The sheets are propped up on supports such as sawhorses, garbage cans, or frames specially built from lumber or steel pipes.

The median is a divider placed across the center of the table, such as a pole, hockey stick, broom handle, or the net of a table tennis set.

Paddles are commercial ping pong paddles, sometimes in modified form to suit the house rules. Typically, the handles are broken off.

Cups are predominately 12oz plastic cups arranged in a predetermined configuration, 16 oz. cups are utilized as well.

Beer (or water for water pong, cocktails for tails pong, champagne for champong) fills each cup approximately 5/6ths of the way full before each game.

2. Configuration

Cups or obstacles may be assembled in a number of configurations. Often these configurations vary widely between groups, with players remaining very loyal to their original form of play.

* Two Cup: Two cups are placed next to each other a set distance from the edge of the pong table, typically one paddle length. Two cup can be played for points and/or simply until your two cups are gone.
o Four Cup: Each player on a side has a "Two Cup" set up.

* Line: An expansion of "Two Cup" to any number of cups lined up in a single row a set distance from the edge of the pong table, typically one paddle length.
o Wall: Cups in a line across the width of the table.
o Great Wall: Cups lining all sides of the table.

* Triangle: A six cup triangle centered on each end with the base along the back line.

* Shrub: A six cup triangle centered on each end, a paddle's width from the edge of the table, with a single 'stem' cup behind them.
o Tree: An eleven cup variant with a ten cup triangle.
o Double-stemmed Tree: A twelve cup variant with a ten cup triangle and two stem cups.
o Sequoia: A seventeen cup variant with a 15 cup triangle and two stem cups.
o Tower: A twenty-one cup variant. The base consists of a "Tree," a "shrub" is carefully balanced on top of the base. A miniature three-cup tree is balanced on the "shrub" and finally a single cup is balanced on the top.
o Sequoia Tower: A thirty-eight cup variant. "Tower" with a "Sequoia" base.
o Enchanted Forest: Typically played with two pong tables placed side by side. The number of players is unlimited to the extent that the tables get too crowded. Each player starts with a "Tree" and once your last cup is gone - magically another "Tree" appears in front of you. Etiquette dictates that you do not hit towards the person immediately to your left or right, but etiquette quickly dissipates as the game proceeds. The game ends when you decide to walk away.
o Social: Same as "Enchanted Forest" but each player has a "Scrub" instead of a "Tree" and 2 ping pong balls are in play at any given time.

* Ship or Battleship: A configuration modeled after the classic board game Battleship. Each team positions five "boats" aligned to a grid. The "boats" consist of one 5-cup arrangement, one 4-cup arrangement, two 3-cup arrangements, and one 2-cup arrangement, similar to the board game. Additionally, there is a "mine" or two which if hit by an opponent is drunk by the opponent. Sometimes the "mine" is movable and may be refilled.
o Pearl Harbor: Originally called 8-Man. A variant on "Ship" where two pong tables are placed side by side. There are 4 teams each defending a corner of the pong field, instead of the normal short side of the table. A 6-cup "boat" is added to the game, as well as an additional "mine." Again, the "mine" may be movable and may be refilled.

* Battlestar: A combination of "Ship" and "Tree."
o Battlestar Gallatica: A combination of "Tower" and "Ship"
o Towerstar Gabootica: A combination of "Sequoia Tower" and "Ship"

* Tic-Tac-Toe: A massive game in which all likelihood will require substitutions as 81 cups are placed on each side of the table. The cups are sets up 9 groupings of 9 cups obviously in the formation of a Tic-tac-toe board. You win by getting rid of three 9 cup groupings as per the normal rules of Tic-tac-toe.

* Table: Another massive game. Cups are set up to cover the entire surface of the table. A player must continue to serve and incur penalties until they have cleared a space on the table large enough to legally serve.

* The Unholy: Another version is where a shot of Jagermeister is put in a shot glass in front of the single beer glass one paddle length ahead on the center line. If the person hitting the shot toward the beer glass hits the shot glass, they must take the shot, hence the name "The Unholy".

3. Primary rules

Start of game: Usually the challenging team serves first. Often, it is considered polite for one team to volunteer to serve first. Sometimes players will throw the ball, similar to Beirut, to determine who serves first.

Serve: A player serves by striking the ball so that it makes contact with their own side once, immediately followed by contact with the opposing side.

Serve fault: Failing to contact the opposing side on a serve is considered a fault. Often a predetermined number of faults results in the serving team losing one or more points.

Serve hit: Making contact with cups or obstacles on the opposing side when serving is considered a serve-hit. Often the serving team immediately loses one or more points.

Ace: A serve resulting in the ball bouncing in an awkward fashion, such as off the cornered edge of the table, is called an ace. An ace is legal and generally sought after by experienced players.

Dirty serve: Serving in a disreputable manner, such as striking a ball that is already bouncing or squeezing the ball between the thumb and paddle, is considered a dirty serve. A dirty serve is typically legal, but frowned upon.

Volley: After the serve, teams alternate striking the ball onto the opposing team's side of the table.

Hit: Striking the opponents cups during a volley is considered a hit. Usually the opponents will lose one point or drink.

Sink: Having the ball come to rest in one of the opponents cups during a volley is considered a sink. Usually the penalty for the opponents would be doubled, costing two points or drinks in most circumstances.

End of volley: A volley ends when the ball bounces twice, misses the opposite side, is double hit, or hits or sinks in the cups. The team that caused the volley to end must then serve the ball to restart play.

Double hit: A team striking the ball twice is considered to have double hit the ball. This generally results in the end of a volley.

4. Secondary rules

The rules included in this section are an outline of popular rules that exist in standard variations. Localizations of beer pong will often be based on a subset of these or may include additional rules not listed here.

Save: Immediately after the ball strikes a team's cups, the team may attempt a subsequent return called a save. A save generally cancels the penalty associated with the hit.

Cup Save: When the ping pong ball hits an opponent's cup and the ball bounces high and far enough to cross back over to a team's side, negating the hit penalty.

Throw Save: Throwing one’s paddle to save a hit penalty. Usually occurs, when a team's cup is hit on the edge or side closest to the opponent, and the ping pong ball ricochets back toward the opponent's side but not far enough to avoid hitting a team's side of the table twice, which would result in the hit penalty being accessed. Because of the ricochet of the ball and the distance from a player, the player is required to throw their paddle in an attempt to hit the ball over to the opponent's side.

Blow Save: Where a ping pong ball hits a cup and while swirling around the cup about to "sink" into the cup, but before the ball touches the beer, a player blows air under the ball and pops it out of the cup. Obviously, this only saves a "sink," and a penalty for a hit is still accessed unless the player in the same motion is able to hit the ball onto the opponent's side. This type of save is contentious.

Save hit: In attempting a save, if a player strikes the opponents cups, it is generally referred to as a save hit. A save hit often results in the players on whom the hit was made losing a point or drink.

Save sink: In attempting a save, if a player strikes the ball so that it comes to rest in the opponents cups, it is generally referred to as a save sink. The consequence of a save sink is often the dual-doubling of the combined save and sink, costing in four points or drinks in the general course of play.

Floor shot: On hitting the floor, a team may attempt one final shot to hit the opponents cups called a floor shot. Hitting or sinking from a floor shot is generally considered the same as hitting or sinking during a volley. A floor shot may similarly be saved, although the volley is still terminated once all save shots have completed.

Variants

1. Lob pong

The game mirrors the basic form of a friendly game of regulation table tennis. Each serve and return must complete an arc acceptable to opponents and observers, though the goal of sinking the ball in a cup tends to reward returning in the proper form. Hitting an opponent's cup means one-fifth, one-half or simply a "sip" of the cup is drunk (depending on the school), and sinking a ball in a cup (aka, a "plop") means that a player or a team must drink a half or the entire cup. Spilling one's own cup usually merits drinking an entire cup of freshly poured beer. Other beverages than beer, including water or cocktails, are sometimes permitted, but some beverage is necessary.

a. Service

The ball is properly served by striking it with the paddle, ensuring it bounces only once off the serving team's half of the table, and then lands on the opposing team's half. If the ball hits an opponent's cup the serving team must drink one sip from their cup and serve again. This is a "fault". If the serve lands in an opponent's cup the serving team must drink an entire beer. This is also a "fault".

Two "faults" are allowed if the ball fails to make its second bounce on the opponent's half of the table. If a server faults three times, the opponent gets one point and gets to serve. Note that hitting or sinking on the serve do not count as faults; in this case, the opponent collects 1 or 2 points respectively and immediately gets to serve.

Since a game cannot be lost on a service error, at match point the losing server has an unlimited number of "faults", and the server does not lose points or service if the opponent's cup is accidentally hit or sunk on the serve. As a result, the server should keep trying for the best serve possible when the opponent is at match point. Some players institute a three-fault rule, however, the violation of which requires that a full beer be drunk.

A related strategy is to foul up the ball and intentionally serve it into your opponent's cup. If you are able to sink it later, your opponent must drink a fouled beverage. This is known as "intentional gorfing".

In some places, continuing service after the ball has hit a cup is, not only commendable, but results in "one on". Roughly explained, if a cup has been hit and the opponent is able to keep the ball in play, there will be "one drink" on the table. The losing side of that service will not only lose a point, but will have the pleasure of drinking a "drink" from their cup. Obviously this rule is not limited to just one hit of a cup but can expand infinitely, depending upon the skill of the players.

b. Return

The ball must be returned after it has bounced just once off the returning team's half of the table; this includes the table top and the cups. Blowing a spinning ball out of a cup and returning it is permitted but it is highly-frowned upon unless done by girls. Ricocheting the ball off external objects such as a vertical or horizontal structural member in the basement, a ceiling, or a bystander is usually permitted. If a ball is extremely hard to return or if it is "un-returnable", both teams can agree to call it a "DB," "Dive-bomb," or "stoner." If a "DB" or "stoner" is agreed upon, then the point is played over.

There are a number of formal variants of Lob, including the standard Two-Cup (one full cup per player), Four-Cup (two full cups per player), Shrub (a triangle of six beers with a "stem" attached to one side), Tree (much like Shrub, except the triangle includes 10 beers), Line (with four half cups per player), Full-Cup Line or Wall (cups in a line across the width of the table), Great Wall (cups lining all sides of the table), Table (cups covering the surface; one must foul out to clear a space on his own side for service), Battleship (or 'Ship, two lines of three cups and one line of five, four and two cups placed strategically, similar to the formations in the board game Battleship), Rotating Randomness (irregular groups of cups placed in irregular pie-shaped sections of the table and played by six or more people who change positions after each point, encouraging shifting ad-hoc team behavior), and Henge (stacked cups or trilithons in irregular pie-shaped zones, with each player having a separate "Tourist" cup whose strategic drinking out of turn imposes the requirement that all others drink theirs, and other ritual elements).

2. Gentleman's game

This version is similar to "lob pong" but with key differences. This game is always played as either a one-on-one or doubles match, with one keg cup of beer per person. The game is always played to 21 points, and victor(s) must win by at least 2. When a side reaches 20 points, or any time thereafter when its total is one point ahead of the other side, the match is at game point. The winning side must end the game with a "hoop" (see below); when at game point, merely hitting the opponent's cup does not result in an additional point for the leading team, though a sip is "on the table" (see below).

An optional (though highly recommended) variation employs the "hoop rule", in which the winning side must tally at least as many "hoops" as the other side. Under this condition, the winning hoop cannot come until the winning side has at least evened the hoop count. Any hoop that comes on game point prior to the hoop that evens the count does not result in an additional point for the leading team, but shall be treated as any other hoop in terms of drinking requirements. Between evenly matched foes, the "hoop rule" can result in quite lengthy competitions and continued debauchery long into the night. It is believed, though not confirmed, that the record for most amount of "hoops" in a game is 17. Of course if an opponent feels the sudden urge to "boot", a gentleman always allows a short break, though said opponent is then expected to "rally". Anything less would be uncivilized.

a. Service

The ball is properly served by striking it with the paddle, ensuring it bounces only once off the serving team's half of the table, and then lands on the opposing team's half. If the ball hits an opponent's cup the serving team must drink one sip from their cup and serve again. If the serve lands in an opponent's cup the serving team must drink an entire beer. If the ball fails to make its second bounce on the opponent's half of the table after two attempts, the serving team must take a sip and continue serving. No points are awarded to either side on the serve. Service changes sides after every combined 5 points. In doubles play, teammates must alternate serving the 5 point sets with each side change.

b. Return

The ball must be returned after it has bounced just once off the returning team's half of the table; this includes the table top and the cups. Ricocheting the ball off external objects is permitted. Points may be scored anytime after the first serve.

Points are scored one at a time for either a "hoop" (the return lands in the opponent's cup) or for hitting the opponent's cup followed by the opponent's failure to make a successful return. When a hoop occurs, the side whose cup was "hooped" drinks an entire beer per team member. When a hit cup occurs (without a successful return), the side whose cup was hit drinks one sip per team member. A successful return off a hit cup negates the point, but a sip is "on the table", and the side that fails to sustain the rally must take a sip at its conclusion.

If a ball hits the edge of the table at any time and is thus impossible to return both teams can agree to call it a "stoner" and replay the point.

3. Fast pong

As the name suggests, fast pong happens at a faster pace than lob pong. While there are many variations of the game, one major difference is that the goal is often just to hit the opponents cup and sinking the ball into the cup happens much less frequently. The game can be played either with points (with each hit counting as a point) or with drinks (with each hit requiring the opponent to drink a certain amount of beer, usually half of the 12-ounce cup).

4. Bucknell variant

a. Purpose of game and winning

The purpose of Bucknell pong (referred to as "pong" to Bucknellians) is to hit the opponents' cup three times. After one hit, the team being hit has to drink half of their beverage. After the second hit the team must drink the rest. After the third hit the team loses. One can also win the game by hitting the ball into the opponents' cup once. If that happens, the game automatically ends and the losing team must chug their beverage. In this style of pong, the ball is never out of play and one side always has the option to take a shot from wherever the ball lies, whether on the floor, in the garbage, or in an empty cup.

b. The table and table lay-out

The Pong Table sits 33 inches off the ground and the surface area is exactly 9'x5'. Because the Pong Table is a close sibling to the ping pong table, two hinges for a net should be fastened at the middle point of the table. Additionally, a flattened ping pong net should lie between and connected to the hinges. While Pong can be played with actual ping pong paddles, the more traditional and acceptable way to play involves paddles which use sandpaper-like material as padding and have the handles broken off.

Four 12-oz cups of beer should be placed on opposing sides of the table, one for each of the four players. The placement may be six inches from both the end and the side of the table, but it is most important that it remain uniform for all four players, ensuring that no team gains an advantage. Typically, one side of the table is declared “Winners’ Side”, and the team that wins the previous match will play on that side while the challengers will use “Losers’ Side”.

c. Service and return

The serve must always be made to the person standing diagonally across the table and needs to hit both sides of the table. If it doesn’t, the opposing team has the choice to accept the serve or to call out “One Side” or “No Sides” and give the ball back to the serving team.

If the team serving the ball hits any cup with the ball, that will be considered “A Hit” against the serving team and they will serve the ball again unless that would be the third hit against them. If the serve knocks over a cup, regardless of how much beer is in the cup (or if the cup is empty), the serving team loses the match and must chug one cup of beer as a penalty.

When the opposing team serves the ball, the receiving player can either hit it with his paddle immediately or choose to hit it off of his body for a better shot. The latter maneuver is called “A Body”. If the ball hits either of the receiving players’ hands, arms, or paddles, it is considered that player’s shot.

d. "Bodying" the ball

Players have the choice of either hitting the ball off of the table or “Bodying” it to either side for a better shot off of the ground. Because a player’s hands and arms are considered extensions of the paddle, you cannot Body the ball with either your hands or arms. If you do, this is considered a shot. You also cannot body the ball with your foot or your leg below the knee. This is a “Foot” and the player that does this should pick up the ball and serve. Additionally, you cannot Body a ball that has already hit the floor, even if done by accident.

If the ball gets stuck in an article of clothing, that player may take one step before inducing the ball to drop on the floor, at which time normal play resumes. This is the same rule if the ball rolls into an empty cup.

e. Defense

While the opposing team takes a shot, a player has the choice of playing defense (more commonly referred to a "D") by placing either their hand or their paddle in front of their cup. Some players consider this weak, but it is a common and acceptable practice. Defense only works against a ball that has already hit the table. If the ball hits the table first and then hits the defense, the player should pick the ball up and serve. If the ball bounces off of the defense onto the other side, that team must play the ball; the hand is treated like the paddle, and so defense can be considered a shot.

If the one team hits the ball and it hits the other team’s defense in the air, that will be considered a hit if it would have hit the cup were the defense not there. However, this is a difficult thing to ascertain. Ultimately, the team that shot the ball gets to make the decision of whether the shot is a Hit or not. However, the arguments of the bystanders and the other team should be listened to and respected. For this reason, playing defense can sometimes increase the risk both of the other team calling a hit and the ensuing arguments.

f. Knock-overs and dunks

If a team knocks over their own cup with the ball, their paddle, their body, or by hitting the table, they lose and must drink a beer. This is true regardless of how much beer was in the cup (or if it was empty). If a player hits a ball (not on the serve) and knocks over the other team’s cup, his team automatically wins, regardless of how full the cup is. The Full Cup Knockover is considered the most difficult shot in the game.

If a player hits the ball and it lands into the other team’s beer, that player’s side wins the game and the other team must chug their beers. This is called a Dunk.

What would you do if you had a sweet tooth, but no cashish to satisfy it? Hopefully not what this gent in Louisiana did. As reported by The Advocate:

The suspected “Brownie Bandit,” a burglar with a sweet tooth, was arrested after a more-than-two-week run pilfering a Gonzales bakery of its stocks of sugary baked goods and other treats, police said.

Officers caught Jamon J. Simoneaux, 18, 2228 S. Burnside Ave., Lot No. 133, Gonzales, inside Jumonville’s Bakery after business hours Thursday with a bag full of chocolate-frosted brownies, the Police Department reported in a news release Friday.

Sticky-fingered burglar caught red-handed?

Bakery owner Lynn Jumonville said he called police after repeated nighttime break-ins and the costs of fixing broken windows and cut window screens began to mount.

Jumonville said his bakers would make brownies and sugar cookies between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. for the next day’s business, but the burglar would wait until the bakery closed for the night then break in around 8:30 p.m. or 9 p.m. to sample the sweets.

“We made them, and he would come in to help himself,” Jumonville said.

Police said Simoneaux confessed he was responsible for six burglaries and three additional attempted burglaries at Jumonville’s Bakery, all between Aug. 8 and Thursday.

You can read more (a fair amount), and see the sweets here.

Really? Didn't The Juice just tell you not to complain about the calzone? But no, you wouldn't listen. As reported by the Sun Sentinel:

Flagler County authorities say a restaurant owner pistol-whipped and beat a customer who complained that his takeout order was incorrect.

Joseph Milano, the owner of Goomba's Pizzeria, has been charged with aggravated assault and battery with a deadly weapon and released on bail.

According to a police report, security footage from the pizzeria shows that Milano struck Richard Phinney with a gun. He then jumped over a counter and started to assault Phinney and his roommate.

Phinney was at the pizzeria to collect a refund for a calzone, which he said was prepared incorrectly. He was taken to a hospital after the incident with a bloodied head.

Is it just The Juice, or would you like to try one of Goomba's calzones too?

Who would think to look inside bologna for drugs? It's almost like you'd have to be tipped off ... As reported by www.wwwlp.com:

30-year-old Juan Rodriguez of Holyoke was arrested Thursday for allegedly trafficking a kilogram of cocaine worth $100,000.

According to the news release from Holyoke Police Postal Inspector Brian Dailey contacted Lt. David R. Pratt regarding a package addressed to Felix Huertas at 193 Essex Street.

Postal records reveal that similar packages were mailed from Puerto Rico to 193 Essex Street in the months of May and July in 2010.

A federal search warrant was obtained. Inspector Dailey delivered the parcel to 193 Essex Street where a female signed for the package [which contained the cocaine-stuffed bologna] with Rodriguez being present. Rodriguez took the package. Both of them entered the home.

They were immediately put under arrest. Bail for Rodriguez is set at $250,000.

Chief Anthony Scott told 22News Rodriguez is a career criminal [who] was convicted of assault and battery and threatening to murder in 2008.

Really? How is it he is out of jail 2 years later? Go figure. Here's the source, including a photo of the cocaine-stuffed bologna.

Be honest. You've smacked or kicked a machine - a parking meter, a vending machine, a copier ... But this guy took it to another level. Per The Salt Lake Tribune:

A Salt Lake City mortgage company employee allegedly got drunk, opened fired on his firm’s computer server with a .45-caliber automatic, and then told police someone had stolen his gun and caused the damage.

Maybe he didn't do it?

Salt Lake County prosecutors say Campbell called police late on Aug. 12, claiming a man had stolen his gun and fired into the $100,000 computer server owned by RANLife Home Loans, located at 268 W. 400 South.

A probable cause statement alleges that Campbell told police he had been “mugged, assaulted with his own firearm and drugged” by a mystery assailant.

So don't be so quick to judge. Wait, something is coming in over the wire ...

... acquaintances of Campbell reportedly told police he had earlier been drunk, was armed and had threatened to shoot the computer and maybe himself.

Doh! Of note: "acquaintances" not "friends." The charges?

... criminal mischief, a second-degree felony; carrying a dangerous weapon while under the influence and providing false information to police, both Class B misdemeanors; and public intoxication, a Class C misdemeanor.

No word on whether the server will make it ...

Perhaps the first rule of armed robbery is: Make sure the victim can't identify you. Check this out, as reported by www.wcti12.com:

Doris Edwards, 54, is charged with assault, armed robbery and kidnapping. She's in the Pitt County Jail under $500,000 bond. Last Tuesday, attorney William Wooten told police one of his clients had tied him up and robbed him. At first, police thought no money was taken from the victim, but it turns out the suspect stole a credit card.

She robbed her lawyer! In his office! Do you think this bodes well for her on the charge(s) the lawyer/victim was representing her for? Best of luck to her new lawyer.

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[Here's a classic bungled break-in attempt.]

Lots of people don't like cats. Probably 99.99% of those people just ignore them. But not this woman. Fortunately, the cat's owner had a security camera that caught the whole thing on video. Per The Courier Mail:

The bespectacled, grey-haired woman, who appears to be in her 50s, was filmed about 8pm local time Saturday walking along Stephanie and Darryl Mann’s street in Coventry.

In the recording, the woman spots the Manns' four-year-old rescue cat Lola and strokes it tenderly before suddenly grabbing her by the scruff of the neck and calmly dumping her in a rubbish bin before closing the lid and walking away.

How do you do that? Let's hope she doesn't have kids... You can see the video by clicking here or on YouTube by clicking here (the woman enters at about 24 seconds). And what about the cat?

The couple found Lola some 15 hours later when they heard the cat meowing in the bin. Lola has since recovered from the ordeal.

Cruella remains at large.

This may actually be the first case of "arm-wrestling rage." And this was some serious rage. As reported by The Sun Sentinel:

According to the arrest report, Erick Lee Blanton was visiting a home in the 400 block of Sunrise Drive early Sunday morning when he challenged another man to an arm-wrestling contest and lost. The winner of the match told officers that Blanton then became upset [a gross understatement].

Blanton left the house, got in a red pickup, and allegedly drove it across the lawn and over a mailbox, trying to hit bystanders.

Certainly uncool, but then ...

Witnesses told police Blanton also put the barrel of a rifle against the forehead of his erstwhile arm-wrestling opponent.

Yikes. Time to coin a new saying: "If you can't beat 'em, at least scare the crap out of 'em." The charges?

...four counts of aggravated assault with a motor vehicle and one count of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon...

Anger management issues?

There are lots of ways to show your family some love. You might, say, try to visit your grandson in jail and bring Mary Jane. No doubt he would have appreciated it. We'll never know. As reported in The Dayton Daily News:

Richard Heritz [age 85!], of West Chester Twp., stepped onto the grounds of the Warren Correction Institution Aug. 13 to visit his grandson. Gregory Heritz had been incarcerated at the prison for two years, and had eight more to come from a burglary conviction out of Butler County, according to prison records.

Before Heritz saw his grandson, he was pulled aside by state troopers, who were acting on a tip they had received. A few hours later, Heritz was behind bars as well, accused of attempting to smuggle marijuana onto prison grounds.

Snitch? The crime?

He is charged with attempting to convey drugs on the grounds of a detention facility, a third-degree felony, and possessing criminal tools, a fifth-degree felony.

The time?

If convicted, he could face up to seven years in prison and a $15,000 fine.

You can read more (a fair amount, including mug shot) here.

Life lesson: When things are going well, STFU - advice a 19-year-old German man surely wishes he had followed. As reported by Reuters:

A German bank robber led his pursuers straight to him after taunting police in an email over their efforts to catch him. Authorities in the southern city of Wuerzburg said on Wednesday the 19-year-old sent emails to police and two newspapers to point out factual errors in the report of his bank raid in the town of Roettingen a week ago.

According to daily Bild, he mocked the police for getting his age, height and accent wrong then pointed out he escaped in a car, not on foot.

Police traced his email and arrested him in a gambling hall in Hamburg just a few hours later.

So not only does his taunt provide factual information that would assist in his identification, he uses a traceable email account! Brilliant! Based on all this, the young man's reaction upon being caught shouldn't surprise you.

"He was completely shocked," the spokesman said.

Doh!

Sure, everyone has either heard about, or engaged in, a love tumble in a strange place or two. But, as Maxwell Smart often said to the Chief, "would you believe" a couple in British Columbia was caught having sex IN A GARBAGE TRUCK!? As reported in the Courier Mail, there were " ... reports of people walking suspiciously behind a business ..."

"When the officer was out of his car having a look around, checking doors he could hear noises coming from the dumpster," said Sgt. John Price.

The officer called out and got no response, so he pulled out his flashlight and took a look inside.

"He peeked over the edge and in the bottom of the dumpster, a man and a woman (were) full-on nude, intertwined, oblivious to his presence," Price said, confirming the pair were in the act.

Since they were having sex in a garbage truck, I guess it's not surprising that they didn't notice the police officer. The dude was "taken into custody on an unrelated outstanding warrant." The "30-year-old woman was simply told to go home."

You're trying to get out of a bad situation. You have at your disposal a knife and ... your [alleged] flesh-eating-bacteria-infected penis. Which do you deploy first? Not a tough call, right? Here's how it played out in a Seattle Radio Shack, as reported by the Seattle Post-Intelligencer:

According to police reports regarding the Jan. 16 incident, a clerk at the 3rd Avenue electronics store spotted Anthony Joseph Urga attempting to steal two iPod Nano players. When the clerk and another employee confronted Urga, the man returned the iPods but refused to open his backpack to see whether he was attempting to steal additional items.

Should of just done it ...

"Urga then proceeded to plead with (the clerk) to allow him to leave, because he was sick," a Seattle police detective said in a June 9 affidavit. "When (the clerk) said no, Urga dropped his pants exposing his penis and stated that he had a 'flesh eating bacteria' and that he would expose (the clerk)."

Really? Not the knife?

The detective said Urga then drew a knife from his belt but was tackled before he could unfold the blade.

Too late ...

Urga was arrested and taken to King County Jail, which declined to admit him due to an unspecified medical condition, the detective said. The 42-year-old Loyal Heights resident was then driven to Harborview Medical Center; the detective told the court. Urga then walked out of emergency room.

Just walks right out of the ER!

Charged with second-degree assault, Urga is not currently in custody, according to jail records. A $50,000 warrant for his arrest has been issued.

Here's the source.

A big "shout out" from The Juice to Mr. John Long of Loxahatchee, Florida for the assist (along with, or course, the Sun Sentinel) in further entrenching "legal juice" into our lexicon. How did he do this? Here's how, as reported by the Sun Sentinel:

[Mr.] Long ... is the alleged orange juice burglar, suspected of breaking into three Wellington homes Sunday night while residents were inside and stealing orange juice, reports WPTV News in West Palm Beach.

The Sun Sentinel went on to say (drum roll please) ...

Now he'll need a little legal juice.

Yes! Yes! Yes! I, er, I mean The Juice has arrived! ... The Juice would like to thank the Academy, and everyone who has worked to make Legal Juice what it is today (whatever that is) ...

But back to the story. Why steal OJ? Well ...

"He did some ecstasy and PCP and hasn't been right since. He's having delusions of grandeur and other issues," his father Vincent Long told WPTV News.

Here is the story of the century (for obvious, very Juicy reasons). (In all seriousness, please note that The Juice is basking in this worldwide recognition, not denigrating Mr. Long.)

Perhaps the only time it's safe to laugh in open court is when the judge does. A North Carolina man thought otherwise, and paid for it in a big way. As reported by The Fayetteville Observer:

A Cumberland County judge didn't find it funny when a man kept laughing in her courtroom Friday.

Judge Toni King asked Johnny Montgomery, 47, what was so amusing. According to the Sheriff's Office, Montgomery told her, "It's none of your business."

Um. It is now. Note that Mr. Montgomery was in court for misdemeanor charges "of communicating threats and trespassing."

[Judge] King ordered him removed from her District Courtroom. As deputies searched Montgomery, they found more than 3 grams of crack cocaine on him, Sheriff's Office said.

Oh my. Those misdemeanor charges are looking pretty trifling.

Now [Mr. Montgomery] is charged with felony possession of cocaine. [He] ... was taken to jail where his bail was set at $1,500.

Here's the source, including a photo of Mr. Montgomery.

Have you ever had to go to the bathroom so badly that you couldn't make it from the bar to the bathroom? Yeah, neither has The Juice. One Adolfo Mosmann would answer differently. Or, if he could make it to the bathroom, he decided not to make the trip. As succinctly stated by the sorority girls in Animal House, ewwwwww! Per The Orlando Sentinel ...

Adolfo Mosmann, 24, who is from Brazil and in the U.S. on a student visa, was arrested about 1:15 a.m. Monday.

An off-duty Orange County Sheriff's Office deputy who was working security at the [House of Blues] in the 1400 block of East Buena Vista Drive noted in an incident report that Mosmann was caught urinating in the cups and placing them on the bar, where other people were drinking, even though bathroom facilities were nearby.

The security guy must have been ... pissed.

[Mr. Mosmann] was thrown out of the club about 11:45 p.m. Sunday and told not to return, documents show.

And of course a guy who urinates in cups at the bar is going to do as he is told ...

An employee and another witness later saw Mosmann return to the club in Downtown Disney Westside. He was wearing a different shirt.

A different shirt? Brilliant!

Mosmann, who has a Jacksonville address, was described in an Orange County sheriff's report as "intoxicated."

He then was arrested on a trespassing charge.

Sadly, this bender may cost Mr. Mosmann A LOT. Why?

Rosters show that Mosmann has played soccer on college teams at Jackson Community College in Michigan and University of South Florida.

It is unclear whether his student visa is in danger because of his arrest.

"While I cannot comment on the specifics of this case, convictions for some criminal offenses can result in the revocation of student visas," said Dani Bennett, a spokeswoman for U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement. "If a student visa is revoked, the individual may request reconsideration of the revocation."

Where is he now? Free on a $500 bond, and hopefully taking a break from the bar scene.

The queen of the McNuggets. The Juice blogged about Ms. Dushane previously, but at the time, the video of the incident had not been released. It has now, and here it is:

As reported by The Toledo Blade:

The video was made public, according to the Lucas County prosecutor's office, because Dushane did not appeal her July 7 sentencing by Lucas County Common Pleas Judge Linda Jennings to three years probation and 60 days in the Corrections Center of Northwest Ohio.

She was ordered to pay $1,531.97 in restitution. Dushane pleaded no contest May 11 to one count of vandalism at McDonald's, 90 Main St.

The video shows her throwing a bottle through the drive-through window, which she then further breaks with a fist. She later admitted she was drunk.

Her quest began New Year's Day in the drive-through at the McDonald's, where she'd gone for chicken McNuggets. By her arrival, though, breakfast items - not McNuggets - were being served.

You can read a fair amount more here.

There's no doubt that Grosse Point, Michigan high school choir director Ellen Bowen (yes, that's her picture) is very accomplished. In her 20+ years at the school, her students have won three national championships and many state awards. They have also performed with the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. Then what's the problem? Man, does this lady have a temper! Never mind that she was just convicted of assault for chasing a former student, in her car, and then bumping the former student's car. (She got community service and anger management counseling!) Here are some of the incidents that were either confirmed by the school, or that were in her school records:

She suggested at a rehearsal that she would "bring in a shotgun to take out" misbehavers.

She threw a stapler at students.

She was suspended at least three times for swearing at students.

She was reprimanded at least three times for swearing at students.

She suggested to a class that a sick student was pregnant.

Apparently winning is everything. How else to explain getting away with all of that? But the assault charge may tip the scales because it triggered an automatic review before representatives of the board of education. That hearing was yesterday. Bowen will find out in 30-45 days if she will lose her teaching certificate. Since she's suspended, maybe she can get a jump on that anger management class.

Here's an update from detnews.com (June 6, 2008): Embattled teacher suspended again - Grosse Pointe South High School choir director Ellen Bowen was suspended from teaching again Friday, just eight months after her reinstatement following a suspension for violent behavior.

Perhaps it was just the candor pander, but The Juice is always impressed when someone just fesses up, like this woman did when she included a bag of cocaine with her bank deposit! No "ur, uh, um" from this woman, as reported by The Hartford Courant:

A Wethersfield woman making a bank deposit about 4 p.m. Thursday included something extra in the envelope she passed to a drive-up teller at the Rockville Bank on Ellington Road, police said.

Contained in Kendl Murphy's deposit envelope was a small bag containing a white powder, police said. While a teller handled Murphy's transaction, other bank staff called police.

Responding officers used a chemical field test and the powder tested positive for cocaine, said Sgt. Scott Custer.

Aha! Now what do you have to say for yourself?

As for the suspected cocaine, "she said something to the effect that it was left over from the weekend and she didn't realize she left it in that envelope," Custer said.

The less forthcoming of you might be thinking about her confession up and wondering "was she high?" And the answer is ... nope.

Police tested Murphy and determined she was not under the influence of anything at the time of the incident.

Here's the source, including a photo of Ms. Murphy.

Does marinating a cat really enhance the flavor? Hey, don't shoot the messenger. (And please, PETA folks, no more emails. The Juice truly likes animals, especially cats.) Mr. Gary Korkuc was caught literally marinating his cat. Here's the story, as reported by www.buffalonews.com:

Buffalo police say officers heard the cat meowing when they stopped 51-year-old Gary Korkuc of Cheektowaga to ticket him for running a stop sign Sunday night.

They say they checked the trunk and found 4-year-old Navarro in a cage, his fur covered with oil, crushed red peppers and chili peppers.

Very uncool. But why?

Police say Korkuc told them he did it because Navarro was ill-tempered.

... he [also] told them he was going to cook Navarro. But they say Korkuc also complained that the neutered male cat got pregnant after he was spayed.

What what what? [Funnier for South Park fans.] A pregnant male cat? Anyway, it looks like Navarro will be fine, as he was cleaned up and is awaiting adoption. And Mr. Korkuc?

[He] was charged with cruelty and released; his phone number isn't listed.

Think he's glad he opted for an unlisted number?

Yet another traffic stop for faulty equipment (no tail lights - doh!) that leads to ... finding drugs in a body cavity? True. As reported in the Colorado Springs Police Blotter:

August 9, 2010

Summary: Officer Anthony Voltz and Tyler Walker conducted a traffic stop on a vehicle for no tail lights. The passenger Sherry Luster had four felony warrants and was taken into custody. Inside the vehicle officers also located multiple baggies and two scales consistent with narcotics. Ms. Luster was transported to CJC where it was discovered she had secreted 3.5 grams of crack cocaine in her vagina. Ms. Luster was charged with possession of a schedule II substance.

"Secreted"? Not bad for a dry police blotter.

How can you entice men to go to something, like say, church? In a word - strippers. There's some crazy stuff going on in Warsaw, Ohio... From The Columbus Dispatch:

Every weekend for the last four years, [Pastor Bill] Dunfee and members of his ministry have stood watch over [strip-club owner Tommy] George's joint, taking up residence in the right of way with signs, video cameras and bullhorns in hand. They videotape customers' license plates and post them online, and they try to save the souls of anyone who comes and goes.

Can they do that?

George ... sued the church in federal court several years ago, claiming a violation of his constitutional rights, but he lost.

Okay, Plan B ....

Now, the dancers have turned the tables, so to speak. Fed up with the tactics of Dunfee and his flock, they say they have finally accepted his constant invitation to come to church.

It's just that they've come wearing see-through shorts and toting Super Soakers.

They bring lawn chairs and - yesterday, anyway - grilled hamburgers, Monster energy drinks and corn on the cob.

How do the parties view this battle of wills?

[Dunfee] said their presence has united his church members and reinvigorated their mission to shut down the club.

"They have now seen the evil firsthand," Dunfee said. "This has just made us stronger."

George laughed at that notion.

"They're just mad," he said, "because their wives won't let them come to my club."

You can read a lot more about the dueling protests (and see photos) here.

Do you think a man's feet can smell so bad that he got kicked out of a university? Yes, and Teunis Tenbrook has been fighting getting the boot (sorry) FOR 10 YEARS! Exactly how a case like this can take 10 years is a mystery to me, but whatever Mr. Tenbrook did, it worked. As reported by UPI:

A judge ruled to allow Teunis Tenbrook, who was banned from attending classes at Erasmus University in Rotterdam after administrators said his foot odor was distracting to professors and students, to resume his education at the school after a 10-year lapse, The Sun reported Tuesday.

The judge said professors and students would "just have to hold their noses and bear it" if the smell of Tenbrook's feet bothers them in the future.

The sweet smell of victory!

Go into the right bathroom in Japan, and you'll find an envelope with a note and a 10,000 yen ($116 US) note. So far, the "mystery lavatory man" has left such a gift in 425 bathrooms throughout government offices across Japan. The reason is unknown, although the notes provide a clue:

Enclosed is a gift of ¥10,000. Please use this for your ascetic training and devote yourself to good deeds, keeping a pure heart and not holding evil thoughts in your precious human heart.

Unfortunately for the mystery man, the money is not being spent that way. Authorities believe all of the money has been turned over to them. If the money isn't claimed, it goes to the municipality where it was found. If you want to read more, click here.

For your reading pleasure, here are some choice 2007 legal-related highlights from an article in the Arkansas Times:

Worst citation: A Little Rock bicycle rider was cited in May for shouting “Turn on your lights!” as two police cruisers sped past him on Seventh Street near the state Capitol. One of the policemen stopped and wrote the cyclist a ticket for expressing “dislike” of how the police were doing their jobs. Dismissed, of course. Is there such a thing as a ticket that an officer can give himself for being a prick?

Worst nap: Police arrested a Camden motorist in May and charged him with DWI when he fell asleep at the wheel after placing a to-go order in the drive-through lane at McDonald's.

Worst class to attend if you're a raccoon: An agri/shop teacher killed a live, caged raccoon with a nail gun in November at the start of a Huntsville High School class on wildlife skinning. School authorities saw no need for a reprimand or anything, and in fact with all the attention the coon-killer teacher became something of a folk hero at Huntsville, one admirer showing support by killing and skinning a dog and hanging the carcass on the gatepost of another Huntsville teacher who was thought to have reported the original coon-killing to the Humane Society.

Worst geezery: A state appeals court in March upheld a lower court's ruling that an 85-year-old Hot Springs psychologist should pay about $1,000 a month in alimony to his estranged wife, a psychiatrist, age 52. The court said the man squandered the couple's marital assets (earned mostly by the wife), using the money to buy cars and expensive lingerie for young Chinese women and to give them large sums of cash, instead of using it to pay bills. Last straw was said to be a box with a snake inside that turned up on the wife's driveway, with a note inside saying, “Die, Bitch.” From guess who.

Worst packing: David Huckabee, son of the erstwhile governor, was arrested in April when Little Rock National Airport authorities found a loaded pistol in his luggage as he attempted to board a plane. He said he forgot it was in there.

Worst trunk surprise: Police found a missing car and returned it to its owner, a North Little Rock woman, in February, without bothering to check out the smell coming from the trunk, which the woman found to contain the body of her slain husband, who had also been reported missing.

Best news for sadists: In opposing a legislative measure in March to prevent the torture of household pets and horses, the outdoor editor of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette warned homeowners that if the bill passed they could be arrested if their pussycat hassled birds at a yard feeder. Such nonsense, fanned by the Farm Bureau, frightened legislators into voting to let the sicko torturers, abusers, and starvers of Arkansas animals proceed with their fun.

Best hole: A sheriff's deputy lunched at the International House of Pancakes at Benton in March, then went into the men's room and blew a hole in the ceiling with his service revolver, then exited to explain to customers and employees that the bang they'd heard wasn't a gunshot but rather the sound of a commode lid falling. Then he made a rather hasty departure. The Benton Courier ran a big picture of the hole.

You can read the entire Arkansas Times article (long, and with some entertaining entries) here.

Okay, the good news: Ontario resident Barry Shell won the lottery, hauling in $4,377,298. The bad news? Per The Toronto Star:

... after a smiling Shell, 45, had posed for an OLG [Ontario Lottery and Gaming] photo holding his cheque for $4,377,298, he was arrested outside the building on outstanding criminal charges and taken into police custody.

The charges?

... failing to appear, theft under $5,000 and possession of property obtained by crime.

Seems the OLG conducts a "rigorous investigation" of anyone who claims a prize. Here's the full story.

Indeed it was for Mark Pannell of Buffalo, New York. Here's how his day went, as reported by The Buffalo News:

... at about 8:45 a.m. Saturday ... deputies stopped Pannell's car on Grand Island Boulevard near Staley Road for what is being described as minor traffic violations.

Okay. A routine stop, then ...

When Deputy Shaun Hediger returned to his patrol vehicle with Pannell's driver's license, Pannell stripped down to his underwear and fled into the woods.

Shazam! Surely he was quickly apprehended? Nope.

Deputies pursued Pannell, but lost site of him in the dense underbrush. Even bringing in state troopers, a Border Patrol helicopter and K-9 dog didn't initially help. After about three hours, the search was suspended.

You gotta figure that he's gone, at least for a while. Nope. He was spotted at 11:30 p.m., fully clothed. When the police chased him, he jumped into the river. He soon ran out of gas, though, and surrendered. What had he been doing all day - since 8:45 a.m.?

Pannell told police he was in the woods throughout the day, and even took a nap in a tree house at one point. When it got dark, Pannell told police, he returned to the south Grand Island Bridge.

Perhaps this is why he was running (though the stripping down to the underwear part remains unexplained): He was driving on a suspended license, and had outstanding warrants for marijuana possession and traffic offenses. Add charges for "obstructing government administration" to that list.

... reap. A saying that will no doubt be heeded (even though The Juice coined it) by Jane Kodros, who was substitute teaching at Alton High School in St. Louis, Missouri when the brag bug bit. What did she brag about? Per the St. Louis Post-Dispatch:

... having an outstanding warrant for her arrest.

In a further display of good judgment,

Kodros also allegedly made an obscene gesture with her middle finger and used derogatory words when she taught on Monday...

Guess what happened when she returned to teach at the school a few days later? The ball and chain, in second period. What landed Kodros in the soup?

...failing to appear at a court hearing related to a derelict vehicle in Alton.

Whatever that is. I'm sure the police are also looking into how she got to school because ...

... her drivers license was suspended due to a drunken driving conviction.

Doh!

This is one dude whose car you better not screw up, or else ... Or else what? Here's what, per the Orlando Sentinel:

A convicted felon is accused of battering an Orlando mechanic because of dissatisfaction with the mechanic's work.

Yikes. And it wasn't just any old [alleged] battery.

Patrick called his mechanic, Renaud Myrtil, on Sunday to complain about transmission problems with his gold 2000 Mazda 626. Myrtil had worked on the vehicle in June, according to the arrest affidavit.

When Patrick arrived at the mechanic's shop about 5:30 p.m. Monday, Patrick told Myrtil to get in the vehicle so Patrick could demonstrate the problems with the car as it was in motion. Myrtil sat in the front passenger seat; a friend of Patrick's was in the back seat behind Myrtil.

Fair enough, right? Because that "sound" always magically disappears if you're not in the car.

While driving westbound on Washington Street toward Orange Blossom Trail, Patrick became angry while describing the vehicle's problems, Myrtil told police.

Patrick and the man in the back seat, both of whom were wearing reflective work vests, then began to beat Myrtil, who told police that he did not try to leave the car because the vehicle was in motion.

When the car arrived in the area of Old Winter Garden Road and Ferguson Drive, Patrick told the man in the back seat to pass forward a gun. Myrtil hit Patrick with his left elbow, causing Patrick to drop the gun to the floor of the car.

Wo! Mr. Patrick was now doubly pissed.

Myrtil told police that Patrick then used a 12-letter expletive to refer to him and threatened to kill him.

[Hmm. 12-letter expletive. Really? Note even "motherf***ker"? Weak.]

Myrtil then jumped out of the car and flagged an Orange County Sheriff's Office deputy, according to the arrest affidavit. The sheriff's office contacted Orlando Police after determining that the crime happened within city limits.

There's a lot more, which you can read by clicking here.

It's just a fact that some folks will complain, whether they have good standing to do so or not. This dude is clearly one of those folks. As reported in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:

A man who robbed a Wendy's at gunpoint Saturday night apparently was so upset with his haul that he twice called the restaurant to complain, Atlanta police said.

"Next time there better be more than $586," he said during one call. He made "a similar threat" in the second call, police said.

About 11:15 p.m., a man wearing a ski mask and holding a gun walked up to the drive-through window at the Wendy's at 1940 Piedmont Road, police said. He told an employee to put the cash drawer on the counter.

After grabbing the drawer and running away, the robber discarded the drawer in the bushes at the nearby InTown Suites. Police dusted the drawer for fingerprints. However, the robber was seen wearing yellow gloves at Wendy's.

Police also are checking to see if the robber shows up on hotel security cameras.

Dude would probably complain that the security camera makes him look fatter or older or shorter than he really is ...

It's fair to say that people generally know what's in their underwear, and where it came from, right? An Italian gentleman with a wad of a cash in his skivvies couldn't answer the "where it came from" part, putting him in the soup. As reported at www.couriermail.com.au:

British border control officials caught an Italian man trying to smuggle £10,000 ($17,330) out of Northern Ireland in his underwear. The man was stopped by border control officials on July 23 as he boarded a flight to Rome from Belfast International Airport.

The cash - consisted of British Pound Sterling and Euro notes - was discovered in the man's underwear, pockets and wallet.

The UK Border Agency said today the man was not able to provide a "reasonable explanation" for why he was carrying such a large amount of cash.

No explanation, no cash.

"The money was detained under the Proceeds of Crime Act and will only be returned if he can provide proof to a court that the money came from a legitimate source."

The man chose not to travel on the flight, the agency said.

Hmm. Perhaps he wouldn't be so welcomed without all that cashish. Here's the source.

Regular readers know that one of The Juice's least favorite phrases is "expletive deleted." So, straight from the indictment (with very brief intro's) are the f-bombs uttered by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (and his wife!).

On squeezing some money from his authority to appoint President-Elect Obama's replacement in the Senate...

ROD BLAGOJEVICH later stated, “I’m going to keep this Senate option for me a real possibility, you know, and therefore I can drive a hard bargain. You hear what I’m saying. And if I don’t get what I want and I’m not satisfied with it, then I’ll just take the Senate seat myself.” Later, ROD BLAGOJEVICH stated that the Senate seat “is a fucking valuable thing, you just don’t give it away for nothing.”

In regards to the Senate seat, ROD BLAGOJEVICH stated “I’ve got this thing and it’s fucking golden, and, uh, uh, I’m just not giving it up for fuckin’ nothing. I’m not gonna do it. And, and I can always use it. I can parachute me there.”

Showing his love and respect for President-Elect Obama ...

ROD BLAGOJEVICH said that the consultants ... are telling him that he has to “suck it up” for two years and do nothing and give this “motherfucker [the President-elect] his senator. Fuck him. For nothing? Fuck him.” ROD BLAGOJEVICH states that he will put “[Senate Candidate 4]” in the Senate “before I just give fucking [Senate Candidate 1] a fucking Senate seat and I don’t get anything.”

ROD BLAGOJEVICH raised the issue of whether the President-elect could help get ROD BLAGOJEVICH’s wife on “paid corporate boards right now.” Advisor A responded that he “think[s] they could” and that a “President elect . . . can do almost anything he sets his mind to.” ROD BLAGOJEVICH states that he will appoint “[Senate Candidate 1] . . . but if they feel like they can do this and not fucking give me anything . . . then I’ll fucking go [Senate Candidate 5].”

Later in the conversation, ROD BLAGOJEVICH said he knows that the President-elect wants Senate Candidate 1 for the Senate seat but “they’re not willing to give me anything except appreciation. Fuck them.”

Tidbits relating to (1) some Chicago Tribune writing Blagojevich didn't particularly like and (2) the state's assistance in the sale of the Cubs (the same man owns both) ...

In another call between ROD BLAGOJEVICH and Deputy Governor A that occurred a short time later on November 3, 2008, ROD BLAGOJEVICH and Deputy Governor A discussed an editorial from the Chicago Tribune regarding the endorsement of Michael Madigan and calling for a committee to consider impeaching ROD BLAGOJEVICH. During the call, ROD BLAGOJEVICH’s wife can be heard in the background telling ROD BLAGOJEVICH to tell Deputy Governor A “to hold up that fucking Cubs shit. . . fuck them.” [His wife too!]

ROD BLAGOJEVICH said Tribune Owner should be told “maybe we can’t do this now. Fire those fuckers.” ["this" meaning aiding with the sale of the Cubs, and those "fuckers" meaning the offending Chicago Tribune writers]

ROD BLAGOJEVICH stated that because of the impeachment articles, “we don’t know if we can take a chance and do this IFA deal now. I don’t want to give them a grounds to impeach me.” ROD BLAGOJEVICH stated that “our recommendation is fire all those fucking people, get ‘em the fuck out of there and get us some editorial support.”

Trying to encourage contributions to "Friends of Blagojevich" ...

According to Individual A, after Individual B left the meeting on October 6, 2008, ROD BLAGOJEVICH told Individual A that he was going to make an upcoming announcement concerning a $1.8 billion project involving the Tollway Authority. ROD BLAGOJEVICH told Individual A that Lobbyist 1 was going to approach Highway Contractor 1 to ask for $500,000 for Friends of Blagojevich. ROD BLAGOJEVICH told Individual A that, “I could have made a larger announcement but wanted to see how they perform by the end of the year. If they don’t perform, fuck ‘em.”

Mothertrucker! That boy has a mouth on him! To read the entire indictment,click here.