Legal Juice

So you've always wanted to be a police officer. And, you've always wanted to be a little, um, bigger. Turns out you can't satisfy both of your wants, at least if you live in Papua, Indonesia. Why not? As reported in the Jakarta Globe:

An applicant "will be asked whether or not his vital organ has been enlarged," said Papua police chief Bekto Suprapto, quoted on local website Kompas.com."If he has, he will be considered unfit to join the police or the military."

What's the big deal? (sorry!)

The ban was applied since the unnatural size causes "hindrance during training," said police spokesman Zainuri Lubis in Jakarta, quoted by news portal Detik.com.

Of course, a hindrance! And, just in case you're curious ...

Papuans use a local technique to achieve the enlargement, according to a sexologist ... wrapping the penis with leaves from the "gatal-gatal" (itchy) tree so that it swells up "like it has been stung by a bee."

Hmm. Now it's starting to sound like a hindrance ...

It's an age-old story: two girls are involved with the same dude. What to do ... Conclude that they should both dump this two-timer? No. Go to the dude and tell him he has to choose between them? No. Flip a coin? Arm wrestle? First come, first serve? No, no and no. Fight? Yes. So, from the Colorado Springs Police Blotter:

April 25, 2010 - Assault

Summary: Officer Barry Worstell was dispatched to Memorial Central reference an assault. On the above date and time the suspect, Carriel Mackey age 18 and the victim, April Graham age 20 agreed to meet and settle their differences reference a male both of them were involved with. During this meeting Mackey produced a sharp object and cut Grahams face multiple times. Graham was treated at Memorial Central for the lacerations and received multiple stitches. Two of the most notable lacerations were a four inch cut along the right side of the head nearly missing the jugular which went all the way to her skull and the second was across her nose cutting the cartilage and laying it open. Mackey has not been located.

Absolutely brutal.

At approximately 0100 hours, on 4/26/10, Officers from the Sand Creek Division arrested Ms Mackey at her residence. Ms Mackey was booked into the Criminal Justice center on charges of 1st degree Assault.

A Good Samaritan in New York intervenes in a mugging and gets stabbed. As he is lying on the sidewalk bleeding to death, more than 20 people pass by him, and do nothing. Strike that. One guy did take pictures with his cell phone. It's just wrong that the one person who did care about his fellow man, and acted on it, died.

The Juice is a believer in some old-fashioned notions, like men holding the elevator door open for women. Too bad a fellow in Boston, Mohammed Warsame, is not likeminded. Here's why, as reported by The Boston Herald:

A Roxbury man was slopped with a plate of pasta, punched, kicked, spit on and beaten with handbags by two women who told investigators they needed to “teach him a lesson” for not holding an elevator door for them, police said.

Holy crap!

When Boston police arrived at 1050 Tremont St. late Saturday night to break up the lift tiff, they said they found noodles dripping off the back of Mohammed Warsame.

Kenyana McQuay, 27, and Waltia Funches, 28, told officers Warsame “was rude to them” because he didn’t hold the elevator door open as they walked into the building, and so “they had to use their fists, their bags and their feet to teach him a lesson.”

Warsame said he threw water bottles at the two women to try and fend them off.

Certainly etiquette sticklers like these ladies would treat the police with respect, right? Wrong.

Police, who described McQuay and Funches as “extremely agitated,” “uncooperative” and “verbally abusive toward officers,” summonsed both women to Roxbury District Court on assault and battery charges.

Here's the source.

Are you sure about that? As reported at metro.uk:

Police had put out an appeal for information on a black robber after six strikes on banks and pharmacies in the space of a month.

After a tip-off police tracked down 30-year-old Conrad Zdierak - trouble was though he was white.

The Springdale Police Department in the US claim he wore a silicon mask called The Player. He would also wear sunglasses to hide his blue eyes. Lieutenant Michael Mathis admitted police were completely taken in by the mask and said he had never seen anything like it.

He told the Mail Online: "He wore what I'm calling a 'Hollywood quality' mask. These things cost $600 to $700." Zdzierak remains in custody on a £2m bond.

That's a lotta pounds ($3 million US).

So MCA Records put out a song called "Barbie Girl."(If you haven't heard the song, lucky you. Not only does it SUCK, it becomes stuck in your head.) Anyway, it doesnt' paint poor little Barbie in the best light, so Mattel sued MCA for using Barbie's name without permission. MCA then agreed to place the following language on the album: the song is "social commentary and not created or approved by the makers of the doll."

MCA's response: fuhgeddaboutit. "It's akin to a bank robber handing a note of apology to a teller during a heist. It neither diminshes the severity of the crime nor does it make it legal." MCA's response? Not pleased with Matell's use of the words "bank robber," "heist," "crime," or "theft," they countersued for defamation!

The Judge ultimately found for MCA Records, and offered this little nugget: "The parties are advised to chill." The case is Mattel v. MCA Records, 296 F.3d 894 (9th Cir. 2002).

You can't go through life without encountering folks who just plain like to hear themselves talk. I can deal with that. But what about people who just plain like to hear other people say ... "ouch" ... and don't mind making it happen? Per WSAU in Wisconsin:

A 41-year-old woman from Plover is in custody after shooting people with blow darts from her van. It's believed Paula Wolf hit five people. She told police that she liked to hear people say "ouch".

Police arrested Wolf and found the blow darts in her vehicle. Police also recovered a blow gun, a slingshot, and a bucket of rocks. Its also believed that she broke the front window of a business in Stevens Point.

Uncool.

There are many variations on the theme, including "You're in a shitload of trouble," or "You're in some deep shit." That last one is particularly appropriate in the case of 52-year-old Thomas Hovis Jr. As reported by WANE:

A wanted man in Albion literally created a big stink to avoid being captured by police. He was found hiding neck-deep in a pit of liquid manure.

Police were seeking to arrest Hovis for multiple felony drug charges out of Steuben County, including manufacturing and possession of methamphetamine. His previous offenses include multiple drug charges, aggravated battery, and even a murder conviction in Florida.

Quite a few strikes there.

"We had units that were observing the location," explained Doug Harp, Chief Deputy for the Noble County Sheriff's Department. "We decided based on the information that we had about his criminal background, the charges he was faced with, that we should use our tactical teams [and our clothes pins...]."

When officers arrived, they saw Hovis run into an outbuilding at the rear of the residence. Police attempted to coax Hovis out of the building, but he refused.

SWAT Team members eventually deployed tear gas to enter the building and locate Hovis hiding inside a manure pit.

And if you think he just gave up, nope.

Hovis was removed from the pit and continued to fight arrest. Officers had to tase him before taking him into custody.

A search of the home where Hovis was found also turned up three one pot meth labs, 18 marijuana plants and two grams of methamphetamine. Three guns were also seized, including an assault rifle.

Now that's some serious ...

Although it's dangerous to handle explosives for a living, a lot of these folks would probably prefer dealing with bombs than having to do what South Lake Tahoe, California Explosive Ordinance Team members recently did. What was that? Just remember that this is posted in the "Gross" category. As reported in the Tahoe Daily Tribune:

The incident began about 4:30 a.m. when a California Highway Patrol officer contacted Steven Ferrini, 60, in a “No Parking” zone on Highway 89 near Luther Pass, according to a CHP report.

The officer arrested the man after allegedly finding what was believed to be methamphetamine.

During a subsequent search, officers found “a suspicious wire, with an on/off switch” in the man's front left pocket leading to his anal cavity, according to the report.

Uh oh.

Officers planned to have the device removed by medical personnel at Barton Memorial Hospital, but during an interview with the man at the CHP office, “the subject began to explain his knowledge of explosives and bomb-making,” according to the report.

Red alert!

The man's statements caused officers to become suspicious. They contacted the El Dorado County Explosive Ordinance Disposal Team and evacuated the office around 5:45 a.m.

Try to imagine how that call went. "Um, bomb squad, there may be a bomb in this guy's ... Can you send some people over?"

About 9 a.m., “the EOD team rendered the device safe and determined it was not an explosive device. The vibrator was subsequently removed and placed into property,” according to the report.

The man was booked into El Dorado County Jail in South Lake Tahoe on suspicion of possession of a controlled substance.

Click here for the source.

Ecotourism is so yesterday. There's a new kind of tourism you may not have heard of. Per Whatcom County (Washington) Sheriff Bill Elfo, as reported in The Seattle Times:

[Douglas Spink] was "promoting tourism of this nature for bestiality."

Oh my.

When county deputies and federal investigators searched the property they found videotapes that included images of a man, who was visiting the property, having sex with several large-breed dogs.

The man, a 51-year-old British national, was arrested for investigation of four counts of bestiality, Elfo said. He is being held in the Whatcom County Jail in lieu of $150,000, Elfo said.

How do federal prosecutors allege this all came about?

Douglas Spink, 39, a one-time dot.com millionaire, convicted drug smuggler and horse trainer, was quietly living on rural property south of Sumas when he connected with James Tait, who was in a Tennessee jail on a bestiality charge.

Tait had earlier been convicted of trespassing in 2005 in the Enumclaw case, in which a Gig Harbor man died after having sex with a horse.

The two men's communications set in motion an investigation that resulted in Spink's arrest Wednesday at the Sumas farm for suspicion of violating his federal probation for drug smuggling. Federal prosecutors and Whatcom County sheriff's officials say Spink also allowed people to come to the farm and have sex with animals.

This is a wild one, readers. You should click here to read a lot more.

How embarrassing? Check this out, as reported by The Telegraph:

A man who was caught drink-driving in a toy car with a top speed of 4mph has been banned from driving.

Paul Hutton, 40, was pulled over by police as he drove an electric Barbie car, which moves slower than a mobility scooter, near his home in Essex. Mr Hutton, who has four children Simon, 17, Calum, 14, Laina, 12, and John, 11, admitted being a 'complete twit'.

Speaking after the hearing at Colchester magistrates court, he said: "You have to be a contortionist to get in, and then you can't get out. "I was very surprised to get done for drink-driving but I was a twit to say the least. "It is designed for three-to-five-year-olds.

"Originally it was a pink Barbie car but I put bigger wheels on it but it's not fast. "I'm not unhappy with my punishment, just a little bit surprised."

Mr Hutton, who is divorced, is a former RAF aeronautical engineer who now studies electrical engineering at Colchester Institute. He explained: "I'm in the third year of my electrical engineering course and it was a little project I was doing with my son who is doing a car mechanics course. "When it was done I couldn't resist the temptation to take it out.

"Mr Hutton, was found to be twice the drink-drive limit, he said. Appearing before magistrates last week, he admitted driving the toy car while drunk. He was given a mandatory three-year ban because he had received another drink-drive ban within the past ten years. Magistrates also gave him a 12-month conditional discharge and ordered him to pay £85 court costs.

Chairman of the bench Neil Munson said: "This is most unusual. "I have never seen the like of it in 15 years on the bench.

"The vehicle is not even capable of doing the speed of a mobility scooter and could be outrun by a pedestrian. "Taking this into account, we feel we can impose a sentence of a conditional discharge for a period of 12 months."

The car was confiscated by police until the hearing but Mr Hutton now hopes to get it back.

Here's the source, including a photo of the driver.




More jobs for locals? It may be simple, but perhaps it's just a little bit harsh. So how do you do it? You ban foreigners from doing the jobs! Done. That's what happened in Malaysia, as reported in The New Straits Times:

Owners of coffee shops and restaurants are unhappy over a ruling that bars foreign workers from serving customers from next month.

The ruling, according to the West Coast Coffee Shop and Restaurant Owners' Association, applies to all eateries. Foreigners will only be allowed to work in the kitchen.

Members of the association said they would be hard hit because it would not be easy to find locals to replace the foreigners.

The association, led by president Dr Yong Chen Yun, met state Resource Development and Information Technology Minister Datuk Dr Yee Moh Chai to appeal against the ruling.

 Yong had said there was a need to find a long-term solution to encourage more locals to work in the sector.

 Waiter Masri Asanong said the decision by the government was fair because many locals were keen to work in such establishments but could not compete with foreigners.

So what's stopping these "keen" local workers? Here's the source.

Any parent would be rightfully angry upon learning that their child was bullied. Perhaps, though, stabbing the bully is not the proper response. Say what? Per the Toronto City News:

Here's what [the police] say happened: two female students at an Oshawa school - which isn't being named - were engaged in a war of words. The elder of the two was allegedly picking on the 13-year-old, forcing the young girl to kneel in front of her.

So the younger girl told her mom what had happened, pouring out her sad story. But instead of going to the principal, cops allege the mom went straight to the bully.

Uh oh.

Witnesses told them they saw a car pull up on Olive Ave. on Wednesday at about 7:30pm, come to a sudden halt and then heard a woman shouting at the girl who was standing on the street.

As the startled bystanders watched in stunned surprise, the woman allegedly got out of the vehicle, grabbed the youngster by the hair and stabbed her in the left side of her stomach with a pocketknife.

The girl was taken to hospital, where doctors said that the knife luckily hit a bone - otherwise, it would have been much worse.

Mom was busted for assault. The bully was busted for uttering threats. Here's the source.

True. Kids can legally drink at bars in Wisconsin and Texas if a parent buys them the drinks. That may be about to change in Wisconsin, as reported by Jason Stein of the Milwaukee, Wisconsin Journal Sentinel.

Parents at a bar or restaurant could buy alcoholic drinks for children who are 18 years of age or older - but not those younger than that, as now allowed - under a bill passed 56-41 by the Assembly. The bill now heads to the Senate.

Under current law, patrons must be 21 to buy a drink but parents can buy drinks for their children of any age. Wisconsin and Texas are the only two states to do so. Under the bill, which is supported by the Tavern League of Wisconsin and the Wisconsin Medical Society, children under 18 can still go into bars if accompanied by a parent.

Here's the source.

Have you ever heard of squirrels invading a person's home? Apparently this has been a major problem for a man in Parsippany for 17 years! It has been so bad that Mr. Slaughter (yes, that's his real name) caught over 50 squirrels in recent years and released them several miles away. How bad was the squirrel problem? Per The Star-Ledger:

Slaughter said yesterday he had been trying to keep squirrels off his property for 17 years, catching them with the trap and then releasing them a few miles away in a wooded area.

During that time, he said, the animals broke into his home and were responsible for foul odors, and they destroyed the wooden edges on his roof.

So why is Mr. Slaughter in hot water?

[Mr. Slaughter] forgot to remove the trap two weekends ago as he went out of town to celebrate his birthday and the Easter weekend, resulting in a squirrel starving to death in the cage. It remained there for at least four days, he said.

Unfortunate, but criminal?

[Mr.] Slaughter, 52, has been charged with needlessly killing an animal and not providing food, water or protection to an animal, police said.

Said Mr. Slaughter:

“I just stupidly left the thing out.”

The Juice would let it go at that. (Please, PETA members, no emails! It was an accident!)

So, how do you feel about strip "throw rocks at cars on the highway from an overpass" poker? Yes, that's what two dipshits in Washington were charged with. As reported by KOMO News:

State troopers have arrested two people suspected of damaging at least 14 vehicles by throwing baseball-sized rocks onto them from a railroad trestle over Interstate 5 as a part of a stripping game.

Washington State Patrol Trooper Guy Gill said 23-year-old Joshua N. Sizemore and 18-year-old Amanda L. Madison were tossing large rocks from the trestle near Bridgeport way about midnight.

The rules of this "game?"

Investigators said the couple was playing a stripping game, the rules ... involved Madison shedding a layer of clothes for every left headlight the two managed to bust. The same rule applied to Sizemore and right headlights.

The Juice's blood is boiling. How were they caught?

Sizemore and Madison were tracked down by troopers on the ground with assistance from a State Patrol airplane which captured video of the couple throwing rocks. Investigators said Madison was in her underwear when police caught up with the couple.

Oh, and one of the cars that was hit was a police car!

"I think we very possibly could have saved a life," said Trooper Eric Hatteberg.

Double true.

Both Madison and Sizemore were booked into the Pierce County Jail for investigation of malicious mischief and assault.

Here's the source.

Go ahead and scratch your head. I did, after reading this story about where a father decided to hide some weed. From The Herald-Standard:

A Fayette County father is behind bars facing drug charges after he allegedly put several ounces of suspected marijuana in his son's blue Elmo backpack - and the child took it to school Thursday morning.

State police alleged that Ronald Washington, 33, of Uniontown called Menallen School in the Uniontown Area School District around 8:15 a.m. to ask if his son, a kindergarten student, had arrived.

Washington, of 6 Wilson Ave., told school officials that he needed to get something from his son's backpack [Noooooooooo!], prompting staff to search it, according to an affidavit of probable cause filed by Trooper Timothy G. Selden.

Inside, they found two plastic bags of suspected marijuana that were next to the boy's homework, police indicated. The suspected drug weighed about 105 grams, or 3.7 ounces, police said. Selden, who arrived at the school around 8:50 a.m., indicated in the filing that there was a strong odor of marijuana coming from the book bag.

It's a trap!

While police were at the school, Washington showed up. When Selden told Washington what he found, the father reportedly told police, "It was something dumb," police said.

Should have listened to The Juice...

Washington faces charges of possession and possession with intent to deliver marijuana, as well as disorderly conduct.

Magisterial District Judge Joseph M. George set Washington's bond at $100,000 straight cash. During Washington's arraignment, George told him that the bond was set at a high amount because the drugs were taken into a school, and students were put in potential danger.

Really? $100,000 cash bond?

George scheduled a preliminary hearing for a later date.

All parents get mad at their kids. But this? From the Broadview Heights Police Blotter, as reported by the Sun Star Courier at cleveland.com:

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, EAST ROYALTON ROAD: At 6:19 p.m. Thursday, a patrolman went to Marymount South Medical Center for a report of domestic violence.

A 17-year-old girl told the officer she and her mother have not been getting along lately. [A major understatement, as you will soon see.] She said she had just had surgery and is staying at home to recover. She said her mother came into her room and they started arguing.

Allegedly, her mother took her cell phone and the two began to wrestle. The mother reportedly spit in her face, pushed her to the ground and started hitting her, causing her head to bleed.

A 21-year-old sister came into the room and allegedly used her body to separate her sister and mother. Her 17-year-old sister claimed their mother spat in her sister’s face and threw a cat at her before leaving the room.

The 17-year-old eventually locked her mother out of the house and called the police. Her friend’s parents came and picked her up and transported her to the medical center.

The mother is charged with domestic violence. The 17-year-old daughter requested a motion for a temporary protection order.

Threw a cat at her!!! Shazam!

There is no substitute for proofreading. And to all you kids out there (don't hate The Juice for saying this) "spell check" is not proofreading. Heresy! But as for the importance of proofreading, check out this story from the Jakarta Globe:

A single clerical error can change the course of one’s life. Just ask Kamjai Khong Thavorn, 53, a Thai national who spent nearly three extra years in the maximum-security Pasir Putih Penitentiary in Nusakambangan, West Java, because of a typing error.

Kamjai was due for release in 2007 after a 20-year sentence he received in 1987 for heroin possession, but up until Wednesday, he was still behind bars. 

Having spent an extra three years in jail for no fault of his own, Kamjai was promptly released on Thursday after a chance meeting with Justice Minister Patrialis Akbar, who happened to be visiting the prison for an inspection. 



“Kamjai was released this morning and taken by immigration officials from Cilacap to the Thai Embassy in Jakarta,” Pasir Putih’s warden, Sutrisman, told the Jakarta Globe. 

Kamjai was arrested in Samarinda, East Kalimantan, on Aug. 20, 1987, for possession of 17.76 kilograms of heroin and sentenced to life in prison. His sentence was reduced to 20 years by a presidential decree. However, the decree mistakenly stated his first year in prison as 1997, instead of 1987.

Sutrisman said no relatives came to pick the inmate up from prison, so the nearest immigration office, in Cilacap, transported him to his embassy. 

“We realized the mistake that was made. So he was released unconditionally and immigration officials accompanied him to Jakarta without waiting for further response from the Thai Embassy,” Sutrisman said. Kamjai was “happy and enthusiastic” as he left the prison, the warden said. 

When Patrialis visited his maximum-security cell on Wednesday, Kamjai used the occasion to complain that he should have been released in 2007. 

Kompas newspaper reported that the minister assured the inmate he would be released the next day, causing Kamjai to burst into tears.

So he would still be in jail if not for this chance encounter. Damn! Here's the source.

Here are some interesting excuses offered by speeding drivers, as recalled by a Tennessee judge and some police officers, per The Murfreesboro Post:

... When he asked why she sped, the driver replied, “My colon has fallen in my vaginal canal.” Spence wrote her a ticket anyway. He figured she could bring medical proof to court if she wanted to contest the ticket. She paid it without a hearing.

Smyrna Police Traffic Officer Casey Hughey stopped a speeding driver and asked about the reason for traveling so fast. “My colonoscopy bag is leaking,” the driver replied. “Prove it,” Huey said. When the driver proved his case, Huey simply told the driver, “Have a nice night.”

Murfreesboro Police spokesman Kyle Evans, a former traffic officer, said he stopped a man and inquired about the reason for speeding. “The reason I was going so fast is because I couldn’t see the speedometer,” the driver said. Evans peered inside the car and the speedometer appeared fine. The driver explained. “Sir, I had my head so far up my butt there’s no way I could possibly see how fast I was going,” the driver said. “After a few short laughs and a warning citation, he was on his way,” Evans remembered. “It was the most original excuse I’ve heard in my 10 years as a traffic officer.”

Tennessee Highway Patrol Trooper Kay Peay clocked a man driving more than 100 mph on U.S. Highway 231 South (Shelbyville Highway) one cold morning. “Why are you going that fast?” Peay asked. He replied he was trying to get his window to defog because he couldn’t see. “Let me get this straight,” Peay said. “You’re going 100 mph because you couldn’t see?” “Right,” the driver answered. He got a ticket.

THP Sgt. Rick Smith said he’s had several drivers ride right behind him when he’s driving with his lights and sirens on while responding to an emergency call. In one case, a “silver-spoon-fed 18-year-old driving a Mercedes” chased Smith responding to an crash call. Finally, Smith got behind the driver and pulled him over. The driver complained at the scene and later to Judge Loughry that Smith entrapped him. “He told the judge I said he was a smart a--,” Smith said. “The judge told him he tended to agree with me.”

Say what? Yuk. Nice one. Dork. Mama's boy. Click here to read more.

As a bicycle commuter who has been on the receiving end of many unkind words, The Juice can relate to this incident. From the Colorado Springs Police Department Crime Blotter:

Incident Date: April 5, 2010 Time: 4:34:00 PM

Summary: Stetson Hills Officers were dispatched to a weapons brandishing stemming from a road rage situation occurring at the intersection of Old Farm Drive @ Old Farm Circle West. Officers spoke with an adult male victim who reported that he was riding his bike on Austin Bluffs Park Way when he was confronted by a motorist in a red Jeep Cherokee. The victim alleged that the suspect in the Cherokee yelled at him for being in the street on his bike. A short time later, the two came to a stop at an intersection and they engaged in a mutual discussion about the situation. The victim said at some point, the driver of the vehicle displayed what appeared to be a small caliber hand gun. The victim then used his cellular telephone to take a picture of the vehicles license plate. A robbery charge was attached because the victim said the suspect tried to take the phone away from him, so he drove away from the area and called the police. Officers used the license plate information to obtain the suspects address. They responded to 5220 Farm Ridge Place and spoke with 46 year old Curtis Scrivner. Scrivner was contacted in the back yard of his residence. Scrivner was not compliant with the officer’s requests and a brief stand-off occurred. A short time later Mr. Scrivner ran into his house. A short time later, officers made contact with the suspect by phone and successfully negotiated his surrender. Mr. Scrivner was arrested and booked into the criminal justice center for felony menacing and aggravated robbery.

If you have kids and they never argue with each other or you, call the doctor because something is definitely wrong. But this pre-teen took it to another level. As reported by nwfdailynews.com ...

A father tried to give his 11-year-old daughter a time-out, but she ended up getting charged with a misdemeanor [domestic battery].

Around 9:30 p.m. March 24, the girl and her 7-year-old brother got into a fight over who got to sit in a certain chair, according to an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office arrest report. The father ended up escorting the girl to her room.

The man stood in the hallway watching her, making sure she wouldn’t try to run away out her bedroom window, the report said. The girl grabbed a toy gun and threw it, striking her father in the head and causing him to bleed from a laceration on his scalp.

She's due in court on May 5. The Juice is guessing that future time-outs may be more effective. Here's the source.

No, not the kitties! From High Bridge, New Jersey, per the Hunterdon County Democrat (via nj.com:

Three cats were reportedly locked in a freezer and oven during a theft at a Main Street apartment here. The cats were apparently not injured, but electronics and other items were reported stolen, police said.

The burglary and theft was discovered on Friday, March 26 around 5:30 p.m. Someone heard the cats meowing from the freezer and oven and released them, police said.

Now that could have been a LOT worse. Here's the source.

A woman in Broadview Heights, Ohio was kind enough to lend a helping hand to the police. Unfortunately for her, the help consisted of literally leaving a trail for the police from the scene of the crime directly to her house. From the police blotter, as reported by The Sun Star Courier:

RECKLESS OPERATION, RICHARD ROAD: At 4:46 p.m. on Saturday, a resident called police because a dark blue minivan hit a brick mailbox. Plastic remnants from the van’s headlight were scattered along the scene.

Thanks to an antifreeze leak, an officer was able to follow a trail to a home on Quail Oval in North Royalton.

A 39-year-old female admitted to striking the mailbox. She struck it hard enough to deploy the airbag.

The woman was charged with operating a vehicle intoxicated, reasonable control and failure to stop after an accident.

Doh. Good thing she only hit a mailbox.

Some people, like Principal Ethna Haines, get carried away with their power. Fortunately, the legislative branch is there to keep them in check. The Havant Borough Council has totally BUSTED this crazed megalomaniac for ... painting her school to yellow! Before taking this bold stance against colorfulness, people used to ask of the Council, "Haven't they got anything better to do?" Now we know that they do. This!

Of her outrageous decision to paint a school for 2-9 year-olds yellow, Ms. Haines said: "Other parts of our building are already painted yellow and we use the colour to make the school a bright, positive experience for small children." Said the contractor who defiled the school: "I think the colour really brightens the whole place up and the children love it."

Thank goodness for the voice of reason, the Council. Per Council officer Sarah Hain: "The bright yellow colour for the walls seriously detracts from the character and appearance of the conservation area and adversely affects the outlook of neighbouring occupiers." Mercy! By a vote of 7-5, the Council agreed. Ms. Haines has 4 months to change the color to a dark-stained timber. "Pish," she said. [not really, but she should have.] She did say that she's going to appeal the decision, and has no plans to paint the school a darker color. Here's hoping she wins. To see the school, click here.

Not only did Adam Michael Kelly "violate" a parking meter, he also cussed out a police officer! Brilliant! As reported by The Cairns Post:

Police were called to a disturbance at the corner of Shields and Abbott streets on August 31 about 8.40pm and found Kelly dry-humping a parking meter and yelling out: "Yeah baby, you know you want it."

Police prosecutor Sen-Constable Michelle Long said Kelly was making large pelvic thrust actions and officers saw people walking by reacting with disgust at the performance.

This definitely sets a new standard for beer goggles ... Although some might find the parking meter behavior humorous, the conduct that followed was extremely offensive:

Then, while talking to police, a woman of Asian appearance walked by and in a loud voice Kelly looked at her and said "fucking gook, fuck off home", Sen-Constable Long said. [expletives reinserted]

At that point, police arrested the young labourer and took him to the watch-house.

The defense?

Kelly’s lawyer Richard O’Shane said his client had been extremely drunk after an extended binge-drinking session with teammates to celebrate the end of the CDRL football season.

"He can’t remember much of the incident," Mr O’Shane said.

You know the crime. The time?

...Kelly spent the night in the watch-house ... and was fined $150 in court yesterday for causing a public nuisance.

Here's the source.

So, it's 4:30 a.m. in Lincoln, Nebraska, and this guy needed some cigarettes. He was probably drunk (from drinking Bud Light.) Why would I guess that he was drinking Bud Light? Well sir, as reported by the Lincoln Journal Star:

A man who robbed a north Lincoln Kwik Shop on Monday morning brought a disguise — he was wearing a Bud Light box on his head.

The man had a green rag wrapped around his hand, implying he had a weapon, when he entered the store at 4400 Cornhusker Highway around 4:30 a.m. He made off with nine packs of Newport cigarettes, valued at nearly $50, police Capt. Bob Kawamoto said.

A truly wacky - and at least for now unsolved - crime. Here's the source, which has a photo of the gent entering the premises.

I would say "only in America," but this happened in Scotland, pursuant to European human rights laws. Seems that in some Scottish prisons, for a number of years, the prisoners had to "slop out" (clean out) their own toilets. And? Per the Daily Record:

The slopping-out bonanza began in 2004 when knife-wielding mugger Robert Napier used European human rights law to win a court case against the prison service.

So now Scottish prisoners, and ex-prisoners, are cashing in. As for the title of the post ...

A drug dealer used his s2000 compensation payout for "slopping out" in jail to buy heroin to sell to his pals.

The taxpayers' money allowed scheming junkie Joseph Torano to get a discount on the drugs by buying in bulk.

Here's how the bust of Mr. Torano went down:

Police raided the house after a tip-off. Hannah Kennedy, prosecuting, said Torano appeared from a bedroom in his underwear and a wrap of heroin fell out of his boxer shorts.

Detectives saw something in his mouth, which turned out to be another package of drugs, and a full body search uncovered a third stash.

And check out the language this Member of Parliament used to describe the situation, which has already cost the Scottish taxpayers millions:

"The SNP Scottish government will end slopping out and clean up the mess these administrations have created."

Get it? "... clean up the mess ..." Brilliant! To read more (quite a bit) click here.

Sure, maybe that sounds just a little insane. But consider this - he was driving! As reported in the Reading Eagle,

Messerly was driving his employer’s minivan on the bypass in West Reading about 3 p.m. April 4 when he climbed out of the driver-side window, stood on the roof and was catapulted into the woods when the van crashed into a guide rail, borough police said.

And that was just the beginning. Mr. Messerly (age 38, of Reading, Pennsylvania) was then seen running - totally naked - along the road. Someone called the cops, and here's what happened:

When they arrived, the officers were confronted by a nude Messerly, who came toward them and ignored orders to stop. Two of the officers used Taser stun guns on Messerly to try to stop him.

Messerly fell to the ground, but got up as the officers approached him. A third officer hit Messerly in the back with a Taser, which briefly stunned him.

Messerly still refused to heed the officers’ orders and started toward them again.

One of the officers sprayed Messerly in the face with pepper spray, another hit him in the back with a baton and another reactivated one of the Tasers.

Messerly still refused to cooperate.

After a second shot of pepper spray to his face, another hit to his back with a baton and a fifth jolt from a Taser, Messerly was taken to the ground and handcuffed.

Unbelievable! The explanation?

... Messerly ... told police he had used crack cocaine the night before the April 4 accident and had not slept since then, according to [Court] documents.

The charges?

... driving under the influence, risking a catastrophe, indecent exposure, resisting arrest, public drunkenness and related offenses.

Here's the source, including a photo.

No doubt regular readers know that The Juice is not fond of folks who try to weasel out of jury duty. But this is one of the more idiotic methods I've seen employed (but did it work?). As reported by the Bozeman Daily Chronicle:

Erik Slye, a Belgrade auto painter in his mid-30s, was summoned to appear for jury duty on Jan. 26 by District Judge John Brown’s court. Slye, who had previously told the court that he could not take time off from work to serve on a jury, responded with a written tirade of insults and profanities that landed him in front of the judge last week. His wife now says she wrote the affidavit, even though her husband signed it.

So what did it say? [From The Smoking Gun]

Apparently you morons didn't understand me the first time. I CANNOT take time off from work. I'm not putting my familys well being at stake to participate in this crap. I don't believe in our "justice" system and I don't want to have a goddam thing to do with it. Jury duty is a complete waste of time. I would rather count the wrinkles on my dogs balls than sit on a jury . Get it through your thick skulls. Leave me the F__k alone.

You sent this to the court? What the hell were you thinking? And what did the Court have to say?

... the note landed Erik Slye in front of Judge Brown. On April 21, Brown had Slye read the entire note aloud in court.

Um, er, oh. Did I say that?

“Mr. Slye, do you think I’m a moron?” Brown asked after he was finished.

Erik Slye said no, and apologized to Brown and the clerks of the court.

The result?

[Judge] Brown excused Erik Slye with a warning.

Slye's wife apparently learned nothing from the ordeal.

Asked if she had any advice for others trying to get out of jury duty, she offered only this: “Freedom of speech doesn’t apply to jury affidavits.”

You can read a few more jury weasel posts here and here.