Legal Juice

Talk about really bad timing (or being really stoned - or both), as reported by The Maryland Coast Dispatch [Ocean City]:

On Monday evening, an OCPD officer was in the Liquor Mart on 18th Street investigating a theft when he observed a female standing at the counter paying for her purchase.

When the female customer, identified as Allison Naughton, 22, of Ocean City, pulled out her wallet to take out her driver’s license, a small bag of marijuana fell out of the wallet and onto the floor. Naughton was arrested and charged with possession and has been released.

Doh! I'm thinking Ms. Naughton won't be keeping her weed in her wallet anymore.

In the past three years, trains on which Lee Shuang-chuan and his wife Chen Shi Shen-hong rode derailed three times! After the most recent derailment, on March 17, 2006, authorities thought the death of Lee’s wife was a tragic accident. They had been traveling on a train bound for Vietnam to visit Chen’s relatives. Suddenly, the train violently derailed, and Lee became a widower soon after the crash.

It wasn’t long, though before authorities began to uncover the following bizarre series of circumstances surrounding Chen’s death:

The 2 prior derailments!

Lee was a railway worker, and had worked as a railway inspector 2 years ago.

An autopsy of Chen’s body revealed the presence of Eutimine (a strong sedative mainly administered to patients with mental illnesses) and traces of a poisonous substance that was either rat poison or snake venom.

Lee had lost more than NT $33 million (roughly US $1,030,000) in the stock market between 2001 and 2004 (a tidy sum for a railway worker, no?)

Several days before the derailment, Lee took out a NT $20 million (US $625,000) insurance policy on his wife covering “accidental death.”

Lee’s previous wife died under “mysterious circumstances” four years ago. And what did Lee claim was the cause of his previous wife’s death? A snake bite. Do you think he collected on her insurance policy? He did.

Oh, and witnesses saw Lee giving Chen injections after dragging her to a bathroom near the scene of the derailment!

So What Happened to Lee?

Continue reading "Just Bad Luck? Or ..." »

Yes, I know that gas prices are even higher in Europe than here. Even so ... [As reported by the AP]:

A German man doused his BMW with gasoline and torched it on Friday in protest at skyrocketing fuel costs, police said. The unemployed 30-year-old man drove the black 1995 BMW 3-series sedan onto the lawn outside Frankfurt's convention center grounds at about 7:30 a.m., police spokesman Karlheinz Wagner said.

He then jumped out, emptied a canister of gas over the vehicle, and set fire to it, Wagner said. By the time the fire department got to the scene, the car was entirely burned out.

The Bavarian man, whose name was being withheld because he has not been charged with a crime, told police that gas prices were so high he could no longer afford to drive the vehicle.

As in many countries, gasoline prices have risen steadily in Germany; a liter of regular gasoline now costs about euro1.55, or $9.40 per gallon.

Police were investigating whether the man could be charged with violating German environmental laws with the stunt, Wagner said. Penalties range from fines to five years in prison.

Brilliant!

15-year-old Eric Crespo was charged with attempted murder and illegal possession of a gun. On the night of his arrest, he was interrogated by Detective Perino for over an hour. In court, though, Perino didn't remember it quite that way. As reported in The Village Voice:

Under cross-examination by Crespo’s attorney, Mark DeMarco, Perino denied 11 more times that he had any conversations with Crespo after he was in custody.

“I never interrogated your client, sir,” Perino told DeMarco.

Turns out that was 12 outright lies!

After questioning Perino, DeMarco turned over the MP3 recording to the prosecutor prompting the district attorney’s office to drop the most serious charge of attempted murder. Crespo eventually pleaded guilty to illegal possession of a gun.

Doh! And it was quite an interrogation, too. Check out this morsel from Detective Perino:

DET PERINO: NOW EVEN IF I WENT TO A COURT OF LAW…THEY’RE
GONNA FUCKING ACCUSE ME OF TRICKING YOU, THEY’RE GONNA ACCUSE ME OF FUCKING PUTTING WORDS IN YOUR MOUTH. THEY ALWAYS DO THAT TO THE DETECTIVES. I’M THE BIGGEST FUCKING LIAR IN THE WORLD WHEN THEY BRING ME INTO THE COURT.

At least he was telling the truth then. You can read a huge chunk of the recorded interrogation in The Village Voice piece.

North Pole, Alaska (really) resident Wyatt Lewis got an unusual DUI. As reported by the Anchorage Daily News, here's how fellow North Pole resident Anne Sterle described it:

"I was woken at about 1 in the morning by hearing a lawn mower outside my window," Sterle said. "And it scared the heck out of me, because my husband was out of town.

"The first thing that went through my mind was someone was stealing our mower. And then I thought, wait a minute, we don't have a riding mower."

Newman! This was bad news for Mr. Lewis, as Ms. Sterle then called 911. What happened when the police arrived?

There was a chase, reaching speeds up to 5 mph.

The trooper followed Lewis for about 200 yards, according to a report in the Fairbanks Daily News-Miner. The trooper turned on his lights and siren. Lewis kept on mowing.

The trooper "was too embarrassed to call it a pursuit over the airwaves," spokeswoman Megan Peters said.

Mr. Lewis, coming in at over twice the legal limit, was charge with driving under the influence and failing to stop at the direction of a peace officer. Here's the source.

Reverend Robert Whipkey was arrested in Frederick, Colorado for jogging naked (around the high school track) at 4:30 a.m. He was busted while walking home, still naked. So what was his defense to the indecent exposure charge? Per the Daily Camera:

Whipkey’s attorney argued his client’s actions didn’t satisfy an element of the indecent-exposure law that requires proof he “knowingly” exposed himself. Defense attorney Harvey Steinberg said Whipkey thought he was alone.

“Did he say, ‘Hey, look at me. I’m naked. Take a look at my genitals?’” Steinberg said. “When he realized for the first time that someone was out at 4:30 a.m., he immediately covered up.”

Do you think the defense worked? As Maxwell Smart would say, "missed it by that much." The jury found Reverend Whipkey guilty. He'll be sentenced on August 11. You can read more (a fair amount) here.

Hey, don't shoot the messenger. A man named God Lucky Howard was busted in Tampa, Florida for selling cocaine. And the charges include selling drugs near a church... Click here for the source.

Really. As reported by the AP from Hamilton, Ohio:

Prosecutors in southwest Ohio say there should be no crying during closing arguments in death penalty cases. Motions were filed this week, saying defense attorneys have strategically been known to cry on cue and beg for their client's lives. The motions came after a man received life in prison last month for killing a woman. His attorney, Greg Howard, cried while urging jurors to spare his client from the death penalty. Howard calls the motions "petty." He says prosecutors are "tired of losing" so they're trying to limit what he says in his closing arguments. But prosecutors say a trained professional should be able to control emotions in court.

The motion brings to mind an old legal saying:

If you have the facts, argue the facts. If you have the law, argue the law. If you have neither, just argue.

Not if you arrive at the meeting with your parole officer IN A STOLEN CAR. And parolee Marcus George had just been released from prison last week for ... burglary and theft! Per the AP, turns out he took a car for a very long test drive. He never returned it! Mr. George was busted at the parole office.

Mr. Sandy Wong, of Edmonton - he really loves his car. As reported in the Edmonton Sun, here are a few details of his relationship with a BMW:

Wong was busted for masturbating while sitting on the roof of a 2007 BMW 328i sedan on display at the Home and Garden Show at the Northlands AgriCom.

According to psychiatrist Dr. Curtis Woods, Wong says he is "sexually attracted" to the BMW's rooftop because "it's curved like a woman's body, the sex appeal, it felt good." Court heard Wong also gets aroused by certain classic cars, motorcycles and women with big feet.

Shazam! The time? After pleading guilty to indecent exposure and mischief, he was sentenced to 90 days in jail and 2 years probation.

Not to worry. Those teeth? They are in the mouth of a rat, whose head Texan Dale Cane found in a can of Allen's Italian Cut Green Beans! If you're thinking this is a one-time thing, think again. As reported in The Beaumont Enterprise:

Utah mother Marianne Watson in October 2007 made the news after reporting that she found a rat head in a can of Allen's Italian Cut Green Beans, also purchased at a Wal-Mart.

(Warning to rats: beware of the "Italian cut.") Okay, so just two times?

... in 2005, The Northwest Herald in McHenry County, Ill., reported that a woman found an amphibian leg in a can of Allen's Italian Cut Green Beans, The Tribune noted in its story last fall.

So what did Allen Canning Co. have to say?

In a telephone interview following the Utah case last fall, Allen Canning spokesman James Phillips told The Salt Lake Tribune, "This rodent was rendered commercially sterile. We cook each can individually at a temperature up to 265 degrees."

So just go ahead and eat that "commercially sterile" rat head!

How much did Allen offer to settle the claims? $25 and some goodies (a gift pack and a cookbook!) for the amphibian leg. And seeing a rat's head in your food must be twice as nasty in Texas as it is in Utah, because the offers were $200 and $100 respectively! Oh, and the grossed out folks would have to sign a non-disclosure agreement too. Does Allen Canning Co. even have a PR department? Click here to read more (a fair amount).

Mike Timmer, as you will soon discover, is a huge Detroit Red Wings fan. So it naturally figures that he brought an octopus (under his shirt and jacket) to Game 4 of the Red Wings-Avalanche series. Why, you might ask, did he bring the octopus in? Per the Detroit Free Press:

The tradition began in 1952 when a fish merchant threw an octopus on the ice in Detroit because eight victories were then needed to win the Stanley Cup playoffs.

Carrying on a tradition established more than 50 years ago, Timmer chucked the octopus onto the ice of the Pepsi Arena in Denver. Not only did he get booted from the game, he also got busted by the Denver police. For what? "Throwing stones or missiles." Really.

"It shall be unlawful for any person to throw any stone or other missile upon or at any vehicle, building, tree or other public or private property, or upon or at any person in any public way or place which is public in nature, or on enclosed or unenclosed ground."

So what happened? Denver Magistrate Catherine Cary dismissed the charges. To read more, click here.

Las Vegas Municipal Judge George Assad got a little carried away. Seems he was upset that one Joshua Madera failed to appear in court to clear up some unpaid traffic tickets. Per the Las Vegas Sun:

When Madera called the court to seek a continuance because he was starting a new job that day, a clerk told him he could not obtain a continuance over the telephone.

So ...

[Ann] Chrzanowski, Madera’s girlfriend, then called the court and was told she could appear in his place.

Strange, but okay ... until she got there, anyway.

When Chrzanowski appeared, [Judge] Assad ordered her to call Madera to tell him to come to court.

“Tell him you’re going to jail if he doesn’t get his butt down here,” the judge said.

Handcuffed, Ms. Chrzanowski called Mr. Madera. Then she was put in a cell! For 2 hours, until Mr. Madera arrived "and arranged a payment plan." What happened to Judge Assad? He is going to have to apologize formally to Ms. Chrzanowski. He got off easy (with just the apology) because the Nevada Supreme Court thought the public censure recommended by the Judicial Discipline Commission was too strong. As for the effectiveness of his tactics:

Madera had not paid any tickets when the discipline commission met in November 2006, seven years after some of them had been issued.

Here's the source.

These laws are from the Code of Terrebonne Parish, Louisiana:

Sec. 19-12. Silly String sales restrictions.

... (b) It shall be unlawful for any person to sell any silly string, or its equivalent as defined herein, within three hundred (300) feet of any parade route within the parish on any day a parade is scheduled.

Sec. 19-13. Public nudity prohibited.

(a) A person physically present in a public place, who: ...

(2) Appears in a state of nudity; commits public nudity and shall be guilty of a misdemeanor. ...

(b) "Nudity" means the showing of the .. cleft of the buttocks, vulva ...

Here's a link to the Code. (The picture refers to another Louisiana law. The menace that is Silly String ...)

I lack the imagination to make these stories up. Seems that young Ms. Marin (age 18) was picked up for trying to pinch a pair of shoes at a London store called Lizard. While the police were detaining her, she managed to secure her weapon - her right breast - and let loose with a stream of milk at the officer. For this, she was charged with assault!

So Vaune Dillmann is a retired policeman who owns the Mt. Shasta Brewing Co. in Weed, California. (The town was named after lumber baron and state senator Abner Weed.) The bottle caps of his beer read "Try Legal Weed" (surrounded by "A Friend in Weed Is a Friend Indeed.") No big deal, right? Wrong, in a big way. Per The Nashua Telegraph:

The U.S. Treasury Department's Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau says those three little words allude to marijuana use.

The bureau's bureaucrats have told Dillmann he needs to stop using the "Try Legal Weed" bottle caps. If he doesn't, he could risk fines or sanctions. His worst fear: being forced out of business.

After 5 years in business, and the sale of more than 400,000 bottles of beer with the "Try Legal Weed" caps, what caused the feds to get involved?

Regulators caught up with the caps in February, as Dillmann was seeking label approval for his Lemurian Golden Lager. They issued a rejection sheet citing several typeface technicalities and one deal breaker: the words "Try Legal Weed."

Regarding that rejection,

Dillmann has appealed. He vows not to cave, and expects a long, expensive legal battle if need be. He says he just wants to keep his caps and not lose his shirt.

Give 'em hell, Mr. Dillmann. You can read more (a fair amount) here.

While reviewing doctor disciplinary cases, I came across this incredible story. In 1976, Illinois pharmacist Gerald Barnbaum had his license revoked for Medicaid fraud. He moved to California, and legally changed his name to Gerald Barnes, a prominent doctor whose name he found in a medical directory. Then he wrote the California Medical Board and got a copy of the real Dr. Barnes' medical license, and wrote his medical school and got a copy of his medical school diploma.

For the next 20 years, he was Dr. Gerald Barnes, despite getting caught many times. (Per the San Francisco Chronicle, "he was sent to prison five times, convicted of illegally practicing medicine, mail fraud, grand theft, even involuntary manslaughter, but each time after being paroled, he resumed his sham.")

So where is Dr. Barnes now? He's in prison in Illinois, where he'll probably remain for the rest of his life. To read more about this incredible con, click here.

It's true. Starting in July, Dutch folks will not be allowed to smoke cigarettes in bars, restaurants and cafes, including in the coffee shops famous for selling soft drugs. But, and this is a big "but," smoking marijuana or hashish will still be legal! You can read more in this Spiegel Online article.

Alex Kozinski, Chief Judge of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, is one of the most important judges in the United States. (The 9th Circuit includes California, Washington, Nevada, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, Arizona, Alaska and Hawaii.) As fate would have it, Judge Kozinski is presiding over the trial of Ira Isaacs, a filmmaker based in Los Angeles, who is accused of distributing criminally obscene sexual-fetish videos depicting bestiality and defecation. You will never guess what was on the Judge's website (which he thought was private - and is now down). Per the Los Angeles Times:

The sexually explicit material on Kozinski's site earlier this week was extensive, including images of masturbation, public sex and contortionist sex. There was a slide show striptease featuring a transsexual, and a folder that contained a series of photos of women's crotches as seen through snug fitting clothing or underwear. There were also themes of defecation and urination, though they are not presented in a sexual context.

Oops. The uninitiated might think that Judge Kozinski is some lefty. They would be wrong.

Kozinski, who was named chief judge of the 9th Circuit last year, is considered a judicial conservative on most issues. He was appointed to the federal bench by then-President Ronald Reagan in 1985.

Hmm. Most issues ...

He has a national reputation for a brilliant legal mind and has developed a reputation as a champion of the First Amendment right to freedom of speech and expression.

Go on.

Several year ago, for example, after learning that appeals court administrators had placed filters on computers that denied access to pornography and other materials, Kozinski led a successful effort to have the filters removed.

Zam! Methinks a recusal is in order. Here is the Los Angeles Times article.

I'm sure you've heard that the California Supreme Court overturned the state's ban on same-sex marriages. So June 17 is the first day that same-sex couples can legally marry in California. Well, as reported by the Los Angeles Times,

... the Kern County [California] clerk will stop performing all civil marriages before June 17 ...

Just a coincidence?

The clerk, Ann Barnett, cited financial concerns and space limitations. But e-mails and other records obtained by the Bakersfield Californian suggest that the decision stems from her personal discomfort with gay and lesbian unions.

I guess it's her call on whether or not to obey the law as interpreted by the California Supreme Court. Ms. Barnett, do your job, or take your "discomfort" elsewhere - i.e., quit! Here's the Los Angeles Times article.

Perhaps Tennessee resident David Dewayne Sanders is not aware of his constitutional right not to incriminate himself. As reported in The Murfreesboro Post,

[Detective] Beene approached Sanders last week on South University Street and asked if he had any drugs on him.

Drugs? Me? Actually, here's how Mr. Sanders responded:

“Sanders said that he did and retrieved a plastic bag of crack cocaine from his buttocks,” Beene reported.

Crack in his .... It's way too easy. I can't do it. Here's the source.

... make sure you're not drunk! This advice comes to late for William Olson, age 38, of Great Falls, Montana. He drove himself to the Highway Patrol, and turned himself in. For what? Per the Great Falls Tribune:

According to charges, Olson was driving in a Toyota 4Runner with his four children, who range in age from 3 to 13, on Morony Dam Road on Sunday.

Olson turned onto a gravel road, then sped up and pulled the emergency break in an attempt to make the vehicle spin, documents state. Olson told police he was trying to impress the kids, documents state.

Oh he impressed them, just not in the way he intended.

Instead, the vehicle rolled. The children were not in safety seats, and received minor injuries in the crash ...

So after he turned himself in, the officer interviewing him smelled alcohol. Olson blew .094 (legally impaired!). And this is his 4th DUI charge! Doh! Here are the charges he's facing, in addition to the DUI:

driving a vehicle with expired registration, driving a vehicle with plates assigned to another vehicle, failure to give notice of an accident, reckless driving, two counts of failure to have a child properly restrained, four counts of negligent vehicular assault, and obstructing justice.

Shazam! Here's the source.

... party balloons! The California Senate passed a bill banning helium-filled, metallic party balloons. Why? Per the AP,

Utility company officials blame fly-away balloons for shorting out power lines and causing hundreds of blackouts in recent years.

Don't worry yet, kids. It still has to make it through the state Assembly, and of course, the Terminator. Here's the AP story (the second one down).

... every now and then, comes around. This is one of those times. Remember the New York judge who jailed 46 people because a cell phone went off in his courtroom? (If you don't, click here. It was outrageous.) Guess what happened to him (Niagra Falls City Court Judge Robert M. Restaino)? He's gone! Here's the article on his removal from the bench by the State Commission on Judicial Conduct, whose decision was just upheld by the State Court of Appeals.

Yes, it's a wrongful death case. William H. Waggoner, age 88, died a month after he was hit by an automatic door at a Wal-Mart in Marble Falls, Texas. Is it me, or is a case like this an inappropriate forum to try to be funny? Judge James Nowlin tried ... and failed. The parties could not agree on where to hold the deposition of Wal-Mart's corporate representative. (Wal-Mart wanted it in Bentonville, Arkansas. The Waggoner family wanted it in San Antonio, Texas.) So this is where, in a case about a man's death, Judge Nowlin attempted to inject some humor. This is word-for-word from his May 3, 2008 Order (filed on June 3, 2008):

The Court is sympathetic with [Wal-Mart’s] argument. Surely [Wal-Mart's] corporate representative, a resident of Arkansas, would feel great humiliation by being forced to enter the home state of the University of Texas, where the legendary Texas Longhorns have wrought havoc on the Arkansas Razorbacks with an impressive 55-21 all-time series record.

For additional levity, the Judge threw in this footnote:

It is worth noting that the Razorbacks, who disgracefully retreated from the Southwest Conference to the gentler pastures of the Southeastern Conference, could have likely learned a lesson about stamina and perseverance in the face of battle by visiting the Alamo in San Antonio.

Hah hah hah! That is so not funny. But there's more.

On the other hand, the Court is sympathetic with Plaintiff's position. Plaintiffs might enter Arkansas with a bit of trepidation as many residents of Arkansas are still seeking retribution for the "Game of the Century" in which James Street and Darrell Royal stunned the Razorbacks by winning the 1969 National Championship.

Still not funny. Here's how Judge Nowlin resolved this dispute:

Because the Court is sympathetic to both parties' positions, it has found a neutral site, intended to avoid both humiliation and trepidation of retribution.

Accordingly, it is ordered that unless the parties agree otherwise, the deposition ... shall occur ... on the steps of the Texarkana Federal Building [on the Texas/Arkansas border].

I know you must be ROTFL, but here's the final blast of humor:

It is further ordered that each party is to remain on his or her respective side of the state line.

So very unfunny. So very unjudicial. Click here to read the Order.

Remember the story about the Swedish parents who wanted to name their daughter "Metallica?" Or the Swedish transvestite who wanted to change his name to Pia? Add to that list the Swedish couple who wanted to name their daughter "Elvis." Fuhgeddaboutit, said the National Tax Board. Why? Because ...

Elvis "is a first name of a masculine type."

While the King might be pleased with that determination, no doubt Elvis's parents are not. They should follow Metallica's parents lead, who fought the law, and won. Here's the UPI story.

Two friends, Robert John (age 20) and Carl Thorpe (age 26) ran into each other in town. They had a few drinks and returned to Mr. Thorpe's apartment to watch a DVD "featuring football [soccer] hooligans," as reported by the BBC.

[The DVD] featured footage of fans biting each other.

Can you guess what happened next?

Suddenly John punched Mr Thorpe to the floor before punching him again up to 20 times and then biting off all of his left ear - complete with ear ring.

Owwwwwwwwwwww! And about that ear ...

John had put the ear inside a plastic bag and hidden it amongst ivy growing on a wall.

But by the time he admitted it to police it was too late for doctors to do anything with it.

Oh, and Mr. John also stole some of Mr. Thorpe's things, then locked him in his own apartment. The Judge was feeling Mr. Thorpe's pain.

"You literally ripped off his ear with your teeth. That is akin to using them as a weapon... Taking the ear with you was bizarre."

And very uncool. Mr. Johns received a 5-year sentence. Here's the source.

Turkish barber Sabri Bogday has been sentenced to beheading for "using God's name in vain," as reported by the Los Angeles Times. It happened "during an argument with a neighbor, who later complained to police." Why is the judge you get so important?

The [Arab News Daily] quoted a lawyer as saying: "Some judges consider it heresy and infidelity, and say that the accused cannot repent and so faces the death penalty. Others consider the statement to be disbelief, thus allow the accused to retract what he has said and repent and then set him free."

Mr. Bogday has already been in jail for 13 months! The Turkish President is pleading his case with the Saudi King.

... you will probably think about this story. Over several months, this guy noticed that some of his food kept disappearing. So he had cameras that transmitted images to his cell phone installed. As reported by the AP:

One of the cameras captured someone moving inside his home Thursday after he had left, and he called police believing it was a burglar. However, when they arrived they found the door locked and all windows closed.

The police searched the house and came up empty until they searched ... the closet. In the closet, they found a homeless woman who had been living there for a year! She even had a mattress in the closet! Freaky. Here's the story.

Judges have to put up with a lot of crap, day in and day out, and deal with it, on the record. I'm not sure how long I would last. Judge Mark Chow of King County, Washington made it from 1991 until just recently. As reported in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer:

Chow was presiding in a King County Jail courtroom Jan. 23, when a male defendant snapped at him with a vulgar sexual demand. Chow replied, "I would if you pulled it out, but you can't find it."

Snap? That's all you got? I'd be embarrassed to go before the Commission on Judicial Conduct because the retort was so lame. Here's incident number two:

While presiding in Mental Health Court that same day, Chow also asked a female defendant, "What flavor are you?" -- a question about her ethnic background. He told another, "I think I know what flavor you are, so I'm not even going to ask."

So what punishment did the Commission on Judicial Conduct deem appropriate? The weakest possible one available - an admonishment. Click here for the source of this tale of judicial woe.