Legal Juice

American Airlines Pilot James Yates showed up at the Manchester, England airport for the Manchester- to-Chicago flight. Yes he was a little late, and DRUNK! Almost 8 times the legal limit.

It seems that Mr. Yates had been out drinking with his two co-pilots the night before. He visited at least 4 pubs before returning to his hotel. He then took a sedative around midnight. He was awakened at 9:00 a.m. the next morning by his captain's banging on the door. But what about that bottle of Irish whiskey he had purchased the day before? One-third of it was gone! Mr. Yates said he had no memory of drinking it.

When he arrived at the airport, Yates could not find his security pass. He smelled strongly of alcohol and had a red face. Hmmmmm. He was charged with carrying out an activity ancillary to an aviation function while over the drink limit.

HIs trial lasted three days. Testifying for Mr. Yates were senior American Airlines executives, and Brigadier General Thomas Botchie, who was a fighter pilot with Mr. Yates. The defense theory was a good one - he never intended to fly. He went to the airport (in full uniform) to tell his captain that he was unable to fly. Did the jury believe him?

Continue reading "Drunk Pilot Claims Sleep-Drinking" »

This feels like an "only in New York" story. The Taubs hate each other. (Simon Taub built a wall dividing their townhouse in 2 to keep them apart.) Two years ago, Chana Taub filed for divorce, alleging that Simon subjected her to cruel and inhuman treatment. (Does it surprise you that Simon is described as a "millionaire sweater mogul?") She asked that a jury decide the case, thinking that they would give her a better shake than a judge. BIG MISTAKE, Chana. The 10-day trial - which included allegations that Simon attacked her with a telephone and a treadmill [?!], and testimony from all four kids against Simon - just ended.

Simon won! The judge dismissed the case. (New York does not have a "no-fault" divorce law, resulting in cases just like the Taubs, who now must remain married.)

On the very night of the jury's decision, Chana tried to serve Simon with a protective order. She claims that, when she was trying to do so, Simon punched her in the eye. Not to be outdone, the day after the divorce case was dismissed, Simon went to court to get an order of protection against Chana! Oh, and they each think that the other is going to murder them. I can tell you 2 people who will make sure that won't happen - their divorce lawyers, who are getting mighty fat from this case!

To read more about the Taubs, click here.

Zoinks. Judge Kerry Evans was before the Ontario Judicial Council in 2004. The charges included:

patting the groins and buttocks of co-workers;

French-kissing co-workers;

force-feeding Jujubes to his co-workers; and

engaging in oral sex with a court worker in his office washroom.

In his defense to the "oral sex in the washroom" charge, Judge Evans submitted photographs of his shaved genital area, taken by his brother. Why, you might wonder? Because if the incident really happened, surely she would have mentioned this. Brilliant! The old "shaved balls" defense. (Actually, for a variety of reasons, probably not the photographs (!), he prevailed as to that allegation.)

Alas, Judge Evans resigned from the bench in 2004 before he was sanctioned for misconduct. He recently applied for reinstatement to the bar, and got it! He may return to the legal profession after spending 2 years working for another lawyer, which he is now doing. To read more about this, click here.

This is just WRONG! Nobody disputes that you paid your taxes ON TIME, and you still get assessed a 10% late fee! Ms. Jansen, of the village of Sleepy Hollow (really) in Westchester County, New York, tried to pay her property tax bill on-line ($6,516.84 for 6 months!) 5 days early. Her payment was rejected because the town requires payment by check, in an envelope postmarked on or before the due date. So the Sleepy Hollow Bank issued a check for the taxes, which was sent 5 days early, and which the village acknowledges it received before the due date. Yet they still hit Ms. Jansen with a 10% late charge, plus a $2 fee! ($653.68)! Guess why?

Because her bank issues checks through Bill Pay, which uses bulk mail, which does not produce a postmark! Surely the Bill Pay log showing that the taxes were timely paid would satisfy the town, right? Wrong. While the Sleepy Hollow tax collector admitted that the law was antiquated, she said that she could not accept a bank log as proof of timely payment!

Oh, and if she doesn't pay the late charge by this Friday, March 30, she'll be hit with another penalty!

To read more on this story, click here.

Willie Cheatham (his real name!) found himself out with his girlfriend, and out of cash. So he called his father about borrowing some money, then took a cab to his house. Per the court:

When he arrived, the men began arguing about the defendant's habit of borrowing money and about his girlfriend, whom the elder Cheatham called a 'slut' and a 'whore.'

Very, very bad move by the elder Cheatham.

Several minutes later, the defendant [Willie Cheatham] took a knife from the kitchen and proceeded into his father's bedroom, where he stabbed his father sixty-eight times with two different knives. Also, at some point, the defendant hit his father with a glass vase, fracturing his skull. The defendant took $78.00 from his father before taking a taxi back to the bar where his girlfriend was waiting.

So what do you think happened to Willie?

Continue reading "Dad, Give Me The Money And Don't Call My Girlfriend A Slut... Or Else!" »

Just ask Lennart Widahr, who secretly lived (through two marriages) as a transvestite. He applied to the Swedish National Tax Board (yes, the Skatteverket) to change his name to "Pia." Oh no they didn't! That liberal, welfare state? They shot him down. The only way he can change his name to a female name, per the court, is to have a sex change operation. Damn! So they're encouraging a sex change operation over a name change? Good thing Sweden is not a world power. (Please, Swedes, don't go nuts with the e-mails.)

You know that Pia (hey, I'm not bound by the Skatteverket, not that I'm encouraging Mr. Widahr to skirt the law) appealed the decision. And he lost. You can read more about it here.

Sometimes a little effort goes a long way. Just ask one lawyer, Mr. Puricelli (who represented a man successfully in a civil rights case), who got upbraided for repeatedly failing to fix typos in his court filings. The judge described Mr. Puricelli’s written work as “careless, to the point of disrespectful,” and agreed with the defendants that it was “vague, ambiguous, unintelligible, verbose and repetitive.” What were some of the mistakes? Per the judge:

Throughout the litigation, Mr. Puricelli identified the court as “THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT FOR THE EASTER [sic] DISTRICT OF PENNSYLVANIA.” Considering the religious persuasion of the presiding officer, the “Passover” District would have been more appropriate.” [Judge Jacob Hart, presiding]

Mr. Puricelli, on the other hand, felt the court didn’t understand his side of the story. When the defendant asked the court to reduce Mr. Puricelli’s fees [that they were required by law to pay] due to his typos, Mr. Puricelli wrote this reply to the court:

Had the Defendants not tired [sic] to paper Plaintiff's counsel to death, some type [sic] would not have occurred. Furthermore, there have been omissions by the Defendants, thus they should not case [sic] stones.

Do you think the judge reduced Mr. Puricelli’s fees?

Continue reading "Sew Many Typos; So Little Thyme" »

Back by popular demand, (and subpoena by the Judge of Tigerton Dells), it’s the second installment of "The Adventures of Wickstrom.” (click here for Part One.)

We rejoin “Judge” Wickstrom at the conclusion of his second consecutive nine-month sentence for assuming to act as a public official (judge and clerk). And what, you ask, does Wickstrom do with his newfound freedom? He immediately sues a laundry list of Wisconsin state officials for putting him in prison, including two Attorneys General, the Shawano County District Attorney, several other public officials, witnesses in the criminal case, and “all spouses and kin and/or acquaintences [sic] of the [specifically named] Defendants.” When the state judges refused to grant Wickstrom motion for summary judgment, Wickstrom added the judges to the list of defendants too!

While Wickstrom’s “thirty-four-page, twenty-seven-count complaint lacked the descriptive clarity and precision typically characteristic of pleadings,” it was his filing of “numerous writs, notices, affidavits, and motions” that truly demonstrated his legal acumen. What Wickstrom didn’t understand, however, was that most real judicial orders neither have spelling errors such as “Realease” or “Premptory” in their titles nor are signed by the defendant in a case.

Continue reading "The "Judge" Of Tigerton Dells Is Out! “The Adventures of Wickstrom: Part Two”" »

Ms. Eunice Spry may be the worst foster mother ever. Over the course of 20 years, here is some of the abuse she subjected three foster children to:

She forced sticks down their throats.

She starved the kids for a month, keeping them in a locked room, with no clothes.

She made them eat their own vomit, and rat droppings.

She beat them with metal bars and sticks.

She made them drink bleach.

She used sandpaper on one child's face.

She force-fed one child so much "washing-up" liquid that he could differentiate brands by taste.

She forced one child to remain in a wheelchair for 4 years after a car crash just so she could collect more money from the government.

She held one child's hand on a hot light bulb until it turned into a "gooey mess."

And what did Ms. Spry have to say about this?

Continue reading "The Worst Foster Mother EVER!" »

A New Zealand doctor took a number of photographs of his ... genitalia, with his cell phone. You might ask, "Why?" According to the judge, the reasons "still remain largely inexplicable." (Maybe he's nuts - sorry!). Our doctor, whose name the court has not released, tried to send the photos to a female friend with the caption "before." (I don't think we'll ever know what "after" would have been.) Well, the e-mail address was incorrect, so it bounced back. When the doctor tried to delete the photos, he caused them to be archived!

Another sexually explicit e-mail the doctor sent led to the discovery of the "self-portrait." An Employment Court proceeding followed and, as they say in New Zealand, the doctor was sacked. He appealed. How do you think he fared?

Continue reading "Doctor Takes Cell Phone Pictures Of His What?" »

A California (you were thinking Idaho?) patrolman attended a transvestite party where he paid an entrance fee of between $50-$100 with the expectation of receiving sexual gratification. Damned if he wasn’t getting his money’s worth - participating in sexual acts – when the police raided the party and caught him in the act!

When the party was raided, what do you think happened to Patrolman Warren?

Continue reading "Mercy! Police Officer Goes To Transvestite Money-For-Sex Party, Worries About His Machismo" »

Wisconsin Secession: “The Adventures Of ‘Judge’ Wickstrom: Part One”

Talk about a sore loser! What should you do if you were “overwhelmingly defeated” in an election for a town’s highest public office? If you are James Wickstrom of Fairbanks, WI, that’s an easy question: secession! And although “the history of secession in this country should have suggested to Wickstrom that his efforts would be futile,” Wickstrom “seceded” from Shawano County, Wisconsin.

He immediately “formed” his own municipality. He printed a public notice in the local newspaper announcing the creation of the “Constitutional Township of Tigerton Dells” and a meeting date to hold elections for officers. Not surprisingly, Wickstrom was “elected” both clerk and municipal judge of Tigerton Dells. But Wickstrom didn’t stop there. He issued liquor and cigarette licenses, filed documents with legitimate state and local offices indicating his judgeship, and even threatened to sue—in his “official capacity”—the Shawano County Clerk “if she did not cooperate with his demand for official printed ballots.”

So what happened to Wickstrom? Was he laughed out of Tigerton Dells? Sentenced to community service?

Continue reading "Wisconsin Secession: “The Adventures Of ‘Judge’ Wickstrom: Part One”" »

Suspected of smoking in the boys room, you are escorted to the principal's office. Tactically, it's probably not smart to call the principal a "fucker, a fag, and a fucking fag." That's what Mr. L was alleged to have done. And the punishment? Suspension? Expulsion, maybe for a repeat offender? No, young Mr. L was charged with a crime - "Interference with Staff, Faculty or Students of Educational Institutions" - a class three misdemeanor!

His public defender, Eric Vanatta, after asking his client "what the fuck he was thinking" [okay, I added that part], decided to attack the constitutionality of the law, arguing that it violates his client's right to free speech under both the United States and Colorado Constitutions. He does so by tracing the origin of the word, and discussing, in a hilarious way, how pervasive the word is in our culture. No fucking way (cuff me) I can do this justice. So here it is, the entire Motion to Dismiss the Constitutionality of Fuck, "Fucker" and "Fucking Fag"
from Colorado v. C.L., a Child (Dist. Ct. of Larimer County, Co.)

Thanks to Cindy Hill for submitting this Motion to Legal Juice!

So the Idaho Senate decided to pass an "English only" law (Senate Bill 1172). Perhaps they should have looked at their own STATE SEAL that contains the Latin phrase "Esto Perpetua" (which means "let it be perpetual"). Oh, and here is the Idaho Statute that makes "Esto Perpetua" part of the "Great Seal of State."

I propose a new state motto. Instead of "Let it be perpetual," just "Let it be."

A court in Australia has ruled that three children will share in the estate of their sperm donor father. It turns out that the man they thought was their father was infertile. When he died, their mother told them the truth, including the identity of their biological father, Mr. Wijma. When he recently died, the three children claimed a share of his estate, and won, much to the dismay of Mr. Wijma's two children from his earlier marriage. Oh, and just how did the kids prove Mr. Wijma was their dad? Their solicitor (lawyer) plucked an eyebrow [for DNA testing] from Mr. Wijma while he was in the hospital! For more details, read this article.

Mr. Washington's "Motion for Reconsideration" (click hereto see the document) reads as follows:

A while back I filed a Motion for the American People to Kiss My Ass Also Skin Change Operation to White. It's all right to be white. I think it's cool and groovie. But I think I erred with my Motion for a Skin Color Change Operation because that would cost too much money and that would be a waste of taxpayers money. I move this court for a complex change like Michael Jackson; his skin is pretty and white but I decline on the nose job Jacko has; because he really messed up but he is pretty and white. I think it's alright to be white and I move this court on the same.

And the court's ruling?

Continue reading "Motion For A Skin Change Operaton To White (But Not A Nose Job Like Jacko)" »

Ms. Kirkland works at Morton's of Chicago as the catering manager, where her boss is Mr. Hickey, the restaurant manager. According to the court, there is no genuine dispute as to the following (in other words, "it's true"):

that Hickey told Kirkland that she "needed to get laid"; that Hickey told Kirkland to "blow me"; that Hickey asked Kirkland out on a date, which she rejected, the most benign of Hickey's acts; that Hickey called Kirkland a "fat pig"; that he placed his hand inside of Kirkland's blouse; that he asked Kirkland about the color of her bra and whether it matched her panties; that he pulled up Kirkland's dress; that he pulled his pants down and exposed his buttocks to Kirkland; that he put his hand all the way up Kirkland's dress; and that he waved a vibrator at Kirkland and other women.

Quite the charmer. The test for whether he created a "hostile work environment is

whether a reasonable woman would find that Hickey's conduct was sufficiently severe or pervasive to alter the conditions of employment and create an abusive work environment.

What do you think? Is Hickey a sexual harasser?

Continue reading "Sexaul Harassment Or Not? You Make The Call." »

You would think this is not something any parent needs to be told. You would be wrong. A Staten Island, New York woman put her 3-year-old son in a running dryer. Prosecutors said that the child suffered burns and bruises on his nose, neck, forehead, ears, back and buttocks. As part of the plea deal, the woman was required to attend parenting-skills classes. She failed to attend them! So the judge sentenced her to 90 days in jail. You can read the entire story here.

In almost every jurisdiction, male lawyers must wear a jacket and tie when they appear in court. The idea is to appear dignified and professional – we are, after all, officers of the court. Most attorneys would probably agree that the courtroom is not the place to make a fashion statement.

Tom Cherryhomes, a New Mexico family lawyer, felt otherwise. Per the court,

On September 13, 1991, Cherryhomes appeared in Judge Shuler's courtroom to represent a client in a child abuse/neglect proceeding. Cherryhomes was wearing a short-sleeved, conventional dress shirt with the neck unbuttoned. He had a light blue piece of cloth or bandanna tied around his neck, above his collar, and he was not wearing a jacket.

Judge Schuler reminded Mr. Cherryhomes that ties were required attire in his courtroom. Per the court:

[Cherryhomes] said he was wearing a tie, even if Judge Shuler did not like his choice, and referred to a book on nineteenth century western wear and a dictionary definition of “tie,” which he had brought with him. Judge Shuler disagreed with Cherryhomes's interpretation of the meaning of the local rules requirement of a tie, and found Cherryhomes in contempt, fining him $50.

Cherryhomes requested a hearing, and an